Titanic Heart

I often say that I want to find love, but I really mean that I want to find it again. I'm finding as I grow up more and more that love is not so easy to come by. The things I've experienced in my past are only memories, but that of a love that was forced to fizzle out; though, it did have a longer shelflife than a glass of coca cola. Over the last two years I have managed to stay in touch with my Aussie ex, Chris. He always said that when he travels on holiday or moves to NYC that he'd fight for me. That now hardly seems true because he is moving back with his new boyfriend. It's a weird situation that I'll have to overcome in time after seeing him again. He's the guy that made my understand. When I think about him my heart actually sinks and I get butterflies. Whenever I date someone, I compare them to him, even if I don't realize it. After a while I start losing interest because they're not him. No one has made me feel the way he made me feel. No one has kissed me and made me feel fireworks and like the ground disappeared and make me float in their arms. The romance was undeniably the real deal and unexpected. I'm now dating a fantastic guy, and it was great at first, but I'm finding that I'm a bit nervous with my ex moving here. It made my heart beat faster than a coke addicted slob's. I really like this guy. He treats me well and wants nothing but the best for me. He holds me tight, kisses me right. Why am I being so stubborn and not giving in to him? Is it really that hard for me to let go of my ex, the way that I thought I had? I would compare my heart to the Titanic: you can get bits and pieces of it, bring it to the surface, but when you don't have the ability to make it float, my ship of a heart, back to the top then I'm just a heart buried too far to feel love again. I don't know if any of that bullshit just made sense. I just know how I feel and I know I should open up to the guy I'm dating. I just find it hard to give anyone a chance. And I think I ruin relationships before they begin because I don't want to lose it again. I must say that I should live by this quote and be hopeful: "One's first love is perfect until one meets one's second love." I should also stop letting this city jade me further. That's all.