It Pays Off *Remember, I'm honest*

I started performing at the J.A. Nugget on Saturday. We did a matinee and night performance. I am so happy that my friend Brian said he would come. It really is what made half of my weekend so BRILLIANT. The other half is all about Reno Dance Company.

Saturday Morning, I awoke after staying out until 4AM gambling and having fun. I went to the Showroom at the J.A. Nugget after spending time waking up and getting ready. I don't know why I decided to tire myself out, but I did. I was on time and ready to dance either way. We did our warm-up and I preset my costumes backstage for my quick change from Party Scene to Battle Scene. I ran to Starbucks with a few of the company members before the house opened and we chatted and such before getting dressed. Our Matinee turned out to be a pretty great show, but the audience was dead. My friend came to see the early show to show some support, so I quickly greeted him before heading to get dressed for our dinner break.

Candy, Sloan, Pedro and I hopped in Candy's car and we went back to South Reno to eat quick. I decided that I need a quick rinse in the shower, too. C'mon, Mack Daddy was coming to the performance that night... I had to be fresh. Brian is a good friend of mine that we used to have this amazing sexual chemistry and even just a strong connection. Unfortunately, he was late so we couldn't get coffee before the show. I just remember getting nervous, though. I wanted to say, "hi" before him seeing me dance. I didn't get the chance.

All of Act I I was anxious, I didn't know where he was sitting or anything. During Intermission is when I was texting him. I requested a picture from his seat facing the stage. He was right in the middle. I couldn't help not looking in that direction for the rest of the show. After an amazing show with an amazing, thunderous audience, I was ready to see him. I pretty much ran out into the audience. He had flowers and a hug and a big kiss on the lips. I love Mack Daddy. He's a sweet guy, but not relationship material.

I went and got dressed and my friend Donald and I went to meet Mack Daddy and his friend Kyle at the bar outside the Showroom. Mack Daddy ended up buying a drink for me and shots for all of my friends and me. Within twenty minutes, he met about half of the cast. It was sweet. Donald, being straight and cool, decided to come to a gay bar with us. Just on our way out, I was saying, "goodbye" to someone in the company that found it important to tell me that I was on thin ice... "Worry about yourself." I realized this one dancer is super miserable, or just not a nice person. She had no right to say ANYTHING of that nature to me. She fell on stage. I was holding my own and had plenty of compliments from random audience members. It was gratifying.

The four of us arrived at Five Star ready to drink more. I needed to let loose a little after staying in for about a month. I even pole danced in my underwear. Kyle, Mack Daddy's friend was a little on the insecure, jealous side. He said many things to me that flattered me, though. He told me that he wished he could be me. He thought that my life seemed so easy. It's not, but it was nice hearing that he admired my good energy, etc...

I promised Mack Daddy there would be no drama that night, and there wasn't. I had a blast! Donald had a blast, too! It was nice to see a familiar face, meet someone new, and bond with my cast member. I do have to say that it was nice getting the attention from Mack Daddy and his friend. It definitely boosted my confidence a lot. At least I know I am going down the right path to make it. If my friends see the determination, then I'm not alone!

That's All!

Yerington... Part I

Last weekend was our first round of performances for the Nutcracker. Reno Dance Company has been pretty good to me and for me. It has taken me time to get to know some of the people, but they're really cool. I still don't know some as well as I would like. Classes and rehearsals have been a progressive period in my life even as the short 8 week trip comes to a halt.

Have you ever seen the movies in the middle of nowhere? It looks like Area 51 or The Hills Have Eyes. That's what the trip looks like heading back and forth from Reno to Yerington. It's a desolate space with barely any life, or so it seems. The views are beautiful and air is calm. It's so calm that it's creepy. There are wild horses running along the open spaces in fields. It reassured me that no creepy cannibal people would be crawling out from behind rocks.

My new friend Danielle drove Dean (token black guy), Donald (token socially-awkward,awesome, straight guy) and I a 90 minute trip. Danielle is calm, quiet, and shy. I have learned that she can open up after talking to her for a while, though. I can tell she'd be crazy after a few (drinks). I loved how our conversation started with the trip out there, so open. Then we moved onto love, sex, and heartache. Then somehow, Donald and I move onto the topic of zombies.

Come to find out that DOnald and I have a slight passion for zombies. We discussed the topic for about 45 minutes; that's half of the trip. It was intense, getting into discussion of nuclear power plants,etc... Donald is the cool straight friend that is just so down-to-earth, just a really stand-up guy. Danielle gave us a few glances here and there for a while until she finally spoke up, "are you guys still talking about zombies?"

We pulled into Yerington. Were we in a ghost town? Yerington has about one traffic light, a grocery store, liquor store, McD's, motel, school, and a studio... I think the essentials and that's it. we went into the middle school there and headed to the gym where they have a stage in the back. within my first few moments we were outside of the gym for a cigarette. Of course, I think I was the only one smoking. It was a way to focus for me I guess... getting into my zone... Then Donald found a Nerf football in the dressing room (boys' locker room). We began tossing it back and forth and it quickly became our way of concetration, our warm-up. For some odd reason we couldn't stop laughing as if we smoked a whole pot plant.It was fun and a bonding moment. I just remember hitting our friend Tess in the chest with the ball, but only because she jumped in the way of a speeding Nerf throw.

After our dress rehearsal, I heard there was pizza and other food in the hall. I stuffed my face with six slices of pizza and a roasted chicken salad. And when we finished eating, time to find the motel. I was nervous we would get lost... NOPE! The hotel was right around the corner and on the main street that dragged through town. It was kind of weird looking, only a small town would have this motel. We got in our room, which was originally supposed to be Pedro, Brit, Thomas, and I. Two gays and two straights. It was an interesting combination. We all like to drink though, so that's where we started.

We went to the liquor store twice for wine. Three bottles of win between Brit, Pedro, and me. Thomas had his six pack of Coors Light to himself. Somehow we ended up locking ourselves out. Then Pedro remember there was another room. So we went in that room until we realized that all of our dance stuff was in that one locked room. There was no one at the desk until after we had to be at breakfast in the morning. Brit and I teamed up and after a few shots of him trying to use a card on the lock, I tried and got us into our room. Now we had two rooms and it was time for bed. Brit and I in one room, then Pedro and Thomas in the other.

For some reason Brit and I like to get drunk and have guy talks until 3 in the morning. Funny enough, we always have to get up at 6am. He's a really cool straight guy that reminds me of my friend Derek from back home. We have the same brotherly/friendly connection, too. So we talked a bit and it was time to go to bed...

That's All!

GOD HATEZ!!!

I have been in a fairly great mood all day, that was until now. Have you ever been victimized for being different? Have you ever had to hide who you are to keep yourself safe or even stay alive? It's time that prejudice, hate, bullying, segregation stops and acceptance begins.

I was on YouTube and Facebook a lot today. I even wrote two blogs on here. As I refreshed my news feed on Facebook, I was strongly disturbed when my friend posted a video, also being offended of this ignorant, ultra-religious man that posts videos on YouTube and his website www.Godhatezfags.com, www.facebook.com/godhatez etc... It's a sad, sad world that we still live in when people judge for God, for those of us that believe in God... God passes no judgment upon his creations. Being gay is the way we were born. I didn't wake up on the wrong side of the bed, not upset... but gay. I was like this since early childhood. I even had a crush on the Red Ranger (in gay porn now) and the lead guy from VR Troopers.

I have watched many heterosexual advocates, celebrities and even gay and lesbians fight against intolerance. Homophobes also hate against them. The problem with ignorance is that most of the time it occurs do to their parents or mis-educated and unaware of what homosexuality really is. I am happy loving a man. Being gay doesn't mean I am different because I enjoy sexual pleasure a different way. Maybe it's straight sex that is different or weird to me, and other gay and lesbian people. And guess what? We are still that, PEOPLE!!!!!!!

Since I was young I have been upfront and honest about who I am and what I believe in. I have grown and changed and learned and have had many experiences to make me see passed ignorance. I am a young adult that believes in equality and freedom of speech, but I am intolerant of intolerance. I can't stop it, only fight it. This fellow, God Hatez, has made me see just how closed-minded people can really be.

Throughout my 11 years being openly gay. I have dealt with homophobia in many ways. From threats, to violence, and beyond, we have all been through countless moments in our lives that have made us feel less than human. I breathe, I eat, I drink, I have all the same functions that a human being does. I am not an alien. Why do I end the opening sentence to this paragraph with, "openly gay?" Should we have to be closeted?

I have met many closeted gays lesbians that are terrified to come out of their closets that feel like the walls are closing in. Their families may not accept them, but remember there are always people that will. My strongest desire, though is to end homophobia from within the community. I dislike when masculine gay men are closeted or won't even talk to or look at someone because they are feminine. They are still gay, they are like you... maybe not masculine, but are at least open to your ideas, but it's not reciprocated.

God Hatez is just another punk that is insecure and making himself feel stronger and more powerful by joining a hateful cause. I wish that people would see that. My friend said that the religious nuts scare him, but why? They are like a wild animal that we are scared of, but we are taught that in most cases, the animal is scared of us. The idea that all of these advocates promoting discrimination are more like those wild animals. They hate because they don't understand. They may never understand, but as gays, we need to stand our ground. The world needs to change so that people like this hateful YouTube subcriber cannot be heard to spread a destructive tongue against the progress that has been made over even the past three years.

Does anyone want to join me for another campaign against hate?

A NEW WORLD is a BETTER WORLD.

That's All!

Bad Girls Or Bad Gays?

When I first arrived in Reno, I was scared that going out wouldn't be interesting enough for me. There's no place like NYC to me, and many would agree with me. I was around a group of new people with Reno Dance Company. I didn't know any gays other than my sister, Pedro. I was quick to learn that things could definitely get plenty interesting.

My first Friday in town the company was having a fundraiser in the form of a Wine Tasting. Pedro and I were ready to get crazy, New York City style. How else would we do it? As we were pouring little tastings for the event attendees, I would take a glass for myself. It was important that I knew which wines were good, right? I was partnered with this sweet Filipino girl named Abba. Lesa, the director, separated Pedro and I because she knew we'd get into trouble (FYI, Lesa's amazing). I met all of the company members that night and even made some new friends.

It started to grow closer to the time where Pedro and I were to head to Tronix, the popular gay place on Friday nights. We ran to the car and changed before leaving the country club. We were ready to party. As soon as we pulled into the back parking lot of Tronix, We popped a bottle of sparkling white wine from the tasting in the car as his friend Brit and his boyfriend joined in the backseat to chug before entering Club Tronix. Now, feeling more tipsy, it was was time to head in.

Natasia from Bad Girls Club was a special guest that night. Pedro, a major fan of the show was bouncing off the walls about this. We got drink tickets from the promoter named Brian. after those were gone, we had guys buying us drinks left and right. "sister, here's a shot of Jager," as Pedro ran to me with that dark, sweet, mind-shattering, wonderful bit of alcohol. We were drinking the night away.

Later that night, when Natasia finally made her appearance, Pedro was ECSTATIC. I was enjoying her plenty, too. I just remember him disappearing to the other side of the bar and I was going wild dancing. We ended up meeting this hott, muscular guy. Yeah, he smelled a little too "musky" for my liking, but he was hott... Then we found out the worst news of all, he was a FELLOW BOTTOM!!!! We were devastated. Like every go-go boy from NYC, past or present, we found ourselves in our underwear doing a team effort pole dance to "S&M" by Rihanna feat. Britney. I had got the DJ to clear the stage and announce us and the crowd went NUTS!!! Our bendy bodies around that pole like magnets, taking turns as I was Rihanna and he was Britney.

Maybe thirty minutes had passed and Natasia was back out signing autographs and taking pictures with her fans. Then it happened, I was pushed by a random bystander. I told him that I was waiting there in line to get a photo with her and Pedro, who was at the bar doing a shot. It turns out that this thin, piece-of-shit thought that he owned Reno. Quickly, I assured that I am a gay from NYC and he may want to not start a problem with me. Then his girl friend decided to get involved with a, "do you value life?" And then Pedro came back and got in their faces with me. He walked away for another minute. The kid and I suddenly were friendly. Pedro came back steaming and wondered what the fuck changed. Honestly, I don't remember, but funny enough the kid was underage and pulled a bottle of Goose out of his bag. I could only laugh! "yeah, you own Reno for sure kid!"

Oh Reno...

That's All!

How Did I Get Here?

Disastrous tendencies that have made me vulnerable have only made me stronger today. I have my shell, I have a barrier. I don't trust as easily. I don't make accusations. I can't be too serious about certain things or take people seriously until I know that what I see is real.

A lesson of late was reality. When things strike you all at once, as hard as they can, you are always in shock. Things that you thought were issues before become little nothings. When life throws you a flaming bag of dog shit to your front door, your first instinct is to put it out. Have you ever stepped back to see how it happened? You do put it out to prevent further problems, but understand that it could have been prevented. The prevention being your choices in any situation.

The situations I have put myself in can't be blamed on anyone else except for myself. I have learned to start taking responsibility for my actions. It takes time to organize where to place each situation with consequence, whether it be a good or bad one. The first step I am taking to change is looking at myself in the mirror every day when I have a few minutes. I am asking myself things like, "how did I get here?" After all of my questions and answers amongst this conversation with my reflection, I begin to see the good in me. I am a good person, I have a lot to be thankful for.

If life were to end at any moment, would I be satisfied with everything that I have done? My answer is, "no!" I have much to accomplish above my experiences thus far. I have much to learn and do. I have things to prove to myself. I can overcome all obstacles by myself and the help of those that lend that helping hand.

Last year at this time, I found myself in an emergency room. I know why I was there, thankful for being there. I made an attempt at my own life. It was me waking up into the light. "I'm not done, not ready to go." The thoughts slowly worked the gears in my mind to figure out how I was there. I look at it as a miracle to be opening my eyes and seeing my dear friend, RObert sitting there waiting for me to even make a sudden move.

I wasn't me in that very moment. I had demons that I kept dormant for time. The things from my past that haunted me erupted in a period of 48 hours. My anger, fear, uncertainty of life pushed me to make the wrong move. I needed to clear my head and make my own analysis of my 21 years of life. I honed in on my issues. I fought with myself mentally to discover that I wasn't as happy as I and many others thought I was. Just because someone appears to have it all, be happy, and/or be making their dreams come true... You could be wrong. Everyone was wrong with me. No one saw it coming.

I wonder how many people there were like me. People in NYC, young. Young adults wanting to make it, but instead filling their bodies with destruction and more uncertainty by clouding their minds with chemicals. There is something wrong with that picture to me. Everything that has happened to me is a result of my past, but because I chose to go down the wrong path.

Heading home to NYC in a few short weeks is an exciting adventure. I have much to do to make my dreams come true. I will make things happen. I will pursue my future and make myself proud, along with everyone around me.

Now, more than ever, I feel the fiery passion of life and my aspirations burning deeper within my heart and soul than I ever have. The warmth pressuring an eruption of epic magnitudes. This time it's for something good, something that will benefit me. Things aren't so bad, I just have more to come to terms with and learn. I'm ready to break free, make a whole new me. It's a revival of the old me mixed with more wisdom. Shield up, helmet on, sword faced forward. Screw love, life itself is a WAR and I'm pushing to the front of the enemy lines that are life. Each battle is a segment of life ready to be taken over. The war with reality is what I am faced with, therefore I will fight it until the very end. I'm ready... Reality fight me, I will win.

That's All!

Having Faith in Myself

During my stay in Reno, I have learned many new things about myself and the potential that I have to move forward. I have often lost all confidence after walking into an audition and lost faith in myself. I often ask myself, "why?"

I feel like I lost myself a little, or a lot, over the past few years living in NYC. Reno may have been the one thing I needed all along to put things into perspective for me. People live their lives and put things off as an under-emphasis and fall far behind while trying to become something. I don't want to be that person with dreams that turn my life into a nightmare.

This past Sunday I decided to go to church with Candy, my "house mom." She has been a joy to stay with and to be around. She is full of good energy. I woke up and decided I wanted the extra guidance. We drove to church and an anxiety started building inside me, like a flame that only the light could put out. As we pulled in, I began to get excited in a sense. I want change, therefore I was making one.

I walked through the doors, terrified that I may burst into flame, not because I am gay, but because my life has been so uncertain. What would my next step be? There was no lightning bolt that struck from the clear sky because I was sure to be damned. I walked in and felt nervous, but my mind quickly cleared. I opened myself up to interpret anything and everything.

At the Sparks Christian Fellowship, they are open and non-judgmental. As soon as I walked in and got my seat in this concert hall of a church, I was rushed with emotions in the live Christian Rock that was playing. My eyes welled up with tears and I realized how much I was missing in my life because of how jaded I have become. From family to NYC, things have been so fucked up in my young age and only I could change it. I am not the most religious person, but it felt good. It's been giving me the courage and confidence so far this week to do something and make myself work with diligence to progress to a higher level. I lost it somewhere on my path. Maybe it was a side path that looked like the better direction, somehow looking easier. I was wrong.

As my trip to Reno rapidly comes to a close with one weekend of performances out of the way, I realize just how badly I would like to make it BIG. I want to be someone that everyone knows. Here's the thing, I don't want to just be known for a nightlife socialite or club good. I want to be an advocate, I want to be major. I feel if I stay with this mindset and discontinue the partying every night, I will be less self-destructive to my own self. "To thine own self, be true!"

That's All!

The Dancing Type

I sat at the computer for about twenty minutes, staring at the screen. To me this is a blank canvas for me to type out my thoughts and vent, release. It's enjoyable and something that I can say that I love to do. Writing is just another form of me dancing.

I sit here tapping my fingers to my own beat about clubbing, love, pop culture, etc... but one thing that I always think is that my thoughts are dancing around my head and I am not sure what move I should do next. The improvisation gliding along the surface of my brain like swans to an orchestra.

This blog is my journal as is a stage. For many that don't know me or think they know me, I am a deep person. The ocean that I swim is bottomless. No one ever knows what I am really thinking, and when they try to guess... they'll be wrong every time. I have had people call me "mysterious," but the funny thing is, I lay it all out there... If someone wants to know something about me, I tell them. I am an open book and I prefer honesty above deception.

When I see myself dancing, I am usually writing or dreaming. The writing is also away of expressing my dreams and aspirations before doing them. I want to document my life in such a way that people can get to know me better. They can dance with me. The exciting parts are the hip hop, jazz, and tango parts; as for slow and dramatic, I would choose contemporary-lyrical. My mood usually goes into my dancing, and my writing is about that mood. Laying it out for all to know just how vulnerable I really am.

Have you ever looked at me and thought to yourself, "Who is this guy?" I know I have. I do it every time I look into the mirror. The reflection is someone I recognize, but not always someone I take pride in or even judge. The person is someone I am forced to look at every day, so I write these things down to keep me sane. I dance these emotions out to be loved by myself. The reflection will never change no matter how badly I would like it to. I live with that person staring back at me because he judges me. I get nervous and anxious that he is not proud of me. I go into depths to see what it is he sees.

This may sounds crazy or bipolar, which I get... but it's not... it's a reality that some of us face. Are we happy with our reflection physically and mentally? Is that person in the mirror staring back laughing at or applauding us. If we are not happy with ourselves, then how can we be happy with anything? I am dancing on the keyboard trying to figure out what it is that I am trying to say. The words are being typed as my brain processes more thoughts.

When I see myself in the studio, the mirrors from wall-to-wall, there's no escaping my reflection. I can't run away. I have to face myself. I see myself not pushing myself, I know I can do better... The other me is telling me so. It's just that reflection that makes me get it right. Just like my brain gets these words right.

My expressive side is pretty fucked up. I can say what I am thinking and people understand most of the time. Once again, I am the only one that gets me. I continue to type, but I need to push more out. Getting people to understand you is hard work, just like getting the steps to a choreographed piece.

ok, but seriously... I just went into a place of my brain that I didn't know I had. Going back there...

Dancing and writing are both movements for me. They are things that help me release and be me, see me, change me, improve me. I take it as a gift of expression, a talent that makes me strong with every move and tap. My reflection is my spell check, as my spell check is my technique and will to get every move right. Both strengthen my will to get better and make my heart more fond, day-by-day, of this art that consumes me.

My passion is how I know that I will make it.

That's All!

The Chronicles of Grindr: The Top, The Bottom, and Prude One.

As the end of 2011 approaches and 2012 sneaking up on us, I finally realize how technology and dating has really changed. As gay men, we no longer have to head out to a club or bar to find that man to take home or search endlessly for our future husband. Grindr does that for us.

I have been called the Grindr Queen, addicted to the app... even found my true (technically) off of this wonderful outlet for our gay renaissance of sorts. I remember first getting my iPhone right around my 21st Birthday. I remember it being one of my first downloaded apps. I got it before texting anyone.

I still feel the overwhelming rush of excitement, "wow, you're sexy... new to the area?" The funny part is that I wasn't new at all, I just downloaded a new app, I had a new way to get in touch with people. I quickly found myself going on dates, even having people meet me at my parties and promoting through this awesome outlet that seemed endless. Like the gay GPS, it scans your area for local gays, helping you find an instant hookup or chatting buddy to pass the time.

I have many experiences through Grindr, that I can reveal now more so than I could before. I remember my very first hookup off Grindr, it came after my first 947,875,785 dates (can you say exaggerate, much?) I just remember receiving x-rated photos and sending them and my heart was beating fast after my our many advancing messages to each other. Do you want to know the best part? He lived no more than one hundred yards from me! He was tall, dark, and handsome. I remember us cuddling and the thought of the pictures running through my head. I could feel him behind me, and before we both knew it, we were going at it. We continued this little escapade for a few months until I realized that we definitely were not on the same page.

In March 2010, I worked at Black Party and met this gorgeous French couple. They were charming and open and hung like horses of which I need to experience more often. We all fooled around and one of my friends even got involved. It was insanity, but the good kind. I stayed in touch through Facebook and Skype, but I didn't know when I would see them again until they popped up on Grindr. I used to live across the street from Barracuda and they were staying across Eighth Avenue at the Gem Hotel. I even bumped into one of them on the street and he scared me by coming up behind me. Well, a few nights later... They were both behind me. They rate in the Top 10"... I mean TOP 10 of my best ever! Let's just say, I love FRENCH MEN!!!!!!

I once met this French guy that works and lives in NYC. He took me to an amazing restaurant that my friend, Robert suggested to us. It was called B.E.S. on 22nd and 11th. It was cute and he kissed me at the end of the night, but awkward because he admitted to thinking because we met on Grindr that I would just go home with him. This wasn't the case, so we chatted a few more times and then I just blocked him... What a shame!? He was so gorgeous!

The best time to go on Grindr is during Pride, Black Party Weekend, and HustlaBall weekend. You find so many handsome guys. A lot of them being "DTF" which was always fine by me. Once again, my French couple would pop up and plenty of other candidates. Long Story made short, those weekends are very pleasurable.

Imagine Fire Island, a place filled with great looking guys that are ready to pounce because of being stuck in NYC and now the beast wanted to break free. On certain weekends there are great sex parties, and house parties, and things in general that you can get yourself invited to or meet up with people there so you already know that at least one guy that is going peaks your interest. I have found some of the best meetings out there in my time. The issue is, HORRIBLE RECEPTION!

When I head out of town to New Haven or even DC I am on Grindr picking up people all the way there from the bus or my friends' cars. My friends have even asked, "do you think the bus is going to stop for you to have a 15-minute-fuck?" It's actually really funny because I am usually just chatting to get to know people because I am bored. In DC, I actually found an amazing guy that I am still friends with and he was phenomenal in bed, but even better out. Too bad he lives in DC, right?

Everyone knows my best Grindr occurrence of how I met my ex, the love of my life. It's a tale that I will continue to tell for years, maybe as long as I live so I won't tire the subject now.

Grindr conversations are very direct or sometimes even drag out until you hear the popular questions, "what are you into? What are you looking for? top or bottom? Masc or fem?" etc... That's why I message my speech before being asked and most guys like that I know what I want. Some think I come on way too strong, but why play games? Why waste my time or theirs?

Grindr is also censored heavily. You cannot write many things on your profile and your profile photos are to be that of a Catholic School outfit. It's asking for much, but I guess you can send more in chats. Some guys don't think they should have to send photos of even have a default. Do they realize that I won't have sex or even go on dates with anything that in considered a man?

In Reno, NV people are very closed off or over confident. I have had the most unattractive guys start propositioning me and the guys I would go for act prude or want to take me on dates. The goodlooking guys are on the slim pickings side, so none of that has even happened.

That's All... for now!

Then You Left

I saw you, I stared.
I heard you, I listened.
When you first laughed, I blushed.
You flirted, I became shy.

The first time you touched me, I felt static.
The first time you held my hand, my heart hummed a song.
The first time you hugged me, I melted into you.
The first time you kissed me, I couldn't breathe.
The first time you held me, we became one.
The first time you made love to me, I was yours.

We went on adventures, we explored.
I would breathe in your scent, I got high.
"I want you," and you had me.
You took a polaroid in sepia tone, it would last longer

The first time you touched me, I felt static.
The first time you held my hand, my heart hummed a song.
The first time you hugged me, I melted into you.
The first time you kissed me, I couldn't breathe.
The first time you held me, we became one.
The first time you made love to me, I was yours.

What I want to be forever, it ended quickly
The adventures were grand, but journeying faded.
I stayed in and cried, losing you killed me.
I was reborn with reality and motivation
I wanted you, needed you, but I needed my sanity more.
Where is my sanity?

The last time you touched me, I felt static.
The last time you held my hand, my heart hummed a song.
The last time you hugged me, I melted into you.
The last time you kissed me, I couldn't breathe.
The last time you held me, we became one.
The last time you made love to me, I was yours.
Then you left...

The Dancer

People have a passion, they have an outlet to release emotions, show their talent, be who they want to be. It's a place they escape to where they feel invincible. Insecurities be damned because this place is solace and no one can take that away.

When I dance, I feel free and invincible. Nothing can penetrate my passion as if I had a force field protecting my release. I feel people watching me, yet I am alone on the dancefloor. I can only see me, be me, feel me. Getting back into ballet has been one of the most difficult thing after a few years. I felt every insecurity pressing me to the ground. You may as well have buried me six-feet under. Somehow, I decided it was time to step it up and I dug myself out to work my ass off.

When those stage lights are on me, it's a glow... Not because the lights are hot, but because I am me again. I feel wholesome and innocent on stage. I'm not judged nor am I constricted to reality. I am a super hero that has no kryptonite, except maybe too much tequila. My life is literally a scene from Billy Elliot in the sense that I want to break free dancing every single moment that I feel a large rush of emotions. I break free, let loose, I'm me.

Now, I see dancing as just fun and my love, so why am I going to hold back any longer. I am capable of much more and being something greater. Why do people call me the dancer? They don't call me 'the dancer' because I play football. I'm ready to make it.

That's All!

Falling In & Out

I don't know why, but things seem to get harder with dating as you grow older. As your heart grows more fondly over one person, you start to realize how insignificant all the other hookups and suitors were before the one. I can't say he was the "one that got away." He was more like the one that had to go away.

Starting on Monday evening, I had a sudden rush of emotions toward my Aussie ex-boyfriend; I guess it's more difficult ending on good terms than it is like a normal disaster parting. It could have been a disaster if you look at it in the right sense. Heart shatters and it sounds like a thin glass falling to the ground and it takes forever to clean up because of how far it spread. No suction of romantic vacuum currant could seem to shock it back to life and working properly.

When people express a kiss as taking their breath away or a spark that ignites their heart, it's not a phony rush. I was kissed, I was touched, I was alone with him every single time he kissed me. The spark set my heart of fire and I couldn't breathe. He looked at me and I was melting, so he would catch me with a tight embrace and life-changing kiss. Adele says, "yesterday was the time of our lives," and this past summer was the time of my life.

I feel like after love squanders, the wrong types, somehow journey into your life. What these types don't realize is that I can recognize what I want and what I feel. Yesterday I saw something so simple that reminded me of my ex in TJ Maxx when I was with my friend Candy shopping... I burst into tears straight away. It was natural.

In the past few days I have also spoke with a few of my friends such as Candy, Erica, and a few others about our exes and it seems that we all have similar issues. My Aussie was someone that had the utmost respect for me, and I for him. The times we shared are irreplaceable. Sometimes, we as people, lose sight of reality and dwell on our past and when things were, or seemed to be, perfect. My life wasn't purely absolute with him, but everything seemed better. I am a motivated being, but he made me ten times more.

Now my head rushes with a million questions and uncertainties. How do I find it again? Will I ever find it again? Can someone help me fall out of love so that I can fall back in it? I find it hard to believe that you can feel that strong for more than one person in your entire life. In television and Hollywood in general, we see characters leaving their mates that they settled down with for their ONE TRUE LOVE. are these real stories? I don't want to hurt anyone or build a life to throw a wrecking ball at, but fate and passion would strain my soul until I ruined what I currently had.

That's All!

Wondering.

At times I wonder, "why do guys make us wonder?" I feel games are programmed into guys' heads to make us think and guess what is really going on. Sometimes it makes us over think, over analyze and causes unnecessary drama. Why does this happen?

I have always battled myself, and so have many others about things that may be wrong with us because of these guessing games. There is a mental block in our minds since we can't understand why guys hold back or aren't direct with us.

I believe in honesty and being upfront with somebody. Sometimes when you express yourself fully then you get an undesired answer, but at least you get something out of them. Other men like to play 'cat and mouse' and by that point it becomes a lost cause anyway. I hate chasing, but I like answers. It's like being left out in the cold and you're going to freeze until that door is opened and you get warmth whether it's a gratifying answer, or not.

That's kind of happening to me now. As much as I like someone, I still don't have a complete closure with someone that I care for. I ought to deserve some sort of way to cease my curiosity. I accept timing for what it is, but making me wait for explanations as to why I am lingering in anticipation for future rebuttal to continue a relationship of any sort, is simply absurd.

Moral to my little blurb, JUST SAY WHAT YOU'RE THINKING... stop making me guess and wonder, possibly coming up with all of these ideas that maybe I'm being lied to, and have been mislead this entire time. I don't like guessing games.

That's all!

Craving the Big Apple

I am sitting at a computer desk with this computer sitting in front of me trying to think of something to write about. I think it just hit me. Why am I going to attempt pulling passion from nowhere? What am I feeling at this very moment? I miss the "city that never sleeps."
I miss the lights that pollute the sky so we can't see the stars at night. I miss how they glimmer from miles away and from fifty blocks, you can see Times Square as if you in the heart of it. I miss the times of sitting dead center and looking up and around at night when I was upset, remembering just how lucky I am to be a part of this city. The smell of burnt nuts on carts with people struggling to keep their working papers. the clutter that New Yorkers hate to push through because the clutter are just slow paced tourists.
I miss walking through the Gayborhood (Chelsea) and being stopped every twenty steps by another person that I know and have a five minute conversation. I miss my friends and I getting trashed. and walking five steps home from Barracuda. I can see myself on my old stoop smoking a cigarette and people watching as I think, "How did I get this lucky?" I just see my friends going out and about we end up in a large group heading to dance, tear up that floor.
I raise Hell in Hells Kitchen with my friends mostly only on Wednesday nights. We start at the Ritz and work our way to Industry and terrorize anyone that gets in the way. I can taste the $4 Frozen Margaritas at Mother Burger and the burgers and guacamole. I see the people in the courtyard plaza, some romancing, some sobering up. It's perfect.
I can feel the city in me when I am away. I can hear it calling me and like a magnet, the pull is forcing me back. My friends are messaging me that they miss me. My party being set up. I'm craving NYC back in my life.
Out West things are so simple, but are so complicated because everyone is caught in a state of boredom that they need to start drama. It's a simple lifestyle that builds to become overboard. I can't wait to be back in a city that never sleeps, so I will be forced to stay awake.

NYC better be ready for me to return with open arms, streets, and minds. I will be back as a new person with a fire to stay and fight until I make it. I am not made for a simple life. I am made for LIFE!!!

That's All!

Family Matters

When I was growing up, I knew I had a screwed up family. I knew things weren't perfect in the world even when televisions show depicted an American family to be perfect. For some reason or another, the cynical side of of me had already manifested.

I grew up with a disabled, single mother who was always sick. Disability and her trying to work in my grandparent's restaurant was our support system financially. It was hard seeing my mother in bed all of the time and moaning in pain. It kind of scars a kid, ya know? She was a clean freak and her medications would always give her mood swings worse than a adolescent. I remember moments that certain pain meds even made her feel suicidal and go crazy. She used to yell and scream for us to clean. She had it rough, raising three kids. I can't even imagine.

When I was growing up, we never had a nice, brand new car. My grandparents bought our house for us. They were were amazing people. Caring for whomever they could, selfless generosity. We always had secondhand furniture. And our house looked rundown after a few years. We couldn't afford to pay it. I was only a child.

My brother Bryan is ten years older than me and after he hit high school, he was never around. He was always out with his fellow team members from the football and wrestling teams. We did things together, but he always bullied me. It's the older-younger brother thing, I guess. He was always going against my mom and fighting, but we still made every game he played in or every wrestling match. I remember one time, it was sooo cold that I could feel the cold in my toes driving to see him wrestle. I used to make friends with all the older kids at his games and matches because I was so outgoing, energetic, and bound to gay.

I can recall, perfectly, the day Bryan left for college. It was July 7th, 1997. He had the UHAUL truck packed up. I sat outside the bathroom with the door open as he was shaving his face, crying because you always look up to your older brother as a kid. We went to my grandparent's restaurant for breakfast before he had to hit the road. In the UHAUL it was just Bryan and me. Savage Garden "I Want You" was playing and was really popular at the time and we made my mom and sister wait outside the truck while we sang the rest of the song together. When he hit the road I didn't know I would oly see him a handful of times up until this point in my life.

Pittsburg was such a bad place for my brother the first couple of years. Artist School Dropout. He started getting lazy and caught up in drugs. He dated this girl from a club that he worked at. We never met her. Then he met his present day wife. When I first met her, she was gorgeous and so much fun! She was so cool at first, then she went a little crazy. My brother loved her, so whatever bullshit we went through with her, we had to deal with. They got married in the Mormon church, meanwhile, we are Roman Catholics. My mom and grandmother were so upset. I was the only grandkid to actually get my First Holy Communion AND Confirmation. It was my choice.

My sister was always a shy girl, but big sweetheart. She looked for the best in people, but they would judge her for her size. She was and is a larger girl. I remember people saying things to or about her, around her and getting so upset. What did she ever do to them? NOTHING! She would boss me around all of the time, and I hated that, but at least I got to play with her Barbies with her. Her and a friend dressed me in drag at a very young age and my mom came upstairs and I hid, I was so scared she'd be mad. She was upset, but not pissed.

I came out at the young age of 11 to my family. They were open and accepting and caring. The thing was, they didn't get how much it was going to affect me, and trust me, it did. My sister was there for me more than anyone. School got harder, but my sister was always there to talk to when I got home from school or dance and we would talk and she hated homophobic assholes more than I did. She was always helping me out for dance lessons and things that I needed. I was spoiled. But whenever she always bossed me around, it really got to me.

When my mom married my stepfather in 2006, I was happy for her, but sad for my Jessica and me. My stepfather, Donnie, hated us kids because it took my mom's attention from him. He could never get along with both of us at once. I remember hearing things I shouldn't ever have heard. I heard them having sex, fighting, and it got to the point where he would beat my mom. As a teenage kid, kicking down my mom's bedroom door to make sure she was OKAY. What he was doing was never right. There were times I had to stay with my friend Becky for a week at a time and I didn't talk to my mom in school (she was a substitute teacher) and just walk passed her and I felt cold toward her. Donnie, as much of an asshole as he was, could be a cool guy... but he was homophobic, too!

My cousin Sera was getting married and the day of her wedding, a fight broke out in our house... the neighbors had to hate us. My mom broke me that day with what she said to my sister and I as we were waiting to go to the wedding... She didn't want to sit with us at the ceremony because, "I love Donnie more..." I can still feel the rage boiling over top of my head and my fist was through the wall. I was screaming an anger from deep within my being that was so passionate and real and raw, I thought I could kill someone. I started calling her by her first name for a while, Theresa... There were so many instances during their relationship that I can never forgive my mother for... The day of my grandmother's funeral, we got home and Donnie fought with Jessica and kicked her out of the house.

I left for a year to live with my cousins in Chatham, NJ. Things were much more stable there, family wise. They are great people. I loved living there, but I wasn't ready for something like that and I messed it up, but I learned from it. There was drama in this time from my ex boyfriend and controversy over my grandparent's restaurant. Either my mom, and her brother and sisters had to get along or they were gonna lose it. Guess what? They lost it. I gave up dance for the year I lived in Jersey. I didn't need it as much because I had the family support there.

When I moved back home to dreery Norwich, I got into many fights with Donnie and my mother about moving back in and such. I found work right away. Things were going to be good. I was dancing at the studio, which was my only other escape from work and my family. I didn't have school. I danced my butt off and no one really got why i was so selfish all of the time. I had to be. I struck everyone as an angry prick because I would constantly be mad at someone. How could I not be? Look at what hand was dealt to me.

After being home for a year, I decided that I needed to pursue something more than my hometown, so I packed up my stuff and I moved to NYC. Now, my family was "supportive" yet everyone expected me to fail after 3 months. They didn't realize how deep my love for the Big Apple grew and how my roots were being transplanted to new soil. I did everything to make myself stay. I wasn't going anywhere.

For my 21st Birthday, which I had planned for months... My family came to the city that never sleeps and were tiring me out from drama. When you go on a trip. Don't you look up directions and prices, etc...? They expected me to do all of the work. I wasn't there for that. I even remember telling my sister that she cold stay in her hotel room and mope about because I wasn't putting up with her dramatic shit. This was about me. My best friend in the world, Liz even was on my side about it... She was so much fun. She is like a sister to me. I love her. BACK TO THE BIRTHDAY... Finally, my sister caved in and they showed up and came to eat, drink etc... they were coming out to bars, etc... Then my sister wasn't feeling well, so they went to the hotel and left the next day as I headed out to Fire Island.

In December of the same year... just over five months later, I found myself in the hospital. On December 14th at 3:30am I attempted suicide and landed my pretty self in a psych ward at Beth Israel for a about six days. My family headed down from upstate to be "supportive." The only one that cried was my sister. My mom and I weren't on good terms anyway. My brother called and told my mom, "He's like a butterfly and when he hatches he's gonna fly whichever direction the wind is blowing." WHAT? I think he belonged in the hospital wayyyy more. I didn't talk to him for a very long time. I didn't want anything to do with him. He wasn't my brother. I couldn't care if he got hit by an industrial eighteen-wheeler. I expressed that to him from the pit of my stomach through emails. I think he got the point when I told him not to respond, but to just read and learn. I even went as far as putting my very dear friend, Robert as my emergency contact.

Even up until today, my family still sketches me out. They are all Mormons now, and self-righteous cult-heads that have no perception of reality. I can't escape thoughts of them being so hurtful, and that's why I guard myself from them and I try being so close with my friends other than real family. I am a little scarred from it. I can only be a good person from how I have learned to be from my own experiences. I am living and learning each day... I will prove to everyone, especially my family, what I can do with my life... But more importantly, I will prove it to myself.

That's All!

Beginning of Change For Love Part II

I really wasn't prepared for what the next day was going to bring. I woke up in Chris' arms on the VERY sunny, summer morning. We all got ready and headed for food, then it was time to say our final goodbyes, he had to go back to Australia, his dad was very ill. I had to let him go. I remember standing there, not wanting to look at him because that meant that I had to come to terms with him leaving. He hugged and kissed me and again, "I will fight for you, Richard!"

As I watched the taxi pull away from that corner on 33rd and 1st, I tried to stay standing tall, but deep down inside I was crumbling to the deepest parts of my core. I was off balance. I walked crosstown to 22nd and 8th to be around my friend, Robert.
Later that night, Chris called me from Miami and I remember wanting to be near him. his voice was in my ear, but physically so far away. I couldn't stop crying, but I was going on about my job and duties.

The next week I was a complete wreck, but I remember that Tuesday going to Barracuda and was miserable and then a karaoke contestant started to sing "Someone LIke You" by Adele. I was just about to lose it when Chris called me. I ran outside to take his call and we talked for approximately a hopeful 30 minutes. He surprised me by saying he'd be back in NYC July 30th-August 2nd to see me before going back to Melbourne. I was overwhelmed with joy. When I got back inside, another person was singing "Someone Like You." Coincidence or fate?

When he arrived downstairs on 35th St, I remember shaking from excitement and running down to help him with his bags, dinner on the stove. We smoked a cigarette, hugged and kissed. We got upstairs, and I had things planned already. He was watching TV and eying me as I nervously shook and was clumsy and dropping things. I remember starting to cry from being so happy. My feelings were definitely going into my food. I made him such a great meal with cocktails and all.

After dinner, as I was cleaning up I drew a bubblebath to relax from traveling with a playlist that I hand selected,,, He wanted me in there with him so I sat next to the tub and then I ended up getting in with him and sitting in his arms. He was kissing my neck and I was in HEAVEN. Again, I felt like I was on a cloud. No one has ever made me feel so vulnerable to emotional mumbo jumbo. We were imperfectly perfect!

The next few nights we spent completely alone and together, even if others were around it was like we were the last two people left on Earth. We had a day of debauchery with my friend, Langley. I remember being shit-faced off our tits! Chris and I ended up having a knock-down, drag-out fight over things that we couldn't even remember the origin of. I remember crying as he was walking away from me. It was funny because my straight friend/boss Jacob ended up taking him to XES to cool down and Langley, who lives above XES, took me upstairs to do the same. I can recall the boys coming up to the apartment, Chris sat down on the opposite, and like in a movie, started scooting closer to me and as soon as his arm was around me, I caved into his arms. I was crying waterfalls on him. "You know I wouldn't just leave you like that, Richard..." I was living the fantasy, gay love life out of a movie.

On Tuesday night, we headed to Barracuda (yes, I love Barracuda). It was Karaoke night and we just wanted to hangout with my friend Kevin because he wanted to say bye to my Aussie before he left for the airport a few hours later. I can still feel and smell and sense how it felt to have him put his arms around me as the same kid, Nick, sang "Someone Like You" so beautifully!

Not too much later, we walked back to my place and I broke down on the way and couldn't stand up because I was crying so hard. He was holding me up. He was hugging me and tearing up himself. When we got back, we had 30 minutes to spend with each other. SO I curled up in his arms, my grip was so strong... I didn't want him to leave.

The phone rang and his car for the airport was there, I gave him a jockstrap, sprayed it with my cologne... sounds weird, but he wanted a reminder of my booty, I guess. We walked downstairs and I just remember not being in reality and I was thinking we were just going somewhere together, until they pulled away once again. I wrote him a letter that he didn't open until he left.I poured my heart and soul into every bit of ink I laid on that paper.

Chris is, and will remain to be, my savior from jerks. We broke up after he left, technically, but he taught me how I should be treated by guys, not to change, and go for my dreams. He always called me brilliant, as was what we had, "We'll always have New York," and that seems to be my boyfriend more than anything because of my memories with him. Someone has some big shoes to fill if they want me, but he was really tall with very large feet!

If someone sweeps you off your feet, let it happen because you'll regret not knowing what love is. I learned and was forced to learn quickly. We couldn't have been anymore in our own little world. My friends would tell me how perfect we were together and how much he cared for me, they could see it. I could feel it.

There's always New York, We have New York. We will experience New York again... SOmeday...

That's All!

Beginning of Change For Love

In mid-July I was in my normal party mood, ready to take over the town and paint it any color I saw fit. I headed to Splash Bar NYC (http://www.splashbar.com/)for Campus Thursdays to turn out the dancefloor... In fact, that's just what I did. At somepoint I stopped remember much, so I took a break to have myself a cigarette. I have the most vague recollection of a guy approaching me, "I like your leggings, but you should get them in gold... I think I want a pair." With a cunty response from me, he walked away.

I woke up the next morning with Facebook flooded with pictures of me on stage dancing with Meg Live! in my androgynous outfit, looking completely fierce. I proceeded to check my phone and I had six texts from friends about the events of the previous evening, or early morning... however you look at it. How messed up was I?

I moved onto my next step of my wake-up process- GRINDR (http://twitter.com/#!/Grindr) and I saw this devilishly, handsome guy that called himself "aussieboy" or something along those lines. Anyway, I started chatting to him because part of his profile read 'looking for a drinking buddy' and I am a fantaastic drinking buddy, party friend. We chatted back and forth and set a place and time to meet.

We met at Elmo (http://www.elmorestaurant.com/), where I worked at the time. I walked in and saw this tall, gorgeous guy so instead of walking straight over to him, I talked to my coworker/friends first. I was impossibly nervous, but I had to sit down, right? I sat down and introduced myself, but why did he look familiar? Then he said, "You were that kid in the heels and red leggins at Splash last night, yeah?" "that's me! oh no.." It was the 'GOLD LAME LEGGINGS' guy!!! I kept my cool; though, more anxious now, especially because of his sexy accent! What was I supposed to say next?

He started up the conversation and we talk for around two minutes and then right away, I spoke up, "Let's do this... We each get five minutes to tell our life stories, I'll go first. Time me." Within those five minutes I gave everything I had from past relationships to life promblems, to happy moments and beyond. He did the same.

I was only looking for a friend out of him at this point, then the tables turned... Now, I wanted to kiss him. He had to leave to catch a taxi to pic up his friend from the airport. We agreed to meet later at G Lounge (http://glounge.com/) when I was working if he could convince his straight buds. True story, within a few minutes we were texting each other and I remember explain how I couldn't guage our interaction until he finally texted me back, "I was moments away from reaching across the table for a kiss." I was sold.

Later that night, him and his friends ended up showing up. We had a blast together.I was craving a kiss, but he ended up being a complete traditional gentleman. He refused kissing me right away. Then another day passed and we saw each other, no kiss, but we were holding hands. He would come to Elmo and get a beer as I was getting off of work, then we'd leave together. Then it was Sunday... I had to work the dinner shift, so he came in and had a drink, then he joined my friends Langley and Tommy to hit up the Maritime Cabanas for the Sunday Funday afternoon parties. Langley and Chris (my aussie boy) got along so well.

Later that night, Chris and his friend Amanda met us at Elmo with langley so we could go to Barracuda (http://twitter.com/#!/BarracudaLounge) to see my dear friend, Sherry Vine's (http://twitter.com/#!/search/sherry%20vine) show. It was funny and everyone loved it. When it was finished, Chris and I journeyed outside to have a smoke. He grabbed my hand and we walked half a block.

I remember a light against a white, brick wall that was plain and a background setting for him to gently shove me against a wall and confidently he said, "Now I'm going to kiss you!" As his lips touched mine I felt jolts of electricity serging through my mouth to my brain, into my neck and down my spine. It didn't stop there; I felt it in my hands and finger tips until my arms were around his shoulders and fingers trhough his hair, his arms around my back. This jolt, ended up being an energy source from just a kiss. I couldn't feel my feet as if i were floating, and then he released. "WOW!" we both said and stood back in shock for a moment until we continued supplying the air with an electrical storm. I remember it bringing slight tears to my eyes. I foudn it, the spark.

We walked back in to our friends, and I realized something changed. No one else in the room that was staring at us somehow didn't matter anymore. The next day, we hungout and now we could kiss, but we didn't want something like sex to just ruin us. We held off. I continued showing him around NYC with his friends. I had already showed them some great oyster place in the West Village called Fish (http://www.fishrestaurantnyc.com/), and some cool bars. I even told him and his one friend, Rob about Pier 45 (http://newyork.timeout.com/%5Btimeout-url-channel%5D/%5Btimeout-url-section%5D/119542/hudson-river-park-at-pier-45). We ended up going to Barracuda again that evening for Peppermint's (http://twitter.com/#!/Peppermint247) show. There was a moment when we were sitting on the couch holding hands and he asked me, "do you think this is too perfect?" and he had a nervous shutter in his vocie... "No Chris, It is only too perfect if you believe it's not deep down, I think we are just right," or something along those lines... I have the cheesiest things that I say, but they somehow make sense. I remember a guy flirting with him and he said I was his boyfriend, but only because he wanted him to go away. It still made me feel really good. Not too long after, we said goodnight and were texting each other non-stop, until we fell asleep.

On Tuesday, I felt even stronger and just wanted him. SO I worked the lunch shift at Elmo and he came in and ate and had a beer at the end of it and we left together to hangout. I remember it being a beautiful, but scortching hot day. We did our normal thing and then he went to hangout with his friends. He wanted to see me even more now because for the first night, we may have not been able to see each other because he was with his straight friends at a straight bar. We kept texting back and forth that we wanted to see each other, but I told him his friends were in town only a short time longer and to hang out with them. It wasn't happeneing, I realizEd He when he said he was on his way and the Aussie gang walked into Barracuda on their Karaoke Night and the conversation quickly got intense when he pulled me aside. I remember thinking he was crazy because he believeed he was cramping my style and that he thought we should just stay drinking buddies because his feelings were growing for me and how he saw me as his, but he knew that wasn't the truth... Then in an instant, after explaining to him that I wanted him and was afraid he didn't, it happened... He kissed me and we were together.

This time when he kissed me, the walls lifted, people seemed to disappear and the floor lifted, we were soaring! I knew the stars were around me because so were his arms. My body tingled, hands shuttering, eyes closed, heart in his hands... I grew warmer, now... his scent filling my soul and I was his. It was an intense passion that changed who I was and still am.

The next Day I found myself walking cross-town to his place. We cuddled for a while. I started kissing him and he kissed me... Were we going to make love? I remember him being over me and kissing me and my legs wrapped and I nibbled on him and we were one being.. He was the nicest sweetest guy ever and I just remember wanting him more and more. I even had to RUN home in a DOWN POUR of rain, but it was worth it.
Over the few weeks we had fun drinking, partying, going to various restaurants, journeying around the city and enjoying our downtime together. His last Friday here, I was having allergic reactions to the heat and season and had to leave work. he still planned this amazing after date for us. I ended up being too sleepy because of allergy meds, but I have never had someone be so creative and romantic that I burst into tears and couldn't stop.

That's All!

From NYC to NV

I was down and out for a few months in NYC with friends helping me left and right, attempting to find work opportunity, etc. Halloween week before I left for Reno, NV was a crazy time.
Halloween is a time to dress up and be someone you're not; kind of like being an actor and staying in character. I don't always feel the need to get in costume, the. Last minute I was a rape victim and a bloody mess.
Pedro and I had a going away brunch that didn't turn out as many friends aswe wouldhave hoped, but it was definitely a great way to say, "goodbye," to NYC. Even Sherry Vine showed up and that was brief, but sincere!
I left for Reno, scared and anxious. Why not, though? I don't know anything about Reno, let alone the west coast of America! Ballet class was something I was warned about, but didn't heed it as cautiously as I should have.
I was wrecked, but after a slight mental break-down, I've decided to focus on dance and make things happen for myself. It's just about time kick my ass into gear and become something more than a club kid working for catering companies. Just some thoughts...

That's all!

I'm On the Edge!

I've loved Edge of Glory since the first time I heard it. It never made much sense to me until recently. I met this guy from Melbourne, Australia on his holiday and prep to move here to model with Wilhemina. After our first real meeting, I only wanted to kiss him and be around him. Within a short period of 4 days, he made me his. He had no doubts in his head and it was refreshing because it was mutual.

I was showing him around New York City and at times his friends, also. He appreciated me and I him. When near him, I always felt electricity between us. It was a certain static. I kiss and he takes my breath away every single time! If my heart were to stop, simply the touch of his hand would jumpstart my heart.

We both started to see a trend of Edge of Glory playing at the most random, funky times where it meant something. Aside from it playing nonstop on the radio, it started to play the moment we went somewhere, turned on the radio, shuffled music on the iPod, even at nightclubs. The craziest of all is when he left for Miami and I thought he wasn't coming back to NYC- Edge of Glory wa playing on my radio here and in the lobby of his hotel down there. We both feel the song and we get how it applies to us and our passionate romance... It's "Notebook" style romance; fiery and intense- Most of all, it's MUTUAL!

Back in Australia, his father got sick. He wants to make things better with his family that turned their backs on him after his coming out. It's something that he needs to fix for himself and work on things to make his life better and I'm doing the same here in Manhattan. It just so happens that he came back to surprise me for a 4 day span to bid a proper fairwell.

When he arrived, I was so excited that I had dinner planned, his favorite beer in America that I introduced him to, a bubble bath for him to relax in, and many other things that made him see more how much he cares for me and I for him.

For a fantasy reunion for us, I imagine a Ladgy Gaga concert that a contest is won and we are flown from different parts of the world to meet. When Lady Gaga is about to sing Edge of Glory, she asks if there is a Melbourne native in the house named Chris. I'm pretty sure there may be 100 of them in the room, but then she would have me come out and she would say, "Is there one of you that is on the edge of glory with him?" and from there she sings the Hell out of the song and let's us have our moment. To me that would make part of my new dreams transform into a reality. Love is something that you go to lengths for when you're on the edge. In modern day society, it's hard to find that burning inside that makes you want to fly. We once said, "This sort of thing only happens in the movies, how can it be real?" The answer is: movies are based off of some form of reality.

He made me grow and become more in 3 weeks. He made me feel like my heart would pound out of my chest and still does even though he's gone. I can tell you... I'm on the EDGE!

Almost Over or Just the Beginning?

Back in December I had a bad moment of depression. Everyone thought that I was the happy, always smiling, living life kind of kid. I was the happiest guy in the world, but no one could see my inner demons from when I was younger. I had plenty of monsters under the bed.
Most people do't like to see the harsh truth even if it's staring them in the face. Many of my friends would turn a blind eye to signs of the intense melancholy me that was putting on a smile for everyone surrounding me.
Finally, one night I was out with my friends and something snapped in me- I felt like I was unwanted, undesirable and meant nothing, not a bit to anyone and that my life was going nowhere. I kept drinking and boozing until it escalated to me attempting to overdose; needless to say, I woke up in the hospital the next day.
My head was spinning, vision still blurring, my thoughts couldn't be placed together. I was still high on whatever I did the night before. I was dazed and confused. How did I end up here?
An attempt at my own life landed me in the hospital for a week. I attempted to get out early and they only discharge on business days- I was stuck in there for the whole weekend. In MOST ways the experience was the best way to learn who I was and kick my own life back into gear. I was strengthening myself with me. I had a few counselors, but it was mostly me teaching myself. I went to the group meetings and read my books and magazines. I played music in my head and began my crative streak. I read everything from the Gaga Book to NYC Architecture back to the CHELSEA HOTEL MYTHS and gossip magazines; all in part to my bestfriend, Kevin. He also tried convincing them to let me out for our weekly Champagne night, the doctors weren't going for that idea.
I remember my friend Robert coming to see me or drop things off to me and being upset with everyone treating me like garbage. He arranged with my friends for visitors and such. I got to see my friend Vinny and my friend Marto... I cried when I saw both of them. They were there with all of the support in the world
I was still a part of the this world. I decided I was going to make the best of my stay and to live my life after I got out.
I remember going out to the Ritz to see Bianca Del Rio the night I got out and just being so happy to be alive and happier to have true friends around me.
The next night Sherry Vine invited me to the movies with her and Joey Arias. We saw TRON in 3D, it was great! Afterward, we headed to Vig 27 where Peppermint performed with special guest, Lady Bunny. For some reason everything Peppermint sang that whole week spoke to me.

The past few months have been such a rough patch, but every single day is another reason to live. One hardship now seems like ten opportunities. I learned who I could trust and who truly loved me. I know who and what my life was meant for. I am an entertainer, a person to make others laugh and smile. I own any room I walk in. It's a glow.
Since I've been out I have done plenty to pursue me. I started working the door every Friday at G Lounge. I'm loved amd part of a family there. I'm a personality and they recognize and respect that, and responded with a job for me. It was the beginning again. I started getting dance gigs left and right. I filmed two music videos, Sherry Vine "More This Way" & Dani Barbers "Fly". I began looking for opportunity everywhere. I then was picking up gigs for Black Party and other events. Sherry's parody of "Born This Way" was recognized and still is being noticed everywhere!
I am booking gigs all the time now. two more music videos in the month of April and a performance. My life was too great to end... I am on a roll... I'm stronger than yesterday.

Holding is Against Britney!!

One of the first and only people to have her new single the day before it came out was Ryan Seacrest via Z100. I was stoked to finally listen to what she was throwing at us. It was said that this was going to be a major comeback for Britney. It was more like a setback and she wasn't throwing it at us, it was aimed for the dumpster behind a ghetto McDonald's where no one should ever find it.
So many Britney fans were disappointed when their excitement was crushed by her anti-dance track. It's at 133 bpm's which make it almost impossible to dance to unless you're cracked out of your mind at some circuit party. Of course, that really is the only way anyone may dance to this song. It's the "dancing under the influence" kind of thing.
Before Gaga recorded Telephone and released it on her album, she song was meant to go to Britney, but Brit and her producers turned it down. It's one of Lady Gaga's biggest hits and craziest videos. But through all of Gaga's success of 2010, Britney still made $2 million more than Gaga through her washed-up merchandise.
"Hold it Against Me" was orignally a demo for Ke$ha. I haven't heard the demo, but I guarantee you it sounds better; my friend's opinion shifted me in that direction. Ke$ha is a newbie still compared to Britney being in the game for over 10 years. If you know it's a floppable track then why would you take it from someone like Ke$ha woho could actually do something with it? That's just sad.
Last night I was at Peppermint's show at Barracuda and they played the song , as predicted. The second the song hit the crowd, everyone went crazy... seriously, they hated it! It was like nails on a chalkboard. Along with myself and Peppermint, everyone boo-ed the song and was trying to get them to change it. Gimme more, gurl!Really Britney, bitch? I'm holding this against you!

GAGA 2011!!!

That's all!

Holding it Against Britney!

One of the first and only people to have her new single the day before it came out was Ryan Seacrest via Z100. I was stoked to finally listen to what she was throwing at us. It was said that this was going to be a major comeback for Britney. It was more like a setback and she wasn't throwing it at us, it was aimed for the dumpster behind a ghetto McDonald's where no one should ever find it.
So many Britney fans were disappointed when their excitement was crushed by her anti-dance track. It's at 133 bbm's which make it almost impossible to dance to unless you're cracked out of your mind at some circuit party. Of course, that really is the only way anyone may dance to this song. It's the "dancing under the influence" kind of thing.
Before Gaga recorded Telephone and released it on her album, she song was meant to go to Britney, but Brit and her producers turned it down. It's one of Lady Gaga's biggest hits and craziest videos. But through all of Gaga's success of 2010, Britney still made $2 million more than Gaga through her washed-up merchandise.
"Hold it Against Me" was orignally a demo for Ke$ha. I haven't heard the demo, but I guarantee you it sounds better; my friend's opinion shifted me in that direction. Ke$ha is a newbie still compared to Britney being in the game for over 10 years. If you know it's a floppable track then why would you take it from someone like Ke$ha woho could actually do something with it? That's just sad.
Last night I was at Peppermint's show at Barracuda and they played the song , as predicted. The second the song hit the crowd, everyone went crazy... seriously, they hated it! It was like nails on a chalkboard. Along with myself and Peppermint, everyone boo-ed the song and was trying to get them to change it. Gimme more, gurl!Really Britney, bitch? I'm holding this against you!

GAGA 2011!!!

That's all!

POP LIFE

Recently I was hired to work the door at G Lounge in Chelsea on Friday nights. A door person is hired for one or numerous reasons. I started on New Years Eve and was just being fun and smiling because it was a holiday, but my second week was slightly different!
My second week at the door I wore a beautiful black rabbit fur coat with a rat tail belt, shiny black tights, hooker heels, black and red stripes on my face; it was fabulous! DID I forget the glitter? OF COURSE THERE WAS GLITTER! Then I got to thinking that I was looking fierce then I feel like most people walking in the door should be dressed at least decently. They need to look good. They need style, and if they're a vistim then they need to find a tudor.
What's happening to going out and looking as if you just got out of the gym, or rolled out of bed and showing up to a club or bar in WAL-MART sweats? I talk to many of our "ancestors", the last generation, and everyone says that it was a day where everyone had fun getting dressed up in costumes or just to look great at a club, and if they didn't, they'd be turned away.
I have noticed this "epidemic" slowly growing in nightlife. I call it an epidemic because people need to get the point and educate themselves on the scene and they wouldn't get so angry when you turn them away for their wardrobe malfunction. There are tools, so fix it!
I agree that today people don't go out as much because of modern technology allowing guys to hookup off of mobile applications and/or internet "dating" sites, but say you do go out to a club with a mission to pick someone up- I certainly would NOT take someone home wearing sweats. I have been known to turn down a guy for tieing his shirt around his waist. He was gorgeous, but there was something about it that turned me off so much. We are in 2011 now people, get with it!
I like that Lady Gaga even focused on bringing back some of that club kid look. She is who she is, but it's not just on stage, it is now who she is. Some people don't want to get noticed like Gaga gets attention, but you can still go above and beyond in other ways to dress nicely so a door person can be nice. There is a reason why pretty people get to the front of the line and many free things. It's because we care to look good because it makes us feel good!
I've been studying things more and learning what to change about how I am working and I got a hold on what different crowds bring to the bar. I also take into consideration who is spending money, and who is sitting there all night and not buying drinks and who is there to have a good time. It's about time that "Veronica" starts to work that diva door slowly, but surely.

Here's to old school NYC NIGHTLIFE!!!
CHEERS!

That's all!

ps - My favorite moment at the door SO FAR is when two boyfriends walked in and two minutes later they walked out in an argument.
"I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU SLEPT WITH HIM!!!!"

*SLAP*

FOR A MOMENT IN TIME

The moment I start to believe anything, something changes my outlook and I look for the right answer again somewhere else. Most of the time I end up more confused because I need to know the truth, or believe that I know what the truth is. This time I am really stuck.

The guy that I like and want(ed) to go for says one thing, but then I see another. We got into the situation together. Being in it together means figuring it out together. I'm falling hard for someone that I know doesn't want me for a casual friends with benefits thing. The issue at hand remains that I feel more than friendship for him.

Mr. MACK-DADDY to me is behing a great body and endowment. He is a strength, warmth, and sensation. When I think about him I smile. When I see him I tingle. FINALLY, when he touches me I melt. The feeling I get throughout my mind and body is overwhelming.

Now, I just don't know how to express this to him or myself.

That's all!

SMITTEN LIKE A KITTEN

New York City is the heart of the world. There is not one thing that comes to mind that has happened in today's modern world that cannot happen in the "City that never sleeps." The same goes for love and relationships, especially in the depths of the gay scene here in Manhattan.
I have lived in the Big Apple for approximately eighteen months. Throughout those months I have used my experience of dating from my past to help my heart and mind see what is worth the risk. When you're in a small town, one settles, but in what some may call "the greatest city in the world," there are more options that one could imagine. I settled in a small town when I was younger. Then I opened my eyes to the men at the "center of the universe."
When I mentioned love being a risk, it is one of the biggest risks one can take in their life. Love is the emotion that creates happiness, pain and sadness, jealousy, fear, panic, anger, passion, lust, excitement. I guess one could call love a "gateway emotion." Love is the one thing that you can attempt to describe, but never can. It is a "situation" that everyone feels differently. It's a risk that the heart takes without you allowing it. The risk is letting yourself give in to it and hoping for the best, but expecting the worst. If it doesn't work then you have a little piece of you die, but if it succeeds and conquers then you have a romance that is unbreakable.
What if a relationship feels impenetrable, but you are being cheated on? From personal outlook on such matters, I have been the victim and enabler of unfaithfulness. I have the ability from knowing so many people to find out if someone is cheating on me. The scene is only so big until you realize it's a small world. How do these guys get away with infidelity? It's honestly a question I can't answer myself. Since when did adultery become the highway to happiness?
Dates are something I am well acquainted with. It seems that everytime I want to go on a date all that I have to do is send a text message to someone randomly in my phone. There's one problem; however, I tend to get more confused about what I'm truly desiring in a man, I see so much that I like in others, but not what's exactly compatible for me. I'm young, but have fallen in and out of love. I've had the best of sex yet the worst. I am expereienced.
After an attempt at my own life in December 2010, I opened my eyes for the first time in my life. I no longer want to waste my time on someone that isn't promising. I don't want to waste my time on jobs that won't boost my name or underpay me. That's why it's a little disappointing that when I finally find myself falling for someone that it sucks that he lives across the country. I feel in this instance that I really am Carrie and he is Big earlier on. The business man and the gal in NYC trying to make it and having love adn lust mixed. You know you're always going to lust after that one person. It's a connection that I feel deep. We can text and talk and see each other from time to time. I have even had signs- yes, I believe in signs. We aren't staying at expensive hotels or getting expensive dinners, but not stopping the passion. He has BIg's wandering eye, too. I will continue dating, but just like Carrie, I have found my Big. The end results may not be the sum of their ending, but maybe one day it could be. I refuse to think that it's not possible, but as a realist, I don't know if fantasy is going to help. No matter what happens, he is an amazing guy, genuine, and I will always be a really good friend.

That's all!

Crazy NEW YEAR weekend!

After a rough couple weeks a the end of 2010 I had a light shine on me. Yes, that's right! The season and last few days spent with Mack-Daddy! It has been great! EVERYTHING seems to be AWESOME!!!!!



Starting on Thursday, I met up with Brian to hang out for a while and ended up going to dinner with him and his friends at Caliente Cab on the East Side. There was this other guy there that was wicked cute and was really into M-D. I got kind of jealous and continued to drink margaritas like crazy on an empty stomach! We went to the closing party at Tabla where they had open bar so I continued kept on with the shinanigans. I ended up walking away from M-D and everyone else and went to Splash with Kevin. I've been hearing a lot about what happened the rest of the night and the stories are funny because I keep remember things from it! I said hi to Dougie Meyer 16 times and was being cunty to everyone.

Feeling apprehensive about seeing Brian on Friday early afternoon, I woke up and got ready to see my guy. We met outside of my apartment and we shared a kiss and discussed the previous night and another serious situation I had a few weeks previous. We stopped for coffee and went on our mission to find him high tops for later on for all the New Year festivities. We started with Diesel in both Union Square and Fifth Ave, but they didn't have the right size in any of the shoes he wanted. Then we went to Saks Fifth Ave and I talked him out of buying these GORGEOUS YSL kicks because of the nasty puddles and dance floors he was gonna be trekking through the puddles and snow and if he spent that kind of money on sneakers and ruined them, he would be smacking himself for buying them. Our last stop ended up being Aldo and he found his shoes. I am such a good gay.

We headed back to his friend's apartment in HK where we cuddled for a while and napped. I left around 7-7:30 to head home and get ready for my first night working the door at G Lounge. I got all dolled up and put on my heels and the fabulocity was overwhelming. When I got to G, Franco had a beautiful white fur coat for me to wear. I had my muscular legs out and got compliments left and right for something or other. The night went smoothly at G and I tore up that dancefloor until the lights came up. I actually met this attractive guy named John and we hung out and danced for a while, but before I could get his number or him mine, we lost each other in the crowd.

And to continue that madness, I simply reshowered and headed to Splash with Kevin to dancefrom 6-12noon!!! I was rocking it out and after realizing how tired I found myself sitting on the bar in a split for at least thirty minutes. These three cute guys kept coming up and touching me... not gonna lie, the attention was nice. Then Chico (overnight manager at the HOLLYWOOD DINER)showed up and I got him plastered to the point where I needed to walk him to a taxi to get home! That's what a good friend I am.

Does the madness end there? If you guessed no, then you are 110% correct. I went to the Oakroom at the Plaza Hotel for drinks with this really cute "straight" guy that I met at Splash! Being myself, I arrived at this bar in heels, drogy makeup and Gaga-esque shades. There was this lesbian with us that was way underdressed and not ready for an uppity place like this. We decided to ditch her.

Next stop was Pacha for Matinee. It was great music, but not as busy as I thought it may be. There was competition though with Victor Calderone at Roseland. Brian met me at Pacha and it was a little painful watching him makeout with other guys. I hung out with my friends and danced. I ended up leaving and he quickly followed and we headed to cuddle again. Truth is, Brian makes me smile and mel when he's around. I can't explain it, but the issue is he lives on the West Coast and that would never work! I have jobs coming up in LA that would help, but unless we were in the same city, we may not make it work. It just sucks honestly.

I left his friends apartment and got ready at my apartment to go to Splash again with Robert. We met Marto there with Diva and a few other people. My friend Anthony was in town and we drank and ended hanging out all night. My friend Danielle even showed! I missed her. DJ Yihan Yahel was spinning upstairs and had my friend Bruno and I dancing until 6AM.

There is so much that happened that I am leaving out, but I already have a novel written. It was a long weekend and I ended by passing out at 7:33AM

That's all!

OFF TO A NEW DECADE/ BEGINNING

A person should never wait for a new year to make things happen for themselves, but unfortunately people do put a date on things. Each day for me has become nothing short of a learning experience. 2010 is g0ne and 2011 is beginning. Now I have to make things happen.
Last year (not even a complete two days ago) was a long road and had some huge bumps, twists and turns. Everything is preparing me for the next step. I am on my waiting for the road to actually smooth out. With all the love, drama, smiling, crying, dancing, and things that shock everyone; I really grew to be ready for what this new decade may have to offer.
I started off 2010 with a job dancing at Splash, and was actually making VERY decent money. People turned their heads to me drinking because I am fun when I drink, for the most part. I started working the VIP rope and was the shot boy and working the door with wristbands and passing out flyers. I was a regular there and working 6 nights a week after I started working in store/ bathroom security. I finally Eventually, I started working at this scratch kitchen, Italian restaurant that is AMAZING called il Buco located just two blocks north of Houston Street. I was their reservationist, stuck in the cellar where the office was and it got very boring and long, so I went in search of a new job. I got hired at Cafeteria as a host. It was fun while it lasted, and quite honestly I wouldn't mind going back. Now, I'm working the door at G every Friday, gogo dancing here and there for certain parties, getting other gigs and they are loads of fun!
As far as my dream goes, I started finally dancing again over the summer with a performance at Dixon Place in the Lower East Side. My first performance went pretty well actually. I have had so many little jobs with Sherry Vine and Peppermint; such as, Sherry's three parody videos- "You're a Homo", "Make Me Moan", and "Firecrotch". I danced in 3 other music videos, was a featured extra in a film. I have definitely made my connections through these jobs. I have tons of things coming up soon too!

Everyone wants to know about the love life because it may just be the most interesting part of life, to say the least. At the beginning of the year I was single. At the end of January I started dating someone... I don't know if we should get into names, but he's a great friend, not so good with the dating side. We broke up the day after Valentine's Day. There was a little break between any other guys until I FINALLY started hanging out with this guy that I really liked for a while. The guy makes love... he doesn't just F*@k .. HE MAKES LOVE! He was so passionate, and at the time he wasn't ready for a boyfriend with summer quickly approaching. I was upset because I felt perfect with him. As the summer moved forward he began dating his roommate.
I have been on more dates to last me a lifetime! I dated many guys and had my fair share of sex in 2010. A few weeks before PRIDE I actually met who would come to prove now as someone who is actually very special. At first it was sexual attraction, then he moved and visits NYC from time to time and things suck because we do like each other. When reality sets in and you see that there is so much distance... we'll see what 2011 brings!
There are other guys in NYC that I have been dating and seeing, but none of them compare to how I feel when I'm around him. I just have to learn to control myself... There is one guy that I like that lives on the UES and I met him at Pieces during drag bingo,,, definitely sineibe that I like. All around though... I have my eyes set on one guy.

My goals are to start making more money, be successful in dance, meeting the man of my dreams, it's always the same for everyone... although, I want to get my name out there more! I want to be more well known. Different cities, states, countries. It's not naive, it could happen!

Happy New Year

That's all!