Having Faith in Myself

During my stay in Reno, I have learned many new things about myself and the potential that I have to move forward. I have often lost all confidence after walking into an audition and lost faith in myself. I often ask myself, "why?"

I feel like I lost myself a little, or a lot, over the past few years living in NYC. Reno may have been the one thing I needed all along to put things into perspective for me. People live their lives and put things off as an under-emphasis and fall far behind while trying to become something. I don't want to be that person with dreams that turn my life into a nightmare.

This past Sunday I decided to go to church with Candy, my "house mom." She has been a joy to stay with and to be around. She is full of good energy. I woke up and decided I wanted the extra guidance. We drove to church and an anxiety started building inside me, like a flame that only the light could put out. As we pulled in, I began to get excited in a sense. I want change, therefore I was making one.

I walked through the doors, terrified that I may burst into flame, not because I am gay, but because my life has been so uncertain. What would my next step be? There was no lightning bolt that struck from the clear sky because I was sure to be damned. I walked in and felt nervous, but my mind quickly cleared. I opened myself up to interpret anything and everything.

At the Sparks Christian Fellowship, they are open and non-judgmental. As soon as I walked in and got my seat in this concert hall of a church, I was rushed with emotions in the live Christian Rock that was playing. My eyes welled up with tears and I realized how much I was missing in my life because of how jaded I have become. From family to NYC, things have been so fucked up in my young age and only I could change it. I am not the most religious person, but it felt good. It's been giving me the courage and confidence so far this week to do something and make myself work with diligence to progress to a higher level. I lost it somewhere on my path. Maybe it was a side path that looked like the better direction, somehow looking easier. I was wrong.

As my trip to Reno rapidly comes to a close with one weekend of performances out of the way, I realize just how badly I would like to make it BIG. I want to be someone that everyone knows. Here's the thing, I don't want to just be known for a nightlife socialite or club good. I want to be an advocate, I want to be major. I feel if I stay with this mindset and discontinue the partying every night, I will be less self-destructive to my own self. "To thine own self, be true!"

That's All!