Titanic Heart

I often say that I want to find love, but I really mean that I want to find it again. I'm finding as I grow up more and more that love is not so easy to come by. The things I've experienced in my past are only memories, but that of a love that was forced to fizzle out; though, it did have a longer shelflife than a glass of coca cola. Over the last two years I have managed to stay in touch with my Aussie ex, Chris. He always said that when he travels on holiday or moves to NYC that he'd fight for me. That now hardly seems true because he is moving back with his new boyfriend. It's a weird situation that I'll have to overcome in time after seeing him again. He's the guy that made my understand. When I think about him my heart actually sinks and I get butterflies. Whenever I date someone, I compare them to him, even if I don't realize it. After a while I start losing interest because they're not him. No one has made me feel the way he made me feel. No one has kissed me and made me feel fireworks and like the ground disappeared and make me float in their arms. The romance was undeniably the real deal and unexpected. I'm now dating a fantastic guy, and it was great at first, but I'm finding that I'm a bit nervous with my ex moving here. It made my heart beat faster than a coke addicted slob's. I really like this guy. He treats me well and wants nothing but the best for me. He holds me tight, kisses me right. Why am I being so stubborn and not giving in to him? Is it really that hard for me to let go of my ex, the way that I thought I had? I would compare my heart to the Titanic: you can get bits and pieces of it, bring it to the surface, but when you don't have the ability to make it float, my ship of a heart, back to the top then I'm just a heart buried too far to feel love again. I don't know if any of that bullshit just made sense. I just know how I feel and I know I should open up to the guy I'm dating. I just find it hard to give anyone a chance. And I think I ruin relationships before they begin because I don't want to lose it again. I must say that I should live by this quote and be hopeful: "One's first love is perfect until one meets one's second love." I should also stop letting this city jade me further. That's all.

I'm Not In NYC Anymore, Homos.

Last year, I came out to Reno to dance in Reno Dance Company's 2011 Holiday Season Nutcracker. I originally got the job through my friend, Pedro, who ended causing more drama than humanly necessary. This year has already been way different, in such a good way. I am really excited for this season could bring. Before deciding if this were the right choice for this season, I had to first decide if I should take the opportunity or doing another show down south for 6 weeks. I was offered Anything Goes. Then I thought to myself, I am a professional dancer and the Nutcracker would be better for me. Reno is definitely a unique city, it's small, but actually quite comfortable when you know people. The "scene" is small, nothing but trolls. It is sure to be fun; though, if you're with the right group of people. I missed some of the fast food joints: Jack in the Box, Del Taco, Carl's JR, etc.. And I don't eat fast food. This year I am playing the Drosselmeyer and in the Arabian pas de deux. It's an honor to me to accept both roles and even to be in the Flower Corps. The cast for this production are all of my friends, some feel like family. They all treat me with respect, and all of them, I respect. I am learning everything that I need to learn in a timely manner, I couldn't be more excited! Before I left NYC, my friends and I got together on Election night at Therapy Bar on 52nd Street, also where some of us work. It was my going away party, and what a better way to celebrate than President Obama's VICTORY? From champagne, to vodka, tequila, and all the way to Jameson on the rocks, it was a night to remember. I should leave out the two platters of nachos that we devoured that night, too. Therapy has the best nachos in NYC!! My friends in NYC are so supportive, Jason and Shane especially, that they're coming in December to see me perform in the show. There may be a few others joining them, but I am happy to say that I have such great friends. It's hard to find them in a city so big like New York. And as always, we are sure to have a kiki out here. I just have to beware of my alcohol intake because of the mere six shows in a four day period that I have to perform. I guess a bottle of Advil and a case of Sugarfree Redbulls are in order. That's All!

It Pays Off *Remember, I'm honest*

I started performing at the J.A. Nugget on Saturday. We did a matinee and night performance. I am so happy that my friend Brian said he would come. It really is what made half of my weekend so BRILLIANT. The other half is all about Reno Dance Company.

Saturday Morning, I awoke after staying out until 4AM gambling and having fun. I went to the Showroom at the J.A. Nugget after spending time waking up and getting ready. I don't know why I decided to tire myself out, but I did. I was on time and ready to dance either way. We did our warm-up and I preset my costumes backstage for my quick change from Party Scene to Battle Scene. I ran to Starbucks with a few of the company members before the house opened and we chatted and such before getting dressed. Our Matinee turned out to be a pretty great show, but the audience was dead. My friend came to see the early show to show some support, so I quickly greeted him before heading to get dressed for our dinner break.

Candy, Sloan, Pedro and I hopped in Candy's car and we went back to South Reno to eat quick. I decided that I need a quick rinse in the shower, too. C'mon, Mack Daddy was coming to the performance that night... I had to be fresh. Brian is a good friend of mine that we used to have this amazing sexual chemistry and even just a strong connection. Unfortunately, he was late so we couldn't get coffee before the show. I just remember getting nervous, though. I wanted to say, "hi" before him seeing me dance. I didn't get the chance.

All of Act I I was anxious, I didn't know where he was sitting or anything. During Intermission is when I was texting him. I requested a picture from his seat facing the stage. He was right in the middle. I couldn't help not looking in that direction for the rest of the show. After an amazing show with an amazing, thunderous audience, I was ready to see him. I pretty much ran out into the audience. He had flowers and a hug and a big kiss on the lips. I love Mack Daddy. He's a sweet guy, but not relationship material.

I went and got dressed and my friend Donald and I went to meet Mack Daddy and his friend Kyle at the bar outside the Showroom. Mack Daddy ended up buying a drink for me and shots for all of my friends and me. Within twenty minutes, he met about half of the cast. It was sweet. Donald, being straight and cool, decided to come to a gay bar with us. Just on our way out, I was saying, "goodbye" to someone in the company that found it important to tell me that I was on thin ice... "Worry about yourself." I realized this one dancer is super miserable, or just not a nice person. She had no right to say ANYTHING of that nature to me. She fell on stage. I was holding my own and had plenty of compliments from random audience members. It was gratifying.

The four of us arrived at Five Star ready to drink more. I needed to let loose a little after staying in for about a month. I even pole danced in my underwear. Kyle, Mack Daddy's friend was a little on the insecure, jealous side. He said many things to me that flattered me, though. He told me that he wished he could be me. He thought that my life seemed so easy. It's not, but it was nice hearing that he admired my good energy, etc...

I promised Mack Daddy there would be no drama that night, and there wasn't. I had a blast! Donald had a blast, too! It was nice to see a familiar face, meet someone new, and bond with my cast member. I do have to say that it was nice getting the attention from Mack Daddy and his friend. It definitely boosted my confidence a lot. At least I know I am going down the right path to make it. If my friends see the determination, then I'm not alone!

That's All!

Yerington... Part I

Last weekend was our first round of performances for the Nutcracker. Reno Dance Company has been pretty good to me and for me. It has taken me time to get to know some of the people, but they're really cool. I still don't know some as well as I would like. Classes and rehearsals have been a progressive period in my life even as the short 8 week trip comes to a halt.

Have you ever seen the movies in the middle of nowhere? It looks like Area 51 or The Hills Have Eyes. That's what the trip looks like heading back and forth from Reno to Yerington. It's a desolate space with barely any life, or so it seems. The views are beautiful and air is calm. It's so calm that it's creepy. There are wild horses running along the open spaces in fields. It reassured me that no creepy cannibal people would be crawling out from behind rocks.

My new friend Danielle drove Dean (token black guy), Donald (token socially-awkward,awesome, straight guy) and I a 90 minute trip. Danielle is calm, quiet, and shy. I have learned that she can open up after talking to her for a while, though. I can tell she'd be crazy after a few (drinks). I loved how our conversation started with the trip out there, so open. Then we moved onto love, sex, and heartache. Then somehow, Donald and I move onto the topic of zombies.

Come to find out that DOnald and I have a slight passion for zombies. We discussed the topic for about 45 minutes; that's half of the trip. It was intense, getting into discussion of nuclear power plants,etc... Donald is the cool straight friend that is just so down-to-earth, just a really stand-up guy. Danielle gave us a few glances here and there for a while until she finally spoke up, "are you guys still talking about zombies?"

We pulled into Yerington. Were we in a ghost town? Yerington has about one traffic light, a grocery store, liquor store, McD's, motel, school, and a studio... I think the essentials and that's it. we went into the middle school there and headed to the gym where they have a stage in the back. within my first few moments we were outside of the gym for a cigarette. Of course, I think I was the only one smoking. It was a way to focus for me I guess... getting into my zone... Then Donald found a Nerf football in the dressing room (boys' locker room). We began tossing it back and forth and it quickly became our way of concetration, our warm-up. For some odd reason we couldn't stop laughing as if we smoked a whole pot plant.It was fun and a bonding moment. I just remember hitting our friend Tess in the chest with the ball, but only because she jumped in the way of a speeding Nerf throw.

After our dress rehearsal, I heard there was pizza and other food in the hall. I stuffed my face with six slices of pizza and a roasted chicken salad. And when we finished eating, time to find the motel. I was nervous we would get lost... NOPE! The hotel was right around the corner and on the main street that dragged through town. It was kind of weird looking, only a small town would have this motel. We got in our room, which was originally supposed to be Pedro, Brit, Thomas, and I. Two gays and two straights. It was an interesting combination. We all like to drink though, so that's where we started.

We went to the liquor store twice for wine. Three bottles of win between Brit, Pedro, and me. Thomas had his six pack of Coors Light to himself. Somehow we ended up locking ourselves out. Then Pedro remember there was another room. So we went in that room until we realized that all of our dance stuff was in that one locked room. There was no one at the desk until after we had to be at breakfast in the morning. Brit and I teamed up and after a few shots of him trying to use a card on the lock, I tried and got us into our room. Now we had two rooms and it was time for bed. Brit and I in one room, then Pedro and Thomas in the other.

For some reason Brit and I like to get drunk and have guy talks until 3 in the morning. Funny enough, we always have to get up at 6am. He's a really cool straight guy that reminds me of my friend Derek from back home. We have the same brotherly/friendly connection, too. So we talked a bit and it was time to go to bed...

That's All!

GOD HATEZ!!!

I have been in a fairly great mood all day, that was until now. Have you ever been victimized for being different? Have you ever had to hide who you are to keep yourself safe or even stay alive? It's time that prejudice, hate, bullying, segregation stops and acceptance begins.

I was on YouTube and Facebook a lot today. I even wrote two blogs on here. As I refreshed my news feed on Facebook, I was strongly disturbed when my friend posted a video, also being offended of this ignorant, ultra-religious man that posts videos on YouTube and his website www.Godhatezfags.com, www.facebook.com/godhatez etc... It's a sad, sad world that we still live in when people judge for God, for those of us that believe in God... God passes no judgment upon his creations. Being gay is the way we were born. I didn't wake up on the wrong side of the bed, not upset... but gay. I was like this since early childhood. I even had a crush on the Red Ranger (in gay porn now) and the lead guy from VR Troopers.

I have watched many heterosexual advocates, celebrities and even gay and lesbians fight against intolerance. Homophobes also hate against them. The problem with ignorance is that most of the time it occurs do to their parents or mis-educated and unaware of what homosexuality really is. I am happy loving a man. Being gay doesn't mean I am different because I enjoy sexual pleasure a different way. Maybe it's straight sex that is different or weird to me, and other gay and lesbian people. And guess what? We are still that, PEOPLE!!!!!!!

Since I was young I have been upfront and honest about who I am and what I believe in. I have grown and changed and learned and have had many experiences to make me see passed ignorance. I am a young adult that believes in equality and freedom of speech, but I am intolerant of intolerance. I can't stop it, only fight it. This fellow, God Hatez, has made me see just how closed-minded people can really be.

Throughout my 11 years being openly gay. I have dealt with homophobia in many ways. From threats, to violence, and beyond, we have all been through countless moments in our lives that have made us feel less than human. I breathe, I eat, I drink, I have all the same functions that a human being does. I am not an alien. Why do I end the opening sentence to this paragraph with, "openly gay?" Should we have to be closeted?

I have met many closeted gays lesbians that are terrified to come out of their closets that feel like the walls are closing in. Their families may not accept them, but remember there are always people that will. My strongest desire, though is to end homophobia from within the community. I dislike when masculine gay men are closeted or won't even talk to or look at someone because they are feminine. They are still gay, they are like you... maybe not masculine, but are at least open to your ideas, but it's not reciprocated.

God Hatez is just another punk that is insecure and making himself feel stronger and more powerful by joining a hateful cause. I wish that people would see that. My friend said that the religious nuts scare him, but why? They are like a wild animal that we are scared of, but we are taught that in most cases, the animal is scared of us. The idea that all of these advocates promoting discrimination are more like those wild animals. They hate because they don't understand. They may never understand, but as gays, we need to stand our ground. The world needs to change so that people like this hateful YouTube subcriber cannot be heard to spread a destructive tongue against the progress that has been made over even the past three years.

Does anyone want to join me for another campaign against hate?

A NEW WORLD is a BETTER WORLD.

That's All!

Bad Girls Or Bad Gays?

When I first arrived in Reno, I was scared that going out wouldn't be interesting enough for me. There's no place like NYC to me, and many would agree with me. I was around a group of new people with Reno Dance Company. I didn't know any gays other than my sister, Pedro. I was quick to learn that things could definitely get plenty interesting.

My first Friday in town the company was having a fundraiser in the form of a Wine Tasting. Pedro and I were ready to get crazy, New York City style. How else would we do it? As we were pouring little tastings for the event attendees, I would take a glass for myself. It was important that I knew which wines were good, right? I was partnered with this sweet Filipino girl named Abba. Lesa, the director, separated Pedro and I because she knew we'd get into trouble (FYI, Lesa's amazing). I met all of the company members that night and even made some new friends.

It started to grow closer to the time where Pedro and I were to head to Tronix, the popular gay place on Friday nights. We ran to the car and changed before leaving the country club. We were ready to party. As soon as we pulled into the back parking lot of Tronix, We popped a bottle of sparkling white wine from the tasting in the car as his friend Brit and his boyfriend joined in the backseat to chug before entering Club Tronix. Now, feeling more tipsy, it was was time to head in.

Natasia from Bad Girls Club was a special guest that night. Pedro, a major fan of the show was bouncing off the walls about this. We got drink tickets from the promoter named Brian. after those were gone, we had guys buying us drinks left and right. "sister, here's a shot of Jager," as Pedro ran to me with that dark, sweet, mind-shattering, wonderful bit of alcohol. We were drinking the night away.

Later that night, when Natasia finally made her appearance, Pedro was ECSTATIC. I was enjoying her plenty, too. I just remember him disappearing to the other side of the bar and I was going wild dancing. We ended up meeting this hott, muscular guy. Yeah, he smelled a little too "musky" for my liking, but he was hott... Then we found out the worst news of all, he was a FELLOW BOTTOM!!!! We were devastated. Like every go-go boy from NYC, past or present, we found ourselves in our underwear doing a team effort pole dance to "S&M" by Rihanna feat. Britney. I had got the DJ to clear the stage and announce us and the crowd went NUTS!!! Our bendy bodies around that pole like magnets, taking turns as I was Rihanna and he was Britney.

Maybe thirty minutes had passed and Natasia was back out signing autographs and taking pictures with her fans. Then it happened, I was pushed by a random bystander. I told him that I was waiting there in line to get a photo with her and Pedro, who was at the bar doing a shot. It turns out that this thin, piece-of-shit thought that he owned Reno. Quickly, I assured that I am a gay from NYC and he may want to not start a problem with me. Then his girl friend decided to get involved with a, "do you value life?" And then Pedro came back and got in their faces with me. He walked away for another minute. The kid and I suddenly were friendly. Pedro came back steaming and wondered what the fuck changed. Honestly, I don't remember, but funny enough the kid was underage and pulled a bottle of Goose out of his bag. I could only laugh! "yeah, you own Reno for sure kid!"

Oh Reno...

That's All!

How Did I Get Here?

Disastrous tendencies that have made me vulnerable have only made me stronger today. I have my shell, I have a barrier. I don't trust as easily. I don't make accusations. I can't be too serious about certain things or take people seriously until I know that what I see is real.

A lesson of late was reality. When things strike you all at once, as hard as they can, you are always in shock. Things that you thought were issues before become little nothings. When life throws you a flaming bag of dog shit to your front door, your first instinct is to put it out. Have you ever stepped back to see how it happened? You do put it out to prevent further problems, but understand that it could have been prevented. The prevention being your choices in any situation.

The situations I have put myself in can't be blamed on anyone else except for myself. I have learned to start taking responsibility for my actions. It takes time to organize where to place each situation with consequence, whether it be a good or bad one. The first step I am taking to change is looking at myself in the mirror every day when I have a few minutes. I am asking myself things like, "how did I get here?" After all of my questions and answers amongst this conversation with my reflection, I begin to see the good in me. I am a good person, I have a lot to be thankful for.

If life were to end at any moment, would I be satisfied with everything that I have done? My answer is, "no!" I have much to accomplish above my experiences thus far. I have much to learn and do. I have things to prove to myself. I can overcome all obstacles by myself and the help of those that lend that helping hand.

Last year at this time, I found myself in an emergency room. I know why I was there, thankful for being there. I made an attempt at my own life. It was me waking up into the light. "I'm not done, not ready to go." The thoughts slowly worked the gears in my mind to figure out how I was there. I look at it as a miracle to be opening my eyes and seeing my dear friend, RObert sitting there waiting for me to even make a sudden move.

I wasn't me in that very moment. I had demons that I kept dormant for time. The things from my past that haunted me erupted in a period of 48 hours. My anger, fear, uncertainty of life pushed me to make the wrong move. I needed to clear my head and make my own analysis of my 21 years of life. I honed in on my issues. I fought with myself mentally to discover that I wasn't as happy as I and many others thought I was. Just because someone appears to have it all, be happy, and/or be making their dreams come true... You could be wrong. Everyone was wrong with me. No one saw it coming.

I wonder how many people there were like me. People in NYC, young. Young adults wanting to make it, but instead filling their bodies with destruction and more uncertainty by clouding their minds with chemicals. There is something wrong with that picture to me. Everything that has happened to me is a result of my past, but because I chose to go down the wrong path.

Heading home to NYC in a few short weeks is an exciting adventure. I have much to do to make my dreams come true. I will make things happen. I will pursue my future and make myself proud, along with everyone around me.

Now, more than ever, I feel the fiery passion of life and my aspirations burning deeper within my heart and soul than I ever have. The warmth pressuring an eruption of epic magnitudes. This time it's for something good, something that will benefit me. Things aren't so bad, I just have more to come to terms with and learn. I'm ready to break free, make a whole new me. It's a revival of the old me mixed with more wisdom. Shield up, helmet on, sword faced forward. Screw love, life itself is a WAR and I'm pushing to the front of the enemy lines that are life. Each battle is a segment of life ready to be taken over. The war with reality is what I am faced with, therefore I will fight it until the very end. I'm ready... Reality fight me, I will win.

That's All!