I am sitting at a computer desk with this computer sitting in front of me trying to think of something to write about. I think it just hit me. Why am I going to attempt pulling passion from nowhere? What am I feeling at this very moment? I miss the "city that never sleeps."
I miss the lights that pollute the sky so we can't see the stars at night. I miss how they glimmer from miles away and from fifty blocks, you can see Times Square as if you in the heart of it. I miss the times of sitting dead center and looking up and around at night when I was upset, remembering just how lucky I am to be a part of this city. The smell of burnt nuts on carts with people struggling to keep their working papers. the clutter that New Yorkers hate to push through because the clutter are just slow paced tourists.
I miss walking through the Gayborhood (Chelsea) and being stopped every twenty steps by another person that I know and have a five minute conversation. I miss my friends and I getting trashed. and walking five steps home from Barracuda. I can see myself on my old stoop smoking a cigarette and people watching as I think, "How did I get this lucky?" I just see my friends going out and about we end up in a large group heading to dance, tear up that floor.
I raise Hell in Hells Kitchen with my friends mostly only on Wednesday nights. We start at the Ritz and work our way to Industry and terrorize anyone that gets in the way. I can taste the $4 Frozen Margaritas at Mother Burger and the burgers and guacamole. I see the people in the courtyard plaza, some romancing, some sobering up. It's perfect.
I can feel the city in me when I am away. I can hear it calling me and like a magnet, the pull is forcing me back. My friends are messaging me that they miss me. My party being set up. I'm craving NYC back in my life.
Out West things are so simple, but are so complicated because everyone is caught in a state of boredom that they need to start drama. It's a simple lifestyle that builds to become overboard. I can't wait to be back in a city that never sleeps, so I will be forced to stay awake.
NYC better be ready for me to return with open arms, streets, and minds. I will be back as a new person with a fire to stay and fight until I make it. I am not made for a simple life. I am made for LIFE!!!
That's All!
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Friday, November 25, 2011
Family Matters
When I was growing up, I knew I had a screwed up family. I knew things weren't perfect in the world even when televisions show depicted an American family to be perfect. For some reason or another, the cynical side of of me had already manifested.
I grew up with a disabled, single mother who was always sick. Disability and her trying to work in my grandparent's restaurant was our support system financially. It was hard seeing my mother in bed all of the time and moaning in pain. It kind of scars a kid, ya know? She was a clean freak and her medications would always give her mood swings worse than a adolescent. I remember moments that certain pain meds even made her feel suicidal and go crazy. She used to yell and scream for us to clean. She had it rough, raising three kids. I can't even imagine.
When I was growing up, we never had a nice, brand new car. My grandparents bought our house for us. They were were amazing people. Caring for whomever they could, selfless generosity. We always had secondhand furniture. And our house looked rundown after a few years. We couldn't afford to pay it. I was only a child.
My brother Bryan is ten years older than me and after he hit high school, he was never around. He was always out with his fellow team members from the football and wrestling teams. We did things together, but he always bullied me. It's the older-younger brother thing, I guess. He was always going against my mom and fighting, but we still made every game he played in or every wrestling match. I remember one time, it was sooo cold that I could feel the cold in my toes driving to see him wrestle. I used to make friends with all the older kids at his games and matches because I was so outgoing, energetic, and bound to gay.
I can recall, perfectly, the day Bryan left for college. It was July 7th, 1997. He had the UHAUL truck packed up. I sat outside the bathroom with the door open as he was shaving his face, crying because you always look up to your older brother as a kid. We went to my grandparent's restaurant for breakfast before he had to hit the road. In the UHAUL it was just Bryan and me. Savage Garden "I Want You" was playing and was really popular at the time and we made my mom and sister wait outside the truck while we sang the rest of the song together. When he hit the road I didn't know I would oly see him a handful of times up until this point in my life.
Pittsburg was such a bad place for my brother the first couple of years. Artist School Dropout. He started getting lazy and caught up in drugs. He dated this girl from a club that he worked at. We never met her. Then he met his present day wife. When I first met her, she was gorgeous and so much fun! She was so cool at first, then she went a little crazy. My brother loved her, so whatever bullshit we went through with her, we had to deal with. They got married in the Mormon church, meanwhile, we are Roman Catholics. My mom and grandmother were so upset. I was the only grandkid to actually get my First Holy Communion AND Confirmation. It was my choice.
My sister was always a shy girl, but big sweetheart. She looked for the best in people, but they would judge her for her size. She was and is a larger girl. I remember people saying things to or about her, around her and getting so upset. What did she ever do to them? NOTHING! She would boss me around all of the time, and I hated that, but at least I got to play with her Barbies with her. Her and a friend dressed me in drag at a very young age and my mom came upstairs and I hid, I was so scared she'd be mad. She was upset, but not pissed.
I came out at the young age of 11 to my family. They were open and accepting and caring. The thing was, they didn't get how much it was going to affect me, and trust me, it did. My sister was there for me more than anyone. School got harder, but my sister was always there to talk to when I got home from school or dance and we would talk and she hated homophobic assholes more than I did. She was always helping me out for dance lessons and things that I needed. I was spoiled. But whenever she always bossed me around, it really got to me.
When my mom married my stepfather in 2006, I was happy for her, but sad for my Jessica and me. My stepfather, Donnie, hated us kids because it took my mom's attention from him. He could never get along with both of us at once. I remember hearing things I shouldn't ever have heard. I heard them having sex, fighting, and it got to the point where he would beat my mom. As a teenage kid, kicking down my mom's bedroom door to make sure she was OKAY. What he was doing was never right. There were times I had to stay with my friend Becky for a week at a time and I didn't talk to my mom in school (she was a substitute teacher) and just walk passed her and I felt cold toward her. Donnie, as much of an asshole as he was, could be a cool guy... but he was homophobic, too!
My cousin Sera was getting married and the day of her wedding, a fight broke out in our house... the neighbors had to hate us. My mom broke me that day with what she said to my sister and I as we were waiting to go to the wedding... She didn't want to sit with us at the ceremony because, "I love Donnie more..." I can still feel the rage boiling over top of my head and my fist was through the wall. I was screaming an anger from deep within my being that was so passionate and real and raw, I thought I could kill someone. I started calling her by her first name for a while, Theresa... There were so many instances during their relationship that I can never forgive my mother for... The day of my grandmother's funeral, we got home and Donnie fought with Jessica and kicked her out of the house.
I left for a year to live with my cousins in Chatham, NJ. Things were much more stable there, family wise. They are great people. I loved living there, but I wasn't ready for something like that and I messed it up, but I learned from it. There was drama in this time from my ex boyfriend and controversy over my grandparent's restaurant. Either my mom, and her brother and sisters had to get along or they were gonna lose it. Guess what? They lost it. I gave up dance for the year I lived in Jersey. I didn't need it as much because I had the family support there.
When I moved back home to dreery Norwich, I got into many fights with Donnie and my mother about moving back in and such. I found work right away. Things were going to be good. I was dancing at the studio, which was my only other escape from work and my family. I didn't have school. I danced my butt off and no one really got why i was so selfish all of the time. I had to be. I struck everyone as an angry prick because I would constantly be mad at someone. How could I not be? Look at what hand was dealt to me.
After being home for a year, I decided that I needed to pursue something more than my hometown, so I packed up my stuff and I moved to NYC. Now, my family was "supportive" yet everyone expected me to fail after 3 months. They didn't realize how deep my love for the Big Apple grew and how my roots were being transplanted to new soil. I did everything to make myself stay. I wasn't going anywhere.
For my 21st Birthday, which I had planned for months... My family came to the city that never sleeps and were tiring me out from drama. When you go on a trip. Don't you look up directions and prices, etc...? They expected me to do all of the work. I wasn't there for that. I even remember telling my sister that she cold stay in her hotel room and mope about because I wasn't putting up with her dramatic shit. This was about me. My best friend in the world, Liz even was on my side about it... She was so much fun. She is like a sister to me. I love her. BACK TO THE BIRTHDAY... Finally, my sister caved in and they showed up and came to eat, drink etc... they were coming out to bars, etc... Then my sister wasn't feeling well, so they went to the hotel and left the next day as I headed out to Fire Island.
In December of the same year... just over five months later, I found myself in the hospital. On December 14th at 3:30am I attempted suicide and landed my pretty self in a psych ward at Beth Israel for a about six days. My family headed down from upstate to be "supportive." The only one that cried was my sister. My mom and I weren't on good terms anyway. My brother called and told my mom, "He's like a butterfly and when he hatches he's gonna fly whichever direction the wind is blowing." WHAT? I think he belonged in the hospital wayyyy more. I didn't talk to him for a very long time. I didn't want anything to do with him. He wasn't my brother. I couldn't care if he got hit by an industrial eighteen-wheeler. I expressed that to him from the pit of my stomach through emails. I think he got the point when I told him not to respond, but to just read and learn. I even went as far as putting my very dear friend, Robert as my emergency contact.
Even up until today, my family still sketches me out. They are all Mormons now, and self-righteous cult-heads that have no perception of reality. I can't escape thoughts of them being so hurtful, and that's why I guard myself from them and I try being so close with my friends other than real family. I am a little scarred from it. I can only be a good person from how I have learned to be from my own experiences. I am living and learning each day... I will prove to everyone, especially my family, what I can do with my life... But more importantly, I will prove it to myself.
That's All!
I grew up with a disabled, single mother who was always sick. Disability and her trying to work in my grandparent's restaurant was our support system financially. It was hard seeing my mother in bed all of the time and moaning in pain. It kind of scars a kid, ya know? She was a clean freak and her medications would always give her mood swings worse than a adolescent. I remember moments that certain pain meds even made her feel suicidal and go crazy. She used to yell and scream for us to clean. She had it rough, raising three kids. I can't even imagine.
When I was growing up, we never had a nice, brand new car. My grandparents bought our house for us. They were were amazing people. Caring for whomever they could, selfless generosity. We always had secondhand furniture. And our house looked rundown after a few years. We couldn't afford to pay it. I was only a child.
My brother Bryan is ten years older than me and after he hit high school, he was never around. He was always out with his fellow team members from the football and wrestling teams. We did things together, but he always bullied me. It's the older-younger brother thing, I guess. He was always going against my mom and fighting, but we still made every game he played in or every wrestling match. I remember one time, it was sooo cold that I could feel the cold in my toes driving to see him wrestle. I used to make friends with all the older kids at his games and matches because I was so outgoing, energetic, and bound to gay.
I can recall, perfectly, the day Bryan left for college. It was July 7th, 1997. He had the UHAUL truck packed up. I sat outside the bathroom with the door open as he was shaving his face, crying because you always look up to your older brother as a kid. We went to my grandparent's restaurant for breakfast before he had to hit the road. In the UHAUL it was just Bryan and me. Savage Garden "I Want You" was playing and was really popular at the time and we made my mom and sister wait outside the truck while we sang the rest of the song together. When he hit the road I didn't know I would oly see him a handful of times up until this point in my life.
Pittsburg was such a bad place for my brother the first couple of years. Artist School Dropout. He started getting lazy and caught up in drugs. He dated this girl from a club that he worked at. We never met her. Then he met his present day wife. When I first met her, she was gorgeous and so much fun! She was so cool at first, then she went a little crazy. My brother loved her, so whatever bullshit we went through with her, we had to deal with. They got married in the Mormon church, meanwhile, we are Roman Catholics. My mom and grandmother were so upset. I was the only grandkid to actually get my First Holy Communion AND Confirmation. It was my choice.
My sister was always a shy girl, but big sweetheart. She looked for the best in people, but they would judge her for her size. She was and is a larger girl. I remember people saying things to or about her, around her and getting so upset. What did she ever do to them? NOTHING! She would boss me around all of the time, and I hated that, but at least I got to play with her Barbies with her. Her and a friend dressed me in drag at a very young age and my mom came upstairs and I hid, I was so scared she'd be mad. She was upset, but not pissed.
I came out at the young age of 11 to my family. They were open and accepting and caring. The thing was, they didn't get how much it was going to affect me, and trust me, it did. My sister was there for me more than anyone. School got harder, but my sister was always there to talk to when I got home from school or dance and we would talk and she hated homophobic assholes more than I did. She was always helping me out for dance lessons and things that I needed. I was spoiled. But whenever she always bossed me around, it really got to me.
When my mom married my stepfather in 2006, I was happy for her, but sad for my Jessica and me. My stepfather, Donnie, hated us kids because it took my mom's attention from him. He could never get along with both of us at once. I remember hearing things I shouldn't ever have heard. I heard them having sex, fighting, and it got to the point where he would beat my mom. As a teenage kid, kicking down my mom's bedroom door to make sure she was OKAY. What he was doing was never right. There were times I had to stay with my friend Becky for a week at a time and I didn't talk to my mom in school (she was a substitute teacher) and just walk passed her and I felt cold toward her. Donnie, as much of an asshole as he was, could be a cool guy... but he was homophobic, too!
My cousin Sera was getting married and the day of her wedding, a fight broke out in our house... the neighbors had to hate us. My mom broke me that day with what she said to my sister and I as we were waiting to go to the wedding... She didn't want to sit with us at the ceremony because, "I love Donnie more..." I can still feel the rage boiling over top of my head and my fist was through the wall. I was screaming an anger from deep within my being that was so passionate and real and raw, I thought I could kill someone. I started calling her by her first name for a while, Theresa... There were so many instances during their relationship that I can never forgive my mother for... The day of my grandmother's funeral, we got home and Donnie fought with Jessica and kicked her out of the house.
I left for a year to live with my cousins in Chatham, NJ. Things were much more stable there, family wise. They are great people. I loved living there, but I wasn't ready for something like that and I messed it up, but I learned from it. There was drama in this time from my ex boyfriend and controversy over my grandparent's restaurant. Either my mom, and her brother and sisters had to get along or they were gonna lose it. Guess what? They lost it. I gave up dance for the year I lived in Jersey. I didn't need it as much because I had the family support there.
When I moved back home to dreery Norwich, I got into many fights with Donnie and my mother about moving back in and such. I found work right away. Things were going to be good. I was dancing at the studio, which was my only other escape from work and my family. I didn't have school. I danced my butt off and no one really got why i was so selfish all of the time. I had to be. I struck everyone as an angry prick because I would constantly be mad at someone. How could I not be? Look at what hand was dealt to me.
After being home for a year, I decided that I needed to pursue something more than my hometown, so I packed up my stuff and I moved to NYC. Now, my family was "supportive" yet everyone expected me to fail after 3 months. They didn't realize how deep my love for the Big Apple grew and how my roots were being transplanted to new soil. I did everything to make myself stay. I wasn't going anywhere.
For my 21st Birthday, which I had planned for months... My family came to the city that never sleeps and were tiring me out from drama. When you go on a trip. Don't you look up directions and prices, etc...? They expected me to do all of the work. I wasn't there for that. I even remember telling my sister that she cold stay in her hotel room and mope about because I wasn't putting up with her dramatic shit. This was about me. My best friend in the world, Liz even was on my side about it... She was so much fun. She is like a sister to me. I love her. BACK TO THE BIRTHDAY... Finally, my sister caved in and they showed up and came to eat, drink etc... they were coming out to bars, etc... Then my sister wasn't feeling well, so they went to the hotel and left the next day as I headed out to Fire Island.
In December of the same year... just over five months later, I found myself in the hospital. On December 14th at 3:30am I attempted suicide and landed my pretty self in a psych ward at Beth Israel for a about six days. My family headed down from upstate to be "supportive." The only one that cried was my sister. My mom and I weren't on good terms anyway. My brother called and told my mom, "He's like a butterfly and when he hatches he's gonna fly whichever direction the wind is blowing." WHAT? I think he belonged in the hospital wayyyy more. I didn't talk to him for a very long time. I didn't want anything to do with him. He wasn't my brother. I couldn't care if he got hit by an industrial eighteen-wheeler. I expressed that to him from the pit of my stomach through emails. I think he got the point when I told him not to respond, but to just read and learn. I even went as far as putting my very dear friend, Robert as my emergency contact.
Even up until today, my family still sketches me out. They are all Mormons now, and self-righteous cult-heads that have no perception of reality. I can't escape thoughts of them being so hurtful, and that's why I guard myself from them and I try being so close with my friends other than real family. I am a little scarred from it. I can only be a good person from how I have learned to be from my own experiences. I am living and learning each day... I will prove to everyone, especially my family, what I can do with my life... But more importantly, I will prove it to myself.
That's All!
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Beginning of Change For Love Part II
I really wasn't prepared for what the next day was going to bring. I woke up in Chris' arms on the VERY sunny, summer morning. We all got ready and headed for food, then it was time to say our final goodbyes, he had to go back to Australia, his dad was very ill. I had to let him go. I remember standing there, not wanting to look at him because that meant that I had to come to terms with him leaving. He hugged and kissed me and again, "I will fight for you, Richard!"
As I watched the taxi pull away from that corner on 33rd and 1st, I tried to stay standing tall, but deep down inside I was crumbling to the deepest parts of my core. I was off balance. I walked crosstown to 22nd and 8th to be around my friend, Robert.
Later that night, Chris called me from Miami and I remember wanting to be near him. his voice was in my ear, but physically so far away. I couldn't stop crying, but I was going on about my job and duties.
The next week I was a complete wreck, but I remember that Tuesday going to Barracuda and was miserable and then a karaoke contestant started to sing "Someone LIke You" by Adele. I was just about to lose it when Chris called me. I ran outside to take his call and we talked for approximately a hopeful 30 minutes. He surprised me by saying he'd be back in NYC July 30th-August 2nd to see me before going back to Melbourne. I was overwhelmed with joy. When I got back inside, another person was singing "Someone Like You." Coincidence or fate?
When he arrived downstairs on 35th St, I remember shaking from excitement and running down to help him with his bags, dinner on the stove. We smoked a cigarette, hugged and kissed. We got upstairs, and I had things planned already. He was watching TV and eying me as I nervously shook and was clumsy and dropping things. I remember starting to cry from being so happy. My feelings were definitely going into my food. I made him such a great meal with cocktails and all.
After dinner, as I was cleaning up I drew a bubblebath to relax from traveling with a playlist that I hand selected,,, He wanted me in there with him so I sat next to the tub and then I ended up getting in with him and sitting in his arms. He was kissing my neck and I was in HEAVEN. Again, I felt like I was on a cloud. No one has ever made me feel so vulnerable to emotional mumbo jumbo. We were imperfectly perfect!
The next few nights we spent completely alone and together, even if others were around it was like we were the last two people left on Earth. We had a day of debauchery with my friend, Langley. I remember being shit-faced off our tits! Chris and I ended up having a knock-down, drag-out fight over things that we couldn't even remember the origin of. I remember crying as he was walking away from me. It was funny because my straight friend/boss Jacob ended up taking him to XES to cool down and Langley, who lives above XES, took me upstairs to do the same. I can recall the boys coming up to the apartment, Chris sat down on the opposite, and like in a movie, started scooting closer to me and as soon as his arm was around me, I caved into his arms. I was crying waterfalls on him. "You know I wouldn't just leave you like that, Richard..." I was living the fantasy, gay love life out of a movie.
On Tuesday night, we headed to Barracuda (yes, I love Barracuda). It was Karaoke night and we just wanted to hangout with my friend Kevin because he wanted to say bye to my Aussie before he left for the airport a few hours later. I can still feel and smell and sense how it felt to have him put his arms around me as the same kid, Nick, sang "Someone Like You" so beautifully!
Not too much later, we walked back to my place and I broke down on the way and couldn't stand up because I was crying so hard. He was holding me up. He was hugging me and tearing up himself. When we got back, we had 30 minutes to spend with each other. SO I curled up in his arms, my grip was so strong... I didn't want him to leave.
The phone rang and his car for the airport was there, I gave him a jockstrap, sprayed it with my cologne... sounds weird, but he wanted a reminder of my booty, I guess. We walked downstairs and I just remember not being in reality and I was thinking we were just going somewhere together, until they pulled away once again. I wrote him a letter that he didn't open until he left.I poured my heart and soul into every bit of ink I laid on that paper.
Chris is, and will remain to be, my savior from jerks. We broke up after he left, technically, but he taught me how I should be treated by guys, not to change, and go for my dreams. He always called me brilliant, as was what we had, "We'll always have New York," and that seems to be my boyfriend more than anything because of my memories with him. Someone has some big shoes to fill if they want me, but he was really tall with very large feet!
If someone sweeps you off your feet, let it happen because you'll regret not knowing what love is. I learned and was forced to learn quickly. We couldn't have been anymore in our own little world. My friends would tell me how perfect we were together and how much he cared for me, they could see it. I could feel it.
There's always New York, We have New York. We will experience New York again... SOmeday...
That's All!
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Beginning of Change For Love
In mid-July I was in my normal party mood, ready to take over the town and paint it any color I saw fit. I headed to Splash Bar NYC (http://www.splashbar.com/)for Campus Thursdays to turn out the dancefloor... In fact, that's just what I did. At somepoint I stopped remember much, so I took a break to have myself a cigarette. I have the most vague recollection of a guy approaching me, "I like your leggings, but you should get them in gold... I think I want a pair." With a cunty response from me, he walked away.
I woke up the next morning with Facebook flooded with pictures of me on stage dancing with Meg Live! in my androgynous outfit, looking completely fierce. I proceeded to check my phone and I had six texts from friends about the events of the previous evening, or early morning... however you look at it. How messed up was I?
I moved onto my next step of my wake-up process- GRINDR (http://twitter.com/#!/Grindr) and I saw this devilishly, handsome guy that called himself "aussieboy" or something along those lines. Anyway, I started chatting to him because part of his profile read 'looking for a drinking buddy' and I am a fantaastic drinking buddy, party friend. We chatted back and forth and set a place and time to meet.
We met at Elmo (http://www.elmorestaurant.com/), where I worked at the time. I walked in and saw this tall, gorgeous guy so instead of walking straight over to him, I talked to my coworker/friends first. I was impossibly nervous, but I had to sit down, right? I sat down and introduced myself, but why did he look familiar? Then he said, "You were that kid in the heels and red leggins at Splash last night, yeah?" "that's me! oh no.." It was the 'GOLD LAME LEGGINGS' guy!!! I kept my cool; though, more anxious now, especially because of his sexy accent! What was I supposed to say next?
He started up the conversation and we talk for around two minutes and then right away, I spoke up, "Let's do this... We each get five minutes to tell our life stories, I'll go first. Time me." Within those five minutes I gave everything I had from past relationships to life promblems, to happy moments and beyond. He did the same.
I was only looking for a friend out of him at this point, then the tables turned... Now, I wanted to kiss him. He had to leave to catch a taxi to pic up his friend from the airport. We agreed to meet later at G Lounge (http://glounge.com/) when I was working if he could convince his straight buds. True story, within a few minutes we were texting each other and I remember explain how I couldn't guage our interaction until he finally texted me back, "I was moments away from reaching across the table for a kiss." I was sold.
Later that night, him and his friends ended up showing up. We had a blast together.I was craving a kiss, but he ended up being a complete traditional gentleman. He refused kissing me right away. Then another day passed and we saw each other, no kiss, but we were holding hands. He would come to Elmo and get a beer as I was getting off of work, then we'd leave together. Then it was Sunday... I had to work the dinner shift, so he came in and had a drink, then he joined my friends Langley and Tommy to hit up the Maritime Cabanas for the Sunday Funday afternoon parties. Langley and Chris (my aussie boy) got along so well.
Later that night, Chris and his friend Amanda met us at Elmo with langley so we could go to Barracuda (http://twitter.com/#!/BarracudaLounge) to see my dear friend, Sherry Vine's (http://twitter.com/#!/search/sherry%20vine) show. It was funny and everyone loved it. When it was finished, Chris and I journeyed outside to have a smoke. He grabbed my hand and we walked half a block.
I remember a light against a white, brick wall that was plain and a background setting for him to gently shove me against a wall and confidently he said, "Now I'm going to kiss you!" As his lips touched mine I felt jolts of electricity serging through my mouth to my brain, into my neck and down my spine. It didn't stop there; I felt it in my hands and finger tips until my arms were around his shoulders and fingers trhough his hair, his arms around my back. This jolt, ended up being an energy source from just a kiss. I couldn't feel my feet as if i were floating, and then he released. "WOW!" we both said and stood back in shock for a moment until we continued supplying the air with an electrical storm. I remember it bringing slight tears to my eyes. I foudn it, the spark.
We walked back in to our friends, and I realized something changed. No one else in the room that was staring at us somehow didn't matter anymore. The next day, we hungout and now we could kiss, but we didn't want something like sex to just ruin us. We held off. I continued showing him around NYC with his friends. I had already showed them some great oyster place in the West Village called Fish (http://www.fishrestaurantnyc.com/), and some cool bars. I even told him and his one friend, Rob about Pier 45 (http://newyork.timeout.com/%5Btimeout-url-channel%5D/%5Btimeout-url-section%5D/119542/hudson-river-park-at-pier-45). We ended up going to Barracuda again that evening for Peppermint's (http://twitter.com/#!/Peppermint247) show. There was a moment when we were sitting on the couch holding hands and he asked me, "do you think this is too perfect?" and he had a nervous shutter in his vocie... "No Chris, It is only too perfect if you believe it's not deep down, I think we are just right," or something along those lines... I have the cheesiest things that I say, but they somehow make sense. I remember a guy flirting with him and he said I was his boyfriend, but only because he wanted him to go away. It still made me feel really good. Not too long after, we said goodnight and were texting each other non-stop, until we fell asleep.
On Tuesday, I felt even stronger and just wanted him. SO I worked the lunch shift at Elmo and he came in and ate and had a beer at the end of it and we left together to hangout. I remember it being a beautiful, but scortching hot day. We did our normal thing and then he went to hangout with his friends. He wanted to see me even more now because for the first night, we may have not been able to see each other because he was with his straight friends at a straight bar. We kept texting back and forth that we wanted to see each other, but I told him his friends were in town only a short time longer and to hang out with them. It wasn't happeneing, I realizEd He when he said he was on his way and the Aussie gang walked into Barracuda on their Karaoke Night and the conversation quickly got intense when he pulled me aside. I remember thinking he was crazy because he believeed he was cramping my style and that he thought we should just stay drinking buddies because his feelings were growing for me and how he saw me as his, but he knew that wasn't the truth... Then in an instant, after explaining to him that I wanted him and was afraid he didn't, it happened... He kissed me and we were together.
This time when he kissed me, the walls lifted, people seemed to disappear and the floor lifted, we were soaring! I knew the stars were around me because so were his arms. My body tingled, hands shuttering, eyes closed, heart in his hands... I grew warmer, now... his scent filling my soul and I was his. It was an intense passion that changed who I was and still am.
The next Day I found myself walking cross-town to his place. We cuddled for a while. I started kissing him and he kissed me... Were we going to make love? I remember him being over me and kissing me and my legs wrapped and I nibbled on him and we were one being.. He was the nicest sweetest guy ever and I just remember wanting him more and more. I even had to RUN home in a DOWN POUR of rain, but it was worth it.
Over the few weeks we had fun drinking, partying, going to various restaurants, journeying around the city and enjoying our downtime together. His last Friday here, I was having allergic reactions to the heat and season and had to leave work. he still planned this amazing after date for us. I ended up being too sleepy because of allergy meds, but I have never had someone be so creative and romantic that I burst into tears and couldn't stop.
That's All!
I woke up the next morning with Facebook flooded with pictures of me on stage dancing with Meg Live! in my androgynous outfit, looking completely fierce. I proceeded to check my phone and I had six texts from friends about the events of the previous evening, or early morning... however you look at it. How messed up was I?
I moved onto my next step of my wake-up process- GRINDR (http://twitter.com/#!/Grindr) and I saw this devilishly, handsome guy that called himself "aussieboy" or something along those lines. Anyway, I started chatting to him because part of his profile read 'looking for a drinking buddy' and I am a fantaastic drinking buddy, party friend. We chatted back and forth and set a place and time to meet.
We met at Elmo (http://www.elmorestaurant.com/), where I worked at the time. I walked in and saw this tall, gorgeous guy so instead of walking straight over to him, I talked to my coworker/friends first. I was impossibly nervous, but I had to sit down, right? I sat down and introduced myself, but why did he look familiar? Then he said, "You were that kid in the heels and red leggins at Splash last night, yeah?" "that's me! oh no.." It was the 'GOLD LAME LEGGINGS' guy!!! I kept my cool; though, more anxious now, especially because of his sexy accent! What was I supposed to say next?
He started up the conversation and we talk for around two minutes and then right away, I spoke up, "Let's do this... We each get five minutes to tell our life stories, I'll go first. Time me." Within those five minutes I gave everything I had from past relationships to life promblems, to happy moments and beyond. He did the same.
I was only looking for a friend out of him at this point, then the tables turned... Now, I wanted to kiss him. He had to leave to catch a taxi to pic up his friend from the airport. We agreed to meet later at G Lounge (http://glounge.com/) when I was working if he could convince his straight buds. True story, within a few minutes we were texting each other and I remember explain how I couldn't guage our interaction until he finally texted me back, "I was moments away from reaching across the table for a kiss." I was sold.
Later that night, him and his friends ended up showing up. We had a blast together.I was craving a kiss, but he ended up being a complete traditional gentleman. He refused kissing me right away. Then another day passed and we saw each other, no kiss, but we were holding hands. He would come to Elmo and get a beer as I was getting off of work, then we'd leave together. Then it was Sunday... I had to work the dinner shift, so he came in and had a drink, then he joined my friends Langley and Tommy to hit up the Maritime Cabanas for the Sunday Funday afternoon parties. Langley and Chris (my aussie boy) got along so well.
Later that night, Chris and his friend Amanda met us at Elmo with langley so we could go to Barracuda (http://twitter.com/#!/BarracudaLounge) to see my dear friend, Sherry Vine's (http://twitter.com/#!/search/sherry%20vine) show. It was funny and everyone loved it. When it was finished, Chris and I journeyed outside to have a smoke. He grabbed my hand and we walked half a block.
I remember a light against a white, brick wall that was plain and a background setting for him to gently shove me against a wall and confidently he said, "Now I'm going to kiss you!" As his lips touched mine I felt jolts of electricity serging through my mouth to my brain, into my neck and down my spine. It didn't stop there; I felt it in my hands and finger tips until my arms were around his shoulders and fingers trhough his hair, his arms around my back. This jolt, ended up being an energy source from just a kiss. I couldn't feel my feet as if i were floating, and then he released. "WOW!" we both said and stood back in shock for a moment until we continued supplying the air with an electrical storm. I remember it bringing slight tears to my eyes. I foudn it, the spark.
We walked back in to our friends, and I realized something changed. No one else in the room that was staring at us somehow didn't matter anymore. The next day, we hungout and now we could kiss, but we didn't want something like sex to just ruin us. We held off. I continued showing him around NYC with his friends. I had already showed them some great oyster place in the West Village called Fish (http://www.fishrestaurantnyc.com/), and some cool bars. I even told him and his one friend, Rob about Pier 45 (http://newyork.timeout.com/%5Btimeout-url-channel%5D/%5Btimeout-url-section%5D/119542/hudson-river-park-at-pier-45). We ended up going to Barracuda again that evening for Peppermint's (http://twitter.com/#!/Peppermint247) show. There was a moment when we were sitting on the couch holding hands and he asked me, "do you think this is too perfect?" and he had a nervous shutter in his vocie... "No Chris, It is only too perfect if you believe it's not deep down, I think we are just right," or something along those lines... I have the cheesiest things that I say, but they somehow make sense. I remember a guy flirting with him and he said I was his boyfriend, but only because he wanted him to go away. It still made me feel really good. Not too long after, we said goodnight and were texting each other non-stop, until we fell asleep.
On Tuesday, I felt even stronger and just wanted him. SO I worked the lunch shift at Elmo and he came in and ate and had a beer at the end of it and we left together to hangout. I remember it being a beautiful, but scortching hot day. We did our normal thing and then he went to hangout with his friends. He wanted to see me even more now because for the first night, we may have not been able to see each other because he was with his straight friends at a straight bar. We kept texting back and forth that we wanted to see each other, but I told him his friends were in town only a short time longer and to hang out with them. It wasn't happeneing, I realizEd He when he said he was on his way and the Aussie gang walked into Barracuda on their Karaoke Night and the conversation quickly got intense when he pulled me aside. I remember thinking he was crazy because he believeed he was cramping my style and that he thought we should just stay drinking buddies because his feelings were growing for me and how he saw me as his, but he knew that wasn't the truth... Then in an instant, after explaining to him that I wanted him and was afraid he didn't, it happened... He kissed me and we were together.
This time when he kissed me, the walls lifted, people seemed to disappear and the floor lifted, we were soaring! I knew the stars were around me because so were his arms. My body tingled, hands shuttering, eyes closed, heart in his hands... I grew warmer, now... his scent filling my soul and I was his. It was an intense passion that changed who I was and still am.
The next Day I found myself walking cross-town to his place. We cuddled for a while. I started kissing him and he kissed me... Were we going to make love? I remember him being over me and kissing me and my legs wrapped and I nibbled on him and we were one being.. He was the nicest sweetest guy ever and I just remember wanting him more and more. I even had to RUN home in a DOWN POUR of rain, but it was worth it.
Over the few weeks we had fun drinking, partying, going to various restaurants, journeying around the city and enjoying our downtime together. His last Friday here, I was having allergic reactions to the heat and season and had to leave work. he still planned this amazing after date for us. I ended up being too sleepy because of allergy meds, but I have never had someone be so creative and romantic that I burst into tears and couldn't stop.
That's All!
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
From NYC to NV
I was down and out for a few months in NYC with friends helping me left and right, attempting to find work opportunity, etc. Halloween week before I left for Reno, NV was a crazy time.
Halloween is a time to dress up and be someone you're not; kind of like being an actor and staying in character. I don't always feel the need to get in costume, the. Last minute I was a rape victim and a bloody mess.
Pedro and I had a going away brunch that didn't turn out as many friends aswe wouldhave hoped, but it was definitely a great way to say, "goodbye," to NYC. Even Sherry Vine showed up and that was brief, but sincere!
I left for Reno, scared and anxious. Why not, though? I don't know anything about Reno, let alone the west coast of America! Ballet class was something I was warned about, but didn't heed it as cautiously as I should have.
I was wrecked, but after a slight mental break-down, I've decided to focus on dance and make things happen for myself. It's just about time kick my ass into gear and become something more than a club kid working for catering companies. Just some thoughts...
That's all!
Halloween is a time to dress up and be someone you're not; kind of like being an actor and staying in character. I don't always feel the need to get in costume, the. Last minute I was a rape victim and a bloody mess.
Pedro and I had a going away brunch that didn't turn out as many friends aswe wouldhave hoped, but it was definitely a great way to say, "goodbye," to NYC. Even Sherry Vine showed up and that was brief, but sincere!
I left for Reno, scared and anxious. Why not, though? I don't know anything about Reno, let alone the west coast of America! Ballet class was something I was warned about, but didn't heed it as cautiously as I should have.
I was wrecked, but after a slight mental break-down, I've decided to focus on dance and make things happen for myself. It's just about time kick my ass into gear and become something more than a club kid working for catering companies. Just some thoughts...
That's all!
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
I'm On the Edge!
I've loved Edge of Glory since the first time I heard it. It never made much sense to me until recently. I met this guy from Melbourne, Australia on his holiday and prep to move here to model with Wilhemina. After our first real meeting, I only wanted to kiss him and be around him. Within a short period of 4 days, he made me his. He had no doubts in his head and it was refreshing because it was mutual.
I was showing him around New York City and at times his friends, also. He appreciated me and I him. When near him, I always felt electricity between us. It was a certain static. I kiss and he takes my breath away every single time! If my heart were to stop, simply the touch of his hand would jumpstart my heart.
We both started to see a trend of Edge of Glory playing at the most random, funky times where it meant something. Aside from it playing nonstop on the radio, it started to play the moment we went somewhere, turned on the radio, shuffled music on the iPod, even at nightclubs. The craziest of all is when he left for Miami and I thought he wasn't coming back to NYC- Edge of Glory wa playing on my radio here and in the lobby of his hotel down there. We both feel the song and we get how it applies to us and our passionate romance... It's "Notebook" style romance; fiery and intense- Most of all, it's MUTUAL!
Back in Australia, his father got sick. He wants to make things better with his family that turned their backs on him after his coming out. It's something that he needs to fix for himself and work on things to make his life better and I'm doing the same here in Manhattan. It just so happens that he came back to surprise me for a 4 day span to bid a proper fairwell.
When he arrived, I was so excited that I had dinner planned, his favorite beer in America that I introduced him to, a bubble bath for him to relax in, and many other things that made him see more how much he cares for me and I for him.
For a fantasy reunion for us, I imagine a Ladgy Gaga concert that a contest is won and we are flown from different parts of the world to meet. When Lady Gaga is about to sing Edge of Glory, she asks if there is a Melbourne native in the house named Chris. I'm pretty sure there may be 100 of them in the room, but then she would have me come out and she would say, "Is there one of you that is on the edge of glory with him?" and from there she sings the Hell out of the song and let's us have our moment. To me that would make part of my new dreams transform into a reality. Love is something that you go to lengths for when you're on the edge. In modern day society, it's hard to find that burning inside that makes you want to fly. We once said, "This sort of thing only happens in the movies, how can it be real?" The answer is: movies are based off of some form of reality.
He made me grow and become more in 3 weeks. He made me feel like my heart would pound out of my chest and still does even though he's gone. I can tell you... I'm on the EDGE!
I was showing him around New York City and at times his friends, also. He appreciated me and I him. When near him, I always felt electricity between us. It was a certain static. I kiss and he takes my breath away every single time! If my heart were to stop, simply the touch of his hand would jumpstart my heart.
We both started to see a trend of Edge of Glory playing at the most random, funky times where it meant something. Aside from it playing nonstop on the radio, it started to play the moment we went somewhere, turned on the radio, shuffled music on the iPod, even at nightclubs. The craziest of all is when he left for Miami and I thought he wasn't coming back to NYC- Edge of Glory wa playing on my radio here and in the lobby of his hotel down there. We both feel the song and we get how it applies to us and our passionate romance... It's "Notebook" style romance; fiery and intense- Most of all, it's MUTUAL!
Back in Australia, his father got sick. He wants to make things better with his family that turned their backs on him after his coming out. It's something that he needs to fix for himself and work on things to make his life better and I'm doing the same here in Manhattan. It just so happens that he came back to surprise me for a 4 day span to bid a proper fairwell.
When he arrived, I was so excited that I had dinner planned, his favorite beer in America that I introduced him to, a bubble bath for him to relax in, and many other things that made him see more how much he cares for me and I for him.
For a fantasy reunion for us, I imagine a Ladgy Gaga concert that a contest is won and we are flown from different parts of the world to meet. When Lady Gaga is about to sing Edge of Glory, she asks if there is a Melbourne native in the house named Chris. I'm pretty sure there may be 100 of them in the room, but then she would have me come out and she would say, "Is there one of you that is on the edge of glory with him?" and from there she sings the Hell out of the song and let's us have our moment. To me that would make part of my new dreams transform into a reality. Love is something that you go to lengths for when you're on the edge. In modern day society, it's hard to find that burning inside that makes you want to fly. We once said, "This sort of thing only happens in the movies, how can it be real?" The answer is: movies are based off of some form of reality.
He made me grow and become more in 3 weeks. He made me feel like my heart would pound out of my chest and still does even though he's gone. I can tell you... I'm on the EDGE!
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Almost Over or Just the Beginning?
Back in December I had a bad moment of depression. Everyone thought that I was the happy, always smiling, living life kind of kid. I was the happiest guy in the world, but no one could see my inner demons from when I was younger. I had plenty of monsters under the bed.
Most people do't like to see the harsh truth even if it's staring them in the face. Many of my friends would turn a blind eye to signs of the intense melancholy me that was putting on a smile for everyone surrounding me.
Finally, one night I was out with my friends and something snapped in me- I felt like I was unwanted, undesirable and meant nothing, not a bit to anyone and that my life was going nowhere. I kept drinking and boozing until it escalated to me attempting to overdose; needless to say, I woke up in the hospital the next day.
My head was spinning, vision still blurring, my thoughts couldn't be placed together. I was still high on whatever I did the night before. I was dazed and confused. How did I end up here?
An attempt at my own life landed me in the hospital for a week. I attempted to get out early and they only discharge on business days- I was stuck in there for the whole weekend. In MOST ways the experience was the best way to learn who I was and kick my own life back into gear. I was strengthening myself with me. I had a few counselors, but it was mostly me teaching myself. I went to the group meetings and read my books and magazines. I played music in my head and began my crative streak. I read everything from the Gaga Book to NYC Architecture back to the CHELSEA HOTEL MYTHS and gossip magazines; all in part to my bestfriend, Kevin. He also tried convincing them to let me out for our weekly Champagne night, the doctors weren't going for that idea.
I remember my friend Robert coming to see me or drop things off to me and being upset with everyone treating me like garbage. He arranged with my friends for visitors and such. I got to see my friend Vinny and my friend Marto... I cried when I saw both of them. They were there with all of the support in the world
I was still a part of the this world. I decided I was going to make the best of my stay and to live my life after I got out.
I remember going out to the Ritz to see Bianca Del Rio the night I got out and just being so happy to be alive and happier to have true friends around me.
The next night Sherry Vine invited me to the movies with her and Joey Arias. We saw TRON in 3D, it was great! Afterward, we headed to Vig 27 where Peppermint performed with special guest, Lady Bunny. For some reason everything Peppermint sang that whole week spoke to me.
The past few months have been such a rough patch, but every single day is another reason to live. One hardship now seems like ten opportunities. I learned who I could trust and who truly loved me. I know who and what my life was meant for. I am an entertainer, a person to make others laugh and smile. I own any room I walk in. It's a glow.
Since I've been out I have done plenty to pursue me. I started working the door every Friday at G Lounge. I'm loved amd part of a family there. I'm a personality and they recognize and respect that, and responded with a job for me. It was the beginning again. I started getting dance gigs left and right. I filmed two music videos, Sherry Vine "More This Way" & Dani Barbers "Fly". I began looking for opportunity everywhere. I then was picking up gigs for Black Party and other events. Sherry's parody of "Born This Way" was recognized and still is being noticed everywhere!
I am booking gigs all the time now. two more music videos in the month of April and a performance. My life was too great to end... I am on a roll... I'm stronger than yesterday.
Most people do't like to see the harsh truth even if it's staring them in the face. Many of my friends would turn a blind eye to signs of the intense melancholy me that was putting on a smile for everyone surrounding me.
Finally, one night I was out with my friends and something snapped in me- I felt like I was unwanted, undesirable and meant nothing, not a bit to anyone and that my life was going nowhere. I kept drinking and boozing until it escalated to me attempting to overdose; needless to say, I woke up in the hospital the next day.
My head was spinning, vision still blurring, my thoughts couldn't be placed together. I was still high on whatever I did the night before. I was dazed and confused. How did I end up here?
An attempt at my own life landed me in the hospital for a week. I attempted to get out early and they only discharge on business days- I was stuck in there for the whole weekend. In MOST ways the experience was the best way to learn who I was and kick my own life back into gear. I was strengthening myself with me. I had a few counselors, but it was mostly me teaching myself. I went to the group meetings and read my books and magazines. I played music in my head and began my crative streak. I read everything from the Gaga Book to NYC Architecture back to the CHELSEA HOTEL MYTHS and gossip magazines; all in part to my bestfriend, Kevin. He also tried convincing them to let me out for our weekly Champagne night, the doctors weren't going for that idea.
I remember my friend Robert coming to see me or drop things off to me and being upset with everyone treating me like garbage. He arranged with my friends for visitors and such. I got to see my friend Vinny and my friend Marto... I cried when I saw both of them. They were there with all of the support in the world
I was still a part of the this world. I decided I was going to make the best of my stay and to live my life after I got out.
I remember going out to the Ritz to see Bianca Del Rio the night I got out and just being so happy to be alive and happier to have true friends around me.
The next night Sherry Vine invited me to the movies with her and Joey Arias. We saw TRON in 3D, it was great! Afterward, we headed to Vig 27 where Peppermint performed with special guest, Lady Bunny. For some reason everything Peppermint sang that whole week spoke to me.
The past few months have been such a rough patch, but every single day is another reason to live. One hardship now seems like ten opportunities. I learned who I could trust and who truly loved me. I know who and what my life was meant for. I am an entertainer, a person to make others laugh and smile. I own any room I walk in. It's a glow.
Since I've been out I have done plenty to pursue me. I started working the door every Friday at G Lounge. I'm loved amd part of a family there. I'm a personality and they recognize and respect that, and responded with a job for me. It was the beginning again. I started getting dance gigs left and right. I filmed two music videos, Sherry Vine "More This Way" & Dani Barbers "Fly". I began looking for opportunity everywhere. I then was picking up gigs for Black Party and other events. Sherry's parody of "Born This Way" was recognized and still is being noticed everywhere!
I am booking gigs all the time now. two more music videos in the month of April and a performance. My life was too great to end... I am on a roll... I'm stronger than yesterday.
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