I started performing at the J.A. Nugget on Saturday. We did a matinee and night performance. I am so happy that my friend Brian said he would come. It really is what made half of my weekend so BRILLIANT. The other half is all about Reno Dance Company.
Saturday Morning, I awoke after staying out until 4AM gambling and having fun. I went to the Showroom at the J.A. Nugget after spending time waking up and getting ready. I don't know why I decided to tire myself out, but I did. I was on time and ready to dance either way. We did our warm-up and I preset my costumes backstage for my quick change from Party Scene to Battle Scene. I ran to Starbucks with a few of the company members before the house opened and we chatted and such before getting dressed. Our Matinee turned out to be a pretty great show, but the audience was dead. My friend came to see the early show to show some support, so I quickly greeted him before heading to get dressed for our dinner break.
Candy, Sloan, Pedro and I hopped in Candy's car and we went back to South Reno to eat quick. I decided that I need a quick rinse in the shower, too. C'mon, Mack Daddy was coming to the performance that night... I had to be fresh. Brian is a good friend of mine that we used to have this amazing sexual chemistry and even just a strong connection. Unfortunately, he was late so we couldn't get coffee before the show. I just remember getting nervous, though. I wanted to say, "hi" before him seeing me dance. I didn't get the chance.
All of Act I I was anxious, I didn't know where he was sitting or anything. During Intermission is when I was texting him. I requested a picture from his seat facing the stage. He was right in the middle. I couldn't help not looking in that direction for the rest of the show. After an amazing show with an amazing, thunderous audience, I was ready to see him. I pretty much ran out into the audience. He had flowers and a hug and a big kiss on the lips. I love Mack Daddy. He's a sweet guy, but not relationship material.
I went and got dressed and my friend Donald and I went to meet Mack Daddy and his friend Kyle at the bar outside the Showroom. Mack Daddy ended up buying a drink for me and shots for all of my friends and me. Within twenty minutes, he met about half of the cast. It was sweet. Donald, being straight and cool, decided to come to a gay bar with us. Just on our way out, I was saying, "goodbye" to someone in the company that found it important to tell me that I was on thin ice... "Worry about yourself." I realized this one dancer is super miserable, or just not a nice person. She had no right to say ANYTHING of that nature to me. She fell on stage. I was holding my own and had plenty of compliments from random audience members. It was gratifying.
The four of us arrived at Five Star ready to drink more. I needed to let loose a little after staying in for about a month. I even pole danced in my underwear. Kyle, Mack Daddy's friend was a little on the insecure, jealous side. He said many things to me that flattered me, though. He told me that he wished he could be me. He thought that my life seemed so easy. It's not, but it was nice hearing that he admired my good energy, etc...
I promised Mack Daddy there would be no drama that night, and there wasn't. I had a blast! Donald had a blast, too! It was nice to see a familiar face, meet someone new, and bond with my cast member. I do have to say that it was nice getting the attention from Mack Daddy and his friend. It definitely boosted my confidence a lot. At least I know I am going down the right path to make it. If my friends see the determination, then I'm not alone!
That's All!
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Friday, December 16, 2011
Yerington... Part I
Last weekend was our first round of performances for the Nutcracker. Reno Dance Company has been pretty good to me and for me. It has taken me time to get to know some of the people, but they're really cool. I still don't know some as well as I would like. Classes and rehearsals have been a progressive period in my life even as the short 8 week trip comes to a halt.
Have you ever seen the movies in the middle of nowhere? It looks like Area 51 or The Hills Have Eyes. That's what the trip looks like heading back and forth from Reno to Yerington. It's a desolate space with barely any life, or so it seems. The views are beautiful and air is calm. It's so calm that it's creepy. There are wild horses running along the open spaces in fields. It reassured me that no creepy cannibal people would be crawling out from behind rocks.
My new friend Danielle drove Dean (token black guy), Donald (token socially-awkward,awesome, straight guy) and I a 90 minute trip. Danielle is calm, quiet, and shy. I have learned that she can open up after talking to her for a while, though. I can tell she'd be crazy after a few (drinks). I loved how our conversation started with the trip out there, so open. Then we moved onto love, sex, and heartache. Then somehow, Donald and I move onto the topic of zombies.
Come to find out that DOnald and I have a slight passion for zombies. We discussed the topic for about 45 minutes; that's half of the trip. It was intense, getting into discussion of nuclear power plants,etc... Donald is the cool straight friend that is just so down-to-earth, just a really stand-up guy. Danielle gave us a few glances here and there for a while until she finally spoke up, "are you guys still talking about zombies?"
We pulled into Yerington. Were we in a ghost town? Yerington has about one traffic light, a grocery store, liquor store, McD's, motel, school, and a studio... I think the essentials and that's it. we went into the middle school there and headed to the gym where they have a stage in the back. within my first few moments we were outside of the gym for a cigarette. Of course, I think I was the only one smoking. It was a way to focus for me I guess... getting into my zone... Then Donald found a Nerf football in the dressing room (boys' locker room). We began tossing it back and forth and it quickly became our way of concetration, our warm-up. For some odd reason we couldn't stop laughing as if we smoked a whole pot plant.It was fun and a bonding moment. I just remember hitting our friend Tess in the chest with the ball, but only because she jumped in the way of a speeding Nerf throw.
After our dress rehearsal, I heard there was pizza and other food in the hall. I stuffed my face with six slices of pizza and a roasted chicken salad. And when we finished eating, time to find the motel. I was nervous we would get lost... NOPE! The hotel was right around the corner and on the main street that dragged through town. It was kind of weird looking, only a small town would have this motel. We got in our room, which was originally supposed to be Pedro, Brit, Thomas, and I. Two gays and two straights. It was an interesting combination. We all like to drink though, so that's where we started.
We went to the liquor store twice for wine. Three bottles of win between Brit, Pedro, and me. Thomas had his six pack of Coors Light to himself. Somehow we ended up locking ourselves out. Then Pedro remember there was another room. So we went in that room until we realized that all of our dance stuff was in that one locked room. There was no one at the desk until after we had to be at breakfast in the morning. Brit and I teamed up and after a few shots of him trying to use a card on the lock, I tried and got us into our room. Now we had two rooms and it was time for bed. Brit and I in one room, then Pedro and Thomas in the other.
For some reason Brit and I like to get drunk and have guy talks until 3 in the morning. Funny enough, we always have to get up at 6am. He's a really cool straight guy that reminds me of my friend Derek from back home. We have the same brotherly/friendly connection, too. So we talked a bit and it was time to go to bed...
That's All!
Have you ever seen the movies in the middle of nowhere? It looks like Area 51 or The Hills Have Eyes. That's what the trip looks like heading back and forth from Reno to Yerington. It's a desolate space with barely any life, or so it seems. The views are beautiful and air is calm. It's so calm that it's creepy. There are wild horses running along the open spaces in fields. It reassured me that no creepy cannibal people would be crawling out from behind rocks.
My new friend Danielle drove Dean (token black guy), Donald (token socially-awkward,awesome, straight guy) and I a 90 minute trip. Danielle is calm, quiet, and shy. I have learned that she can open up after talking to her for a while, though. I can tell she'd be crazy after a few (drinks). I loved how our conversation started with the trip out there, so open. Then we moved onto love, sex, and heartache. Then somehow, Donald and I move onto the topic of zombies.
Come to find out that DOnald and I have a slight passion for zombies. We discussed the topic for about 45 minutes; that's half of the trip. It was intense, getting into discussion of nuclear power plants,etc... Donald is the cool straight friend that is just so down-to-earth, just a really stand-up guy. Danielle gave us a few glances here and there for a while until she finally spoke up, "are you guys still talking about zombies?"
We pulled into Yerington. Were we in a ghost town? Yerington has about one traffic light, a grocery store, liquor store, McD's, motel, school, and a studio... I think the essentials and that's it. we went into the middle school there and headed to the gym where they have a stage in the back. within my first few moments we were outside of the gym for a cigarette. Of course, I think I was the only one smoking. It was a way to focus for me I guess... getting into my zone... Then Donald found a Nerf football in the dressing room (boys' locker room). We began tossing it back and forth and it quickly became our way of concetration, our warm-up. For some odd reason we couldn't stop laughing as if we smoked a whole pot plant.It was fun and a bonding moment. I just remember hitting our friend Tess in the chest with the ball, but only because she jumped in the way of a speeding Nerf throw.
After our dress rehearsal, I heard there was pizza and other food in the hall. I stuffed my face with six slices of pizza and a roasted chicken salad. And when we finished eating, time to find the motel. I was nervous we would get lost... NOPE! The hotel was right around the corner and on the main street that dragged through town. It was kind of weird looking, only a small town would have this motel. We got in our room, which was originally supposed to be Pedro, Brit, Thomas, and I. Two gays and two straights. It was an interesting combination. We all like to drink though, so that's where we started.
We went to the liquor store twice for wine. Three bottles of win between Brit, Pedro, and me. Thomas had his six pack of Coors Light to himself. Somehow we ended up locking ourselves out. Then Pedro remember there was another room. So we went in that room until we realized that all of our dance stuff was in that one locked room. There was no one at the desk until after we had to be at breakfast in the morning. Brit and I teamed up and after a few shots of him trying to use a card on the lock, I tried and got us into our room. Now we had two rooms and it was time for bed. Brit and I in one room, then Pedro and Thomas in the other.
For some reason Brit and I like to get drunk and have guy talks until 3 in the morning. Funny enough, we always have to get up at 6am. He's a really cool straight guy that reminds me of my friend Derek from back home. We have the same brotherly/friendly connection, too. So we talked a bit and it was time to go to bed...
That's All!
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
GOD HATEZ!!!
I have been in a fairly great mood all day, that was until now. Have you ever been victimized for being different? Have you ever had to hide who you are to keep yourself safe or even stay alive? It's time that prejudice, hate, bullying, segregation stops and acceptance begins.
I was on YouTube and Facebook a lot today. I even wrote two blogs on here. As I refreshed my news feed on Facebook, I was strongly disturbed when my friend posted a video, also being offended of this ignorant, ultra-religious man that posts videos on YouTube and his website www.Godhatezfags.com, www.facebook.com/godhatez etc... It's a sad, sad world that we still live in when people judge for God, for those of us that believe in God... God passes no judgment upon his creations. Being gay is the way we were born. I didn't wake up on the wrong side of the bed, not upset... but gay. I was like this since early childhood. I even had a crush on the Red Ranger (in gay porn now) and the lead guy from VR Troopers.
I have watched many heterosexual advocates, celebrities and even gay and lesbians fight against intolerance. Homophobes also hate against them. The problem with ignorance is that most of the time it occurs do to their parents or mis-educated and unaware of what homosexuality really is. I am happy loving a man. Being gay doesn't mean I am different because I enjoy sexual pleasure a different way. Maybe it's straight sex that is different or weird to me, and other gay and lesbian people. And guess what? We are still that, PEOPLE!!!!!!!
Since I was young I have been upfront and honest about who I am and what I believe in. I have grown and changed and learned and have had many experiences to make me see passed ignorance. I am a young adult that believes in equality and freedom of speech, but I am intolerant of intolerance. I can't stop it, only fight it. This fellow, God Hatez, has made me see just how closed-minded people can really be.
Throughout my 11 years being openly gay. I have dealt with homophobia in many ways. From threats, to violence, and beyond, we have all been through countless moments in our lives that have made us feel less than human. I breathe, I eat, I drink, I have all the same functions that a human being does. I am not an alien. Why do I end the opening sentence to this paragraph with, "openly gay?" Should we have to be closeted?
I have met many closeted gays lesbians that are terrified to come out of their closets that feel like the walls are closing in. Their families may not accept them, but remember there are always people that will. My strongest desire, though is to end homophobia from within the community. I dislike when masculine gay men are closeted or won't even talk to or look at someone because they are feminine. They are still gay, they are like you... maybe not masculine, but are at least open to your ideas, but it's not reciprocated.
God Hatez is just another punk that is insecure and making himself feel stronger and more powerful by joining a hateful cause. I wish that people would see that. My friend said that the religious nuts scare him, but why? They are like a wild animal that we are scared of, but we are taught that in most cases, the animal is scared of us. The idea that all of these advocates promoting discrimination are more like those wild animals. They hate because they don't understand. They may never understand, but as gays, we need to stand our ground. The world needs to change so that people like this hateful YouTube subcriber cannot be heard to spread a destructive tongue against the progress that has been made over even the past three years.
Does anyone want to join me for another campaign against hate?
A NEW WORLD is a BETTER WORLD.
That's All!
I was on YouTube and Facebook a lot today. I even wrote two blogs on here. As I refreshed my news feed on Facebook, I was strongly disturbed when my friend posted a video, also being offended of this ignorant, ultra-religious man that posts videos on YouTube and his website www.Godhatezfags.com, www.facebook.com/godhatez etc... It's a sad, sad world that we still live in when people judge for God, for those of us that believe in God... God passes no judgment upon his creations. Being gay is the way we were born. I didn't wake up on the wrong side of the bed, not upset... but gay. I was like this since early childhood. I even had a crush on the Red Ranger (in gay porn now) and the lead guy from VR Troopers.
I have watched many heterosexual advocates, celebrities and even gay and lesbians fight against intolerance. Homophobes also hate against them. The problem with ignorance is that most of the time it occurs do to their parents or mis-educated and unaware of what homosexuality really is. I am happy loving a man. Being gay doesn't mean I am different because I enjoy sexual pleasure a different way. Maybe it's straight sex that is different or weird to me, and other gay and lesbian people. And guess what? We are still that, PEOPLE!!!!!!!
Since I was young I have been upfront and honest about who I am and what I believe in. I have grown and changed and learned and have had many experiences to make me see passed ignorance. I am a young adult that believes in equality and freedom of speech, but I am intolerant of intolerance. I can't stop it, only fight it. This fellow, God Hatez, has made me see just how closed-minded people can really be.
Throughout my 11 years being openly gay. I have dealt with homophobia in many ways. From threats, to violence, and beyond, we have all been through countless moments in our lives that have made us feel less than human. I breathe, I eat, I drink, I have all the same functions that a human being does. I am not an alien. Why do I end the opening sentence to this paragraph with, "openly gay?" Should we have to be closeted?
I have met many closeted gays lesbians that are terrified to come out of their closets that feel like the walls are closing in. Their families may not accept them, but remember there are always people that will. My strongest desire, though is to end homophobia from within the community. I dislike when masculine gay men are closeted or won't even talk to or look at someone because they are feminine. They are still gay, they are like you... maybe not masculine, but are at least open to your ideas, but it's not reciprocated.
God Hatez is just another punk that is insecure and making himself feel stronger and more powerful by joining a hateful cause. I wish that people would see that. My friend said that the religious nuts scare him, but why? They are like a wild animal that we are scared of, but we are taught that in most cases, the animal is scared of us. The idea that all of these advocates promoting discrimination are more like those wild animals. They hate because they don't understand. They may never understand, but as gays, we need to stand our ground. The world needs to change so that people like this hateful YouTube subcriber cannot be heard to spread a destructive tongue against the progress that has been made over even the past three years.
Does anyone want to join me for another campaign against hate?
A NEW WORLD is a BETTER WORLD.
That's All!
Bad Girls Or Bad Gays?
When I first arrived in Reno, I was scared that going out wouldn't be interesting enough for me. There's no place like NYC to me, and many would agree with me. I was around a group of new people with Reno Dance Company. I didn't know any gays other than my sister, Pedro. I was quick to learn that things could definitely get plenty interesting.
My first Friday in town the company was having a fundraiser in the form of a Wine Tasting. Pedro and I were ready to get crazy, New York City style. How else would we do it? As we were pouring little tastings for the event attendees, I would take a glass for myself. It was important that I knew which wines were good, right? I was partnered with this sweet Filipino girl named Abba. Lesa, the director, separated Pedro and I because she knew we'd get into trouble (FYI, Lesa's amazing). I met all of the company members that night and even made some new friends.
It started to grow closer to the time where Pedro and I were to head to Tronix, the popular gay place on Friday nights. We ran to the car and changed before leaving the country club. We were ready to party. As soon as we pulled into the back parking lot of Tronix, We popped a bottle of sparkling white wine from the tasting in the car as his friend Brit and his boyfriend joined in the backseat to chug before entering Club Tronix. Now, feeling more tipsy, it was was time to head in.
Natasia from Bad Girls Club was a special guest that night. Pedro, a major fan of the show was bouncing off the walls about this. We got drink tickets from the promoter named Brian. after those were gone, we had guys buying us drinks left and right. "sister, here's a shot of Jager," as Pedro ran to me with that dark, sweet, mind-shattering, wonderful bit of alcohol. We were drinking the night away.
Later that night, when Natasia finally made her appearance, Pedro was ECSTATIC. I was enjoying her plenty, too. I just remember him disappearing to the other side of the bar and I was going wild dancing. We ended up meeting this hott, muscular guy. Yeah, he smelled a little too "musky" for my liking, but he was hott... Then we found out the worst news of all, he was a FELLOW BOTTOM!!!! We were devastated. Like every go-go boy from NYC, past or present, we found ourselves in our underwear doing a team effort pole dance to "S&M" by Rihanna feat. Britney. I had got the DJ to clear the stage and announce us and the crowd went NUTS!!! Our bendy bodies around that pole like magnets, taking turns as I was Rihanna and he was Britney.
Maybe thirty minutes had passed and Natasia was back out signing autographs and taking pictures with her fans. Then it happened, I was pushed by a random bystander. I told him that I was waiting there in line to get a photo with her and Pedro, who was at the bar doing a shot. It turns out that this thin, piece-of-shit thought that he owned Reno. Quickly, I assured that I am a gay from NYC and he may want to not start a problem with me. Then his girl friend decided to get involved with a, "do you value life?" And then Pedro came back and got in their faces with me. He walked away for another minute. The kid and I suddenly were friendly. Pedro came back steaming and wondered what the fuck changed. Honestly, I don't remember, but funny enough the kid was underage and pulled a bottle of Goose out of his bag. I could only laugh! "yeah, you own Reno for sure kid!"
Oh Reno...
That's All!
My first Friday in town the company was having a fundraiser in the form of a Wine Tasting. Pedro and I were ready to get crazy, New York City style. How else would we do it? As we were pouring little tastings for the event attendees, I would take a glass for myself. It was important that I knew which wines were good, right? I was partnered with this sweet Filipino girl named Abba. Lesa, the director, separated Pedro and I because she knew we'd get into trouble (FYI, Lesa's amazing). I met all of the company members that night and even made some new friends.
It started to grow closer to the time where Pedro and I were to head to Tronix, the popular gay place on Friday nights. We ran to the car and changed before leaving the country club. We were ready to party. As soon as we pulled into the back parking lot of Tronix, We popped a bottle of sparkling white wine from the tasting in the car as his friend Brit and his boyfriend joined in the backseat to chug before entering Club Tronix. Now, feeling more tipsy, it was was time to head in.
Natasia from Bad Girls Club was a special guest that night. Pedro, a major fan of the show was bouncing off the walls about this. We got drink tickets from the promoter named Brian. after those were gone, we had guys buying us drinks left and right. "sister, here's a shot of Jager," as Pedro ran to me with that dark, sweet, mind-shattering, wonderful bit of alcohol. We were drinking the night away.
Later that night, when Natasia finally made her appearance, Pedro was ECSTATIC. I was enjoying her plenty, too. I just remember him disappearing to the other side of the bar and I was going wild dancing. We ended up meeting this hott, muscular guy. Yeah, he smelled a little too "musky" for my liking, but he was hott... Then we found out the worst news of all, he was a FELLOW BOTTOM!!!! We were devastated. Like every go-go boy from NYC, past or present, we found ourselves in our underwear doing a team effort pole dance to "S&M" by Rihanna feat. Britney. I had got the DJ to clear the stage and announce us and the crowd went NUTS!!! Our bendy bodies around that pole like magnets, taking turns as I was Rihanna and he was Britney.
Maybe thirty minutes had passed and Natasia was back out signing autographs and taking pictures with her fans. Then it happened, I was pushed by a random bystander. I told him that I was waiting there in line to get a photo with her and Pedro, who was at the bar doing a shot. It turns out that this thin, piece-of-shit thought that he owned Reno. Quickly, I assured that I am a gay from NYC and he may want to not start a problem with me. Then his girl friend decided to get involved with a, "do you value life?" And then Pedro came back and got in their faces with me. He walked away for another minute. The kid and I suddenly were friendly. Pedro came back steaming and wondered what the fuck changed. Honestly, I don't remember, but funny enough the kid was underage and pulled a bottle of Goose out of his bag. I could only laugh! "yeah, you own Reno for sure kid!"
Oh Reno...
That's All!
How Did I Get Here?
Disastrous tendencies that have made me vulnerable have only made me stronger today. I have my shell, I have a barrier. I don't trust as easily. I don't make accusations. I can't be too serious about certain things or take people seriously until I know that what I see is real.
A lesson of late was reality. When things strike you all at once, as hard as they can, you are always in shock. Things that you thought were issues before become little nothings. When life throws you a flaming bag of dog shit to your front door, your first instinct is to put it out. Have you ever stepped back to see how it happened? You do put it out to prevent further problems, but understand that it could have been prevented. The prevention being your choices in any situation.
The situations I have put myself in can't be blamed on anyone else except for myself. I have learned to start taking responsibility for my actions. It takes time to organize where to place each situation with consequence, whether it be a good or bad one. The first step I am taking to change is looking at myself in the mirror every day when I have a few minutes. I am asking myself things like, "how did I get here?" After all of my questions and answers amongst this conversation with my reflection, I begin to see the good in me. I am a good person, I have a lot to be thankful for.
If life were to end at any moment, would I be satisfied with everything that I have done? My answer is, "no!" I have much to accomplish above my experiences thus far. I have much to learn and do. I have things to prove to myself. I can overcome all obstacles by myself and the help of those that lend that helping hand.
Last year at this time, I found myself in an emergency room. I know why I was there, thankful for being there. I made an attempt at my own life. It was me waking up into the light. "I'm not done, not ready to go." The thoughts slowly worked the gears in my mind to figure out how I was there. I look at it as a miracle to be opening my eyes and seeing my dear friend, RObert sitting there waiting for me to even make a sudden move.
I wasn't me in that very moment. I had demons that I kept dormant for time. The things from my past that haunted me erupted in a period of 48 hours. My anger, fear, uncertainty of life pushed me to make the wrong move. I needed to clear my head and make my own analysis of my 21 years of life. I honed in on my issues. I fought with myself mentally to discover that I wasn't as happy as I and many others thought I was. Just because someone appears to have it all, be happy, and/or be making their dreams come true... You could be wrong. Everyone was wrong with me. No one saw it coming.
I wonder how many people there were like me. People in NYC, young. Young adults wanting to make it, but instead filling their bodies with destruction and more uncertainty by clouding their minds with chemicals. There is something wrong with that picture to me. Everything that has happened to me is a result of my past, but because I chose to go down the wrong path.
Heading home to NYC in a few short weeks is an exciting adventure. I have much to do to make my dreams come true. I will make things happen. I will pursue my future and make myself proud, along with everyone around me.
Now, more than ever, I feel the fiery passion of life and my aspirations burning deeper within my heart and soul than I ever have. The warmth pressuring an eruption of epic magnitudes. This time it's for something good, something that will benefit me. Things aren't so bad, I just have more to come to terms with and learn. I'm ready to break free, make a whole new me. It's a revival of the old me mixed with more wisdom. Shield up, helmet on, sword faced forward. Screw love, life itself is a WAR and I'm pushing to the front of the enemy lines that are life. Each battle is a segment of life ready to be taken over. The war with reality is what I am faced with, therefore I will fight it until the very end. I'm ready... Reality fight me, I will win.
That's All!
A lesson of late was reality. When things strike you all at once, as hard as they can, you are always in shock. Things that you thought were issues before become little nothings. When life throws you a flaming bag of dog shit to your front door, your first instinct is to put it out. Have you ever stepped back to see how it happened? You do put it out to prevent further problems, but understand that it could have been prevented. The prevention being your choices in any situation.
The situations I have put myself in can't be blamed on anyone else except for myself. I have learned to start taking responsibility for my actions. It takes time to organize where to place each situation with consequence, whether it be a good or bad one. The first step I am taking to change is looking at myself in the mirror every day when I have a few minutes. I am asking myself things like, "how did I get here?" After all of my questions and answers amongst this conversation with my reflection, I begin to see the good in me. I am a good person, I have a lot to be thankful for.
If life were to end at any moment, would I be satisfied with everything that I have done? My answer is, "no!" I have much to accomplish above my experiences thus far. I have much to learn and do. I have things to prove to myself. I can overcome all obstacles by myself and the help of those that lend that helping hand.
Last year at this time, I found myself in an emergency room. I know why I was there, thankful for being there. I made an attempt at my own life. It was me waking up into the light. "I'm not done, not ready to go." The thoughts slowly worked the gears in my mind to figure out how I was there. I look at it as a miracle to be opening my eyes and seeing my dear friend, RObert sitting there waiting for me to even make a sudden move.
I wasn't me in that very moment. I had demons that I kept dormant for time. The things from my past that haunted me erupted in a period of 48 hours. My anger, fear, uncertainty of life pushed me to make the wrong move. I needed to clear my head and make my own analysis of my 21 years of life. I honed in on my issues. I fought with myself mentally to discover that I wasn't as happy as I and many others thought I was. Just because someone appears to have it all, be happy, and/or be making their dreams come true... You could be wrong. Everyone was wrong with me. No one saw it coming.
I wonder how many people there were like me. People in NYC, young. Young adults wanting to make it, but instead filling their bodies with destruction and more uncertainty by clouding their minds with chemicals. There is something wrong with that picture to me. Everything that has happened to me is a result of my past, but because I chose to go down the wrong path.
Heading home to NYC in a few short weeks is an exciting adventure. I have much to do to make my dreams come true. I will make things happen. I will pursue my future and make myself proud, along with everyone around me.
Now, more than ever, I feel the fiery passion of life and my aspirations burning deeper within my heart and soul than I ever have. The warmth pressuring an eruption of epic magnitudes. This time it's for something good, something that will benefit me. Things aren't so bad, I just have more to come to terms with and learn. I'm ready to break free, make a whole new me. It's a revival of the old me mixed with more wisdom. Shield up, helmet on, sword faced forward. Screw love, life itself is a WAR and I'm pushing to the front of the enemy lines that are life. Each battle is a segment of life ready to be taken over. The war with reality is what I am faced with, therefore I will fight it until the very end. I'm ready... Reality fight me, I will win.
That's All!
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Having Faith in Myself
During my stay in Reno, I have learned many new things about myself and the potential that I have to move forward. I have often lost all confidence after walking into an audition and lost faith in myself. I often ask myself, "why?"
I feel like I lost myself a little, or a lot, over the past few years living in NYC. Reno may have been the one thing I needed all along to put things into perspective for me. People live their lives and put things off as an under-emphasis and fall far behind while trying to become something. I don't want to be that person with dreams that turn my life into a nightmare.
This past Sunday I decided to go to church with Candy, my "house mom." She has been a joy to stay with and to be around. She is full of good energy. I woke up and decided I wanted the extra guidance. We drove to church and an anxiety started building inside me, like a flame that only the light could put out. As we pulled in, I began to get excited in a sense. I want change, therefore I was making one.
I walked through the doors, terrified that I may burst into flame, not because I am gay, but because my life has been so uncertain. What would my next step be? There was no lightning bolt that struck from the clear sky because I was sure to be damned. I walked in and felt nervous, but my mind quickly cleared. I opened myself up to interpret anything and everything.
At the Sparks Christian Fellowship, they are open and non-judgmental. As soon as I walked in and got my seat in this concert hall of a church, I was rushed with emotions in the live Christian Rock that was playing. My eyes welled up with tears and I realized how much I was missing in my life because of how jaded I have become. From family to NYC, things have been so fucked up in my young age and only I could change it. I am not the most religious person, but it felt good. It's been giving me the courage and confidence so far this week to do something and make myself work with diligence to progress to a higher level. I lost it somewhere on my path. Maybe it was a side path that looked like the better direction, somehow looking easier. I was wrong.
As my trip to Reno rapidly comes to a close with one weekend of performances out of the way, I realize just how badly I would like to make it BIG. I want to be someone that everyone knows. Here's the thing, I don't want to just be known for a nightlife socialite or club good. I want to be an advocate, I want to be major. I feel if I stay with this mindset and discontinue the partying every night, I will be less self-destructive to my own self. "To thine own self, be true!"
That's All!
I feel like I lost myself a little, or a lot, over the past few years living in NYC. Reno may have been the one thing I needed all along to put things into perspective for me. People live their lives and put things off as an under-emphasis and fall far behind while trying to become something. I don't want to be that person with dreams that turn my life into a nightmare.
This past Sunday I decided to go to church with Candy, my "house mom." She has been a joy to stay with and to be around. She is full of good energy. I woke up and decided I wanted the extra guidance. We drove to church and an anxiety started building inside me, like a flame that only the light could put out. As we pulled in, I began to get excited in a sense. I want change, therefore I was making one.
I walked through the doors, terrified that I may burst into flame, not because I am gay, but because my life has been so uncertain. What would my next step be? There was no lightning bolt that struck from the clear sky because I was sure to be damned. I walked in and felt nervous, but my mind quickly cleared. I opened myself up to interpret anything and everything.
At the Sparks Christian Fellowship, they are open and non-judgmental. As soon as I walked in and got my seat in this concert hall of a church, I was rushed with emotions in the live Christian Rock that was playing. My eyes welled up with tears and I realized how much I was missing in my life because of how jaded I have become. From family to NYC, things have been so fucked up in my young age and only I could change it. I am not the most religious person, but it felt good. It's been giving me the courage and confidence so far this week to do something and make myself work with diligence to progress to a higher level. I lost it somewhere on my path. Maybe it was a side path that looked like the better direction, somehow looking easier. I was wrong.
As my trip to Reno rapidly comes to a close with one weekend of performances out of the way, I realize just how badly I would like to make it BIG. I want to be someone that everyone knows. Here's the thing, I don't want to just be known for a nightlife socialite or club good. I want to be an advocate, I want to be major. I feel if I stay with this mindset and discontinue the partying every night, I will be less self-destructive to my own self. "To thine own self, be true!"
That's All!
Friday, December 9, 2011
The Dancing Type
I sat at the computer for about twenty minutes, staring at the screen. To me this is a blank canvas for me to type out my thoughts and vent, release. It's enjoyable and something that I can say that I love to do. Writing is just another form of me dancing.
I sit here tapping my fingers to my own beat about clubbing, love, pop culture, etc... but one thing that I always think is that my thoughts are dancing around my head and I am not sure what move I should do next. The improvisation gliding along the surface of my brain like swans to an orchestra.
This blog is my journal as is a stage. For many that don't know me or think they know me, I am a deep person. The ocean that I swim is bottomless. No one ever knows what I am really thinking, and when they try to guess... they'll be wrong every time. I have had people call me "mysterious," but the funny thing is, I lay it all out there... If someone wants to know something about me, I tell them. I am an open book and I prefer honesty above deception.
When I see myself dancing, I am usually writing or dreaming. The writing is also away of expressing my dreams and aspirations before doing them. I want to document my life in such a way that people can get to know me better. They can dance with me. The exciting parts are the hip hop, jazz, and tango parts; as for slow and dramatic, I would choose contemporary-lyrical. My mood usually goes into my dancing, and my writing is about that mood. Laying it out for all to know just how vulnerable I really am.
Have you ever looked at me and thought to yourself, "Who is this guy?" I know I have. I do it every time I look into the mirror. The reflection is someone I recognize, but not always someone I take pride in or even judge. The person is someone I am forced to look at every day, so I write these things down to keep me sane. I dance these emotions out to be loved by myself. The reflection will never change no matter how badly I would like it to. I live with that person staring back at me because he judges me. I get nervous and anxious that he is not proud of me. I go into depths to see what it is he sees.
This may sounds crazy or bipolar, which I get... but it's not... it's a reality that some of us face. Are we happy with our reflection physically and mentally? Is that person in the mirror staring back laughing at or applauding us. If we are not happy with ourselves, then how can we be happy with anything? I am dancing on the keyboard trying to figure out what it is that I am trying to say. The words are being typed as my brain processes more thoughts.
When I see myself in the studio, the mirrors from wall-to-wall, there's no escaping my reflection. I can't run away. I have to face myself. I see myself not pushing myself, I know I can do better... The other me is telling me so. It's just that reflection that makes me get it right. Just like my brain gets these words right.
My expressive side is pretty fucked up. I can say what I am thinking and people understand most of the time. Once again, I am the only one that gets me. I continue to type, but I need to push more out. Getting people to understand you is hard work, just like getting the steps to a choreographed piece.
ok, but seriously... I just went into a place of my brain that I didn't know I had. Going back there...
Dancing and writing are both movements for me. They are things that help me release and be me, see me, change me, improve me. I take it as a gift of expression, a talent that makes me strong with every move and tap. My reflection is my spell check, as my spell check is my technique and will to get every move right. Both strengthen my will to get better and make my heart more fond, day-by-day, of this art that consumes me.
My passion is how I know that I will make it.
That's All!
I sit here tapping my fingers to my own beat about clubbing, love, pop culture, etc... but one thing that I always think is that my thoughts are dancing around my head and I am not sure what move I should do next. The improvisation gliding along the surface of my brain like swans to an orchestra.
This blog is my journal as is a stage. For many that don't know me or think they know me, I am a deep person. The ocean that I swim is bottomless. No one ever knows what I am really thinking, and when they try to guess... they'll be wrong every time. I have had people call me "mysterious," but the funny thing is, I lay it all out there... If someone wants to know something about me, I tell them. I am an open book and I prefer honesty above deception.
When I see myself dancing, I am usually writing or dreaming. The writing is also away of expressing my dreams and aspirations before doing them. I want to document my life in such a way that people can get to know me better. They can dance with me. The exciting parts are the hip hop, jazz, and tango parts; as for slow and dramatic, I would choose contemporary-lyrical. My mood usually goes into my dancing, and my writing is about that mood. Laying it out for all to know just how vulnerable I really am.
Have you ever looked at me and thought to yourself, "Who is this guy?" I know I have. I do it every time I look into the mirror. The reflection is someone I recognize, but not always someone I take pride in or even judge. The person is someone I am forced to look at every day, so I write these things down to keep me sane. I dance these emotions out to be loved by myself. The reflection will never change no matter how badly I would like it to. I live with that person staring back at me because he judges me. I get nervous and anxious that he is not proud of me. I go into depths to see what it is he sees.
This may sounds crazy or bipolar, which I get... but it's not... it's a reality that some of us face. Are we happy with our reflection physically and mentally? Is that person in the mirror staring back laughing at or applauding us. If we are not happy with ourselves, then how can we be happy with anything? I am dancing on the keyboard trying to figure out what it is that I am trying to say. The words are being typed as my brain processes more thoughts.
When I see myself in the studio, the mirrors from wall-to-wall, there's no escaping my reflection. I can't run away. I have to face myself. I see myself not pushing myself, I know I can do better... The other me is telling me so. It's just that reflection that makes me get it right. Just like my brain gets these words right.
My expressive side is pretty fucked up. I can say what I am thinking and people understand most of the time. Once again, I am the only one that gets me. I continue to type, but I need to push more out. Getting people to understand you is hard work, just like getting the steps to a choreographed piece.
ok, but seriously... I just went into a place of my brain that I didn't know I had. Going back there...
Dancing and writing are both movements for me. They are things that help me release and be me, see me, change me, improve me. I take it as a gift of expression, a talent that makes me strong with every move and tap. My reflection is my spell check, as my spell check is my technique and will to get every move right. Both strengthen my will to get better and make my heart more fond, day-by-day, of this art that consumes me.
My passion is how I know that I will make it.
That's All!
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
The Chronicles of Grindr: The Top, The Bottom, and Prude One.
As the end of 2011 approaches and 2012 sneaking up on us, I finally realize how technology and dating has really changed. As gay men, we no longer have to head out to a club or bar to find that man to take home or search endlessly for our future husband. Grindr does that for us.
I have been called the Grindr Queen, addicted to the app... even found my true (technically) off of this wonderful outlet for our gay renaissance of sorts. I remember first getting my iPhone right around my 21st Birthday. I remember it being one of my first downloaded apps. I got it before texting anyone.
I still feel the overwhelming rush of excitement, "wow, you're sexy... new to the area?" The funny part is that I wasn't new at all, I just downloaded a new app, I had a new way to get in touch with people. I quickly found myself going on dates, even having people meet me at my parties and promoting through this awesome outlet that seemed endless. Like the gay GPS, it scans your area for local gays, helping you find an instant hookup or chatting buddy to pass the time.
I have many experiences through Grindr, that I can reveal now more so than I could before. I remember my very first hookup off Grindr, it came after my first 947,875,785 dates (can you say exaggerate, much?) I just remember receiving x-rated photos and sending them and my heart was beating fast after my our many advancing messages to each other. Do you want to know the best part? He lived no more than one hundred yards from me! He was tall, dark, and handsome. I remember us cuddling and the thought of the pictures running through my head. I could feel him behind me, and before we both knew it, we were going at it. We continued this little escapade for a few months until I realized that we definitely were not on the same page.
In March 2010, I worked at Black Party and met this gorgeous French couple. They were charming and open and hung like horses of which I need to experience more often. We all fooled around and one of my friends even got involved. It was insanity, but the good kind. I stayed in touch through Facebook and Skype, but I didn't know when I would see them again until they popped up on Grindr. I used to live across the street from Barracuda and they were staying across Eighth Avenue at the Gem Hotel. I even bumped into one of them on the street and he scared me by coming up behind me. Well, a few nights later... They were both behind me. They rate in the Top 10"... I mean TOP 10 of my best ever! Let's just say, I love FRENCH MEN!!!!!!
I once met this French guy that works and lives in NYC. He took me to an amazing restaurant that my friend, Robert suggested to us. It was called B.E.S. on 22nd and 11th. It was cute and he kissed me at the end of the night, but awkward because he admitted to thinking because we met on Grindr that I would just go home with him. This wasn't the case, so we chatted a few more times and then I just blocked him... What a shame!? He was so gorgeous!
The best time to go on Grindr is during Pride, Black Party Weekend, and HustlaBall weekend. You find so many handsome guys. A lot of them being "DTF" which was always fine by me. Once again, my French couple would pop up and plenty of other candidates. Long Story made short, those weekends are very pleasurable.
Imagine Fire Island, a place filled with great looking guys that are ready to pounce because of being stuck in NYC and now the beast wanted to break free. On certain weekends there are great sex parties, and house parties, and things in general that you can get yourself invited to or meet up with people there so you already know that at least one guy that is going peaks your interest. I have found some of the best meetings out there in my time. The issue is, HORRIBLE RECEPTION!
When I head out of town to New Haven or even DC I am on Grindr picking up people all the way there from the bus or my friends' cars. My friends have even asked, "do you think the bus is going to stop for you to have a 15-minute-fuck?" It's actually really funny because I am usually just chatting to get to know people because I am bored. In DC, I actually found an amazing guy that I am still friends with and he was phenomenal in bed, but even better out. Too bad he lives in DC, right?
Everyone knows my best Grindr occurrence of how I met my ex, the love of my life. It's a tale that I will continue to tell for years, maybe as long as I live so I won't tire the subject now.
Grindr conversations are very direct or sometimes even drag out until you hear the popular questions, "what are you into? What are you looking for? top or bottom? Masc or fem?" etc... That's why I message my speech before being asked and most guys like that I know what I want. Some think I come on way too strong, but why play games? Why waste my time or theirs?
Grindr is also censored heavily. You cannot write many things on your profile and your profile photos are to be that of a Catholic School outfit. It's asking for much, but I guess you can send more in chats. Some guys don't think they should have to send photos of even have a default. Do they realize that I won't have sex or even go on dates with anything that in considered a man?
In Reno, NV people are very closed off or over confident. I have had the most unattractive guys start propositioning me and the guys I would go for act prude or want to take me on dates. The goodlooking guys are on the slim pickings side, so none of that has even happened.
That's All... for now!
I have been called the Grindr Queen, addicted to the app... even found my true (technically) off of this wonderful outlet for our gay renaissance of sorts. I remember first getting my iPhone right around my 21st Birthday. I remember it being one of my first downloaded apps. I got it before texting anyone.
I still feel the overwhelming rush of excitement, "wow, you're sexy... new to the area?" The funny part is that I wasn't new at all, I just downloaded a new app, I had a new way to get in touch with people. I quickly found myself going on dates, even having people meet me at my parties and promoting through this awesome outlet that seemed endless. Like the gay GPS, it scans your area for local gays, helping you find an instant hookup or chatting buddy to pass the time.
I have many experiences through Grindr, that I can reveal now more so than I could before. I remember my very first hookup off Grindr, it came after my first 947,875,785 dates (can you say exaggerate, much?) I just remember receiving x-rated photos and sending them and my heart was beating fast after my our many advancing messages to each other. Do you want to know the best part? He lived no more than one hundred yards from me! He was tall, dark, and handsome. I remember us cuddling and the thought of the pictures running through my head. I could feel him behind me, and before we both knew it, we were going at it. We continued this little escapade for a few months until I realized that we definitely were not on the same page.
In March 2010, I worked at Black Party and met this gorgeous French couple. They were charming and open and hung like horses of which I need to experience more often. We all fooled around and one of my friends even got involved. It was insanity, but the good kind. I stayed in touch through Facebook and Skype, but I didn't know when I would see them again until they popped up on Grindr. I used to live across the street from Barracuda and they were staying across Eighth Avenue at the Gem Hotel. I even bumped into one of them on the street and he scared me by coming up behind me. Well, a few nights later... They were both behind me. They rate in the Top 10"... I mean TOP 10 of my best ever! Let's just say, I love FRENCH MEN!!!!!!
I once met this French guy that works and lives in NYC. He took me to an amazing restaurant that my friend, Robert suggested to us. It was called B.E.S. on 22nd and 11th. It was cute and he kissed me at the end of the night, but awkward because he admitted to thinking because we met on Grindr that I would just go home with him. This wasn't the case, so we chatted a few more times and then I just blocked him... What a shame!? He was so gorgeous!
The best time to go on Grindr is during Pride, Black Party Weekend, and HustlaBall weekend. You find so many handsome guys. A lot of them being "DTF" which was always fine by me. Once again, my French couple would pop up and plenty of other candidates. Long Story made short, those weekends are very pleasurable.
Imagine Fire Island, a place filled with great looking guys that are ready to pounce because of being stuck in NYC and now the beast wanted to break free. On certain weekends there are great sex parties, and house parties, and things in general that you can get yourself invited to or meet up with people there so you already know that at least one guy that is going peaks your interest. I have found some of the best meetings out there in my time. The issue is, HORRIBLE RECEPTION!
When I head out of town to New Haven or even DC I am on Grindr picking up people all the way there from the bus or my friends' cars. My friends have even asked, "do you think the bus is going to stop for you to have a 15-minute-fuck?" It's actually really funny because I am usually just chatting to get to know people because I am bored. In DC, I actually found an amazing guy that I am still friends with and he was phenomenal in bed, but even better out. Too bad he lives in DC, right?
Everyone knows my best Grindr occurrence of how I met my ex, the love of my life. It's a tale that I will continue to tell for years, maybe as long as I live so I won't tire the subject now.
Grindr conversations are very direct or sometimes even drag out until you hear the popular questions, "what are you into? What are you looking for? top or bottom? Masc or fem?" etc... That's why I message my speech before being asked and most guys like that I know what I want. Some think I come on way too strong, but why play games? Why waste my time or theirs?
Grindr is also censored heavily. You cannot write many things on your profile and your profile photos are to be that of a Catholic School outfit. It's asking for much, but I guess you can send more in chats. Some guys don't think they should have to send photos of even have a default. Do they realize that I won't have sex or even go on dates with anything that in considered a man?
In Reno, NV people are very closed off or over confident. I have had the most unattractive guys start propositioning me and the guys I would go for act prude or want to take me on dates. The goodlooking guys are on the slim pickings side, so none of that has even happened.
That's All... for now!
Then You Left
I saw you, I stared.
I heard you, I listened.
When you first laughed, I blushed.
You flirted, I became shy.
The first time you touched me, I felt static.
The first time you held my hand, my heart hummed a song.
The first time you hugged me, I melted into you.
The first time you kissed me, I couldn't breathe.
The first time you held me, we became one.
The first time you made love to me, I was yours.
We went on adventures, we explored.
I would breathe in your scent, I got high.
"I want you," and you had me.
You took a polaroid in sepia tone, it would last longer
The first time you touched me, I felt static.
The first time you held my hand, my heart hummed a song.
The first time you hugged me, I melted into you.
The first time you kissed me, I couldn't breathe.
The first time you held me, we became one.
The first time you made love to me, I was yours.
What I want to be forever, it ended quickly
The adventures were grand, but journeying faded.
I stayed in and cried, losing you killed me.
I was reborn with reality and motivation
I wanted you, needed you, but I needed my sanity more.
Where is my sanity?
The last time you touched me, I felt static.
The last time you held my hand, my heart hummed a song.
The last time you hugged me, I melted into you.
The last time you kissed me, I couldn't breathe.
The last time you held me, we became one.
The last time you made love to me, I was yours.
Then you left...
I heard you, I listened.
When you first laughed, I blushed.
You flirted, I became shy.
The first time you touched me, I felt static.
The first time you held my hand, my heart hummed a song.
The first time you hugged me, I melted into you.
The first time you kissed me, I couldn't breathe.
The first time you held me, we became one.
The first time you made love to me, I was yours.
We went on adventures, we explored.
I would breathe in your scent, I got high.
"I want you," and you had me.
You took a polaroid in sepia tone, it would last longer
The first time you touched me, I felt static.
The first time you held my hand, my heart hummed a song.
The first time you hugged me, I melted into you.
The first time you kissed me, I couldn't breathe.
The first time you held me, we became one.
The first time you made love to me, I was yours.
What I want to be forever, it ended quickly
The adventures were grand, but journeying faded.
I stayed in and cried, losing you killed me.
I was reborn with reality and motivation
I wanted you, needed you, but I needed my sanity more.
Where is my sanity?
The last time you touched me, I felt static.
The last time you held my hand, my heart hummed a song.
The last time you hugged me, I melted into you.
The last time you kissed me, I couldn't breathe.
The last time you held me, we became one.
The last time you made love to me, I was yours.
Then you left...
The Dancer
People have a passion, they have an outlet to release emotions, show their talent, be who they want to be. It's a place they escape to where they feel invincible. Insecurities be damned because this place is solace and no one can take that away.
When I dance, I feel free and invincible. Nothing can penetrate my passion as if I had a force field protecting my release. I feel people watching me, yet I am alone on the dancefloor. I can only see me, be me, feel me. Getting back into ballet has been one of the most difficult thing after a few years. I felt every insecurity pressing me to the ground. You may as well have buried me six-feet under. Somehow, I decided it was time to step it up and I dug myself out to work my ass off.
When those stage lights are on me, it's a glow... Not because the lights are hot, but because I am me again. I feel wholesome and innocent on stage. I'm not judged nor am I constricted to reality. I am a super hero that has no kryptonite, except maybe too much tequila. My life is literally a scene from Billy Elliot in the sense that I want to break free dancing every single moment that I feel a large rush of emotions. I break free, let loose, I'm me.
Now, I see dancing as just fun and my love, so why am I going to hold back any longer. I am capable of much more and being something greater. Why do people call me the dancer? They don't call me 'the dancer' because I play football. I'm ready to make it.
That's All!
When I dance, I feel free and invincible. Nothing can penetrate my passion as if I had a force field protecting my release. I feel people watching me, yet I am alone on the dancefloor. I can only see me, be me, feel me. Getting back into ballet has been one of the most difficult thing after a few years. I felt every insecurity pressing me to the ground. You may as well have buried me six-feet under. Somehow, I decided it was time to step it up and I dug myself out to work my ass off.
When those stage lights are on me, it's a glow... Not because the lights are hot, but because I am me again. I feel wholesome and innocent on stage. I'm not judged nor am I constricted to reality. I am a super hero that has no kryptonite, except maybe too much tequila. My life is literally a scene from Billy Elliot in the sense that I want to break free dancing every single moment that I feel a large rush of emotions. I break free, let loose, I'm me.
Now, I see dancing as just fun and my love, so why am I going to hold back any longer. I am capable of much more and being something greater. Why do people call me the dancer? They don't call me 'the dancer' because I play football. I'm ready to make it.
That's All!
Falling In & Out
I don't know why, but things seem to get harder with dating as you grow older. As your heart grows more fondly over one person, you start to realize how insignificant all the other hookups and suitors were before the one. I can't say he was the "one that got away." He was more like the one that had to go away.
Starting on Monday evening, I had a sudden rush of emotions toward my Aussie ex-boyfriend; I guess it's more difficult ending on good terms than it is like a normal disaster parting. It could have been a disaster if you look at it in the right sense. Heart shatters and it sounds like a thin glass falling to the ground and it takes forever to clean up because of how far it spread. No suction of romantic vacuum currant could seem to shock it back to life and working properly.
When people express a kiss as taking their breath away or a spark that ignites their heart, it's not a phony rush. I was kissed, I was touched, I was alone with him every single time he kissed me. The spark set my heart of fire and I couldn't breathe. He looked at me and I was melting, so he would catch me with a tight embrace and life-changing kiss. Adele says, "yesterday was the time of our lives," and this past summer was the time of my life.
I feel like after love squanders, the wrong types, somehow journey into your life. What these types don't realize is that I can recognize what I want and what I feel. Yesterday I saw something so simple that reminded me of my ex in TJ Maxx when I was with my friend Candy shopping... I burst into tears straight away. It was natural.
In the past few days I have also spoke with a few of my friends such as Candy, Erica, and a few others about our exes and it seems that we all have similar issues. My Aussie was someone that had the utmost respect for me, and I for him. The times we shared are irreplaceable. Sometimes, we as people, lose sight of reality and dwell on our past and when things were, or seemed to be, perfect. My life wasn't purely absolute with him, but everything seemed better. I am a motivated being, but he made me ten times more.
Now my head rushes with a million questions and uncertainties. How do I find it again? Will I ever find it again? Can someone help me fall out of love so that I can fall back in it? I find it hard to believe that you can feel that strong for more than one person in your entire life. In television and Hollywood in general, we see characters leaving their mates that they settled down with for their ONE TRUE LOVE. are these real stories? I don't want to hurt anyone or build a life to throw a wrecking ball at, but fate and passion would strain my soul until I ruined what I currently had.
That's All!
Starting on Monday evening, I had a sudden rush of emotions toward my Aussie ex-boyfriend; I guess it's more difficult ending on good terms than it is like a normal disaster parting. It could have been a disaster if you look at it in the right sense. Heart shatters and it sounds like a thin glass falling to the ground and it takes forever to clean up because of how far it spread. No suction of romantic vacuum currant could seem to shock it back to life and working properly.
When people express a kiss as taking their breath away or a spark that ignites their heart, it's not a phony rush. I was kissed, I was touched, I was alone with him every single time he kissed me. The spark set my heart of fire and I couldn't breathe. He looked at me and I was melting, so he would catch me with a tight embrace and life-changing kiss. Adele says, "yesterday was the time of our lives," and this past summer was the time of my life.
I feel like after love squanders, the wrong types, somehow journey into your life. What these types don't realize is that I can recognize what I want and what I feel. Yesterday I saw something so simple that reminded me of my ex in TJ Maxx when I was with my friend Candy shopping... I burst into tears straight away. It was natural.
In the past few days I have also spoke with a few of my friends such as Candy, Erica, and a few others about our exes and it seems that we all have similar issues. My Aussie was someone that had the utmost respect for me, and I for him. The times we shared are irreplaceable. Sometimes, we as people, lose sight of reality and dwell on our past and when things were, or seemed to be, perfect. My life wasn't purely absolute with him, but everything seemed better. I am a motivated being, but he made me ten times more.
Now my head rushes with a million questions and uncertainties. How do I find it again? Will I ever find it again? Can someone help me fall out of love so that I can fall back in it? I find it hard to believe that you can feel that strong for more than one person in your entire life. In television and Hollywood in general, we see characters leaving their mates that they settled down with for their ONE TRUE LOVE. are these real stories? I don't want to hurt anyone or build a life to throw a wrecking ball at, but fate and passion would strain my soul until I ruined what I currently had.
That's All!
Monday, December 5, 2011
Wondering.
At times I wonder, "why do guys make us wonder?" I feel games are programmed into guys' heads to make us think and guess what is really going on. Sometimes it makes us over think, over analyze and causes unnecessary drama. Why does this happen?
I have always battled myself, and so have many others about things that may be wrong with us because of these guessing games. There is a mental block in our minds since we can't understand why guys hold back or aren't direct with us.
I believe in honesty and being upfront with somebody. Sometimes when you express yourself fully then you get an undesired answer, but at least you get something out of them. Other men like to play 'cat and mouse' and by that point it becomes a lost cause anyway. I hate chasing, but I like answers. It's like being left out in the cold and you're going to freeze until that door is opened and you get warmth whether it's a gratifying answer, or not.
That's kind of happening to me now. As much as I like someone, I still don't have a complete closure with someone that I care for. I ought to deserve some sort of way to cease my curiosity. I accept timing for what it is, but making me wait for explanations as to why I am lingering in anticipation for future rebuttal to continue a relationship of any sort, is simply absurd.
Moral to my little blurb, JUST SAY WHAT YOU'RE THINKING... stop making me guess and wonder, possibly coming up with all of these ideas that maybe I'm being lied to, and have been mislead this entire time. I don't like guessing games.
That's all!
I have always battled myself, and so have many others about things that may be wrong with us because of these guessing games. There is a mental block in our minds since we can't understand why guys hold back or aren't direct with us.
I believe in honesty and being upfront with somebody. Sometimes when you express yourself fully then you get an undesired answer, but at least you get something out of them. Other men like to play 'cat and mouse' and by that point it becomes a lost cause anyway. I hate chasing, but I like answers. It's like being left out in the cold and you're going to freeze until that door is opened and you get warmth whether it's a gratifying answer, or not.
That's kind of happening to me now. As much as I like someone, I still don't have a complete closure with someone that I care for. I ought to deserve some sort of way to cease my curiosity. I accept timing for what it is, but making me wait for explanations as to why I am lingering in anticipation for future rebuttal to continue a relationship of any sort, is simply absurd.
Moral to my little blurb, JUST SAY WHAT YOU'RE THINKING... stop making me guess and wonder, possibly coming up with all of these ideas that maybe I'm being lied to, and have been mislead this entire time. I don't like guessing games.
That's all!
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