During my stay in Reno, I have learned many new things about myself and the potential that I have to move forward. I have often lost all confidence after walking into an audition and lost faith in myself. I often ask myself, "why?"
I feel like I lost myself a little, or a lot, over the past few years living in NYC. Reno may have been the one thing I needed all along to put things into perspective for me. People live their lives and put things off as an under-emphasis and fall far behind while trying to become something. I don't want to be that person with dreams that turn my life into a nightmare.
This past Sunday I decided to go to church with Candy, my "house mom." She has been a joy to stay with and to be around. She is full of good energy. I woke up and decided I wanted the extra guidance. We drove to church and an anxiety started building inside me, like a flame that only the light could put out. As we pulled in, I began to get excited in a sense. I want change, therefore I was making one.
I walked through the doors, terrified that I may burst into flame, not because I am gay, but because my life has been so uncertain. What would my next step be? There was no lightning bolt that struck from the clear sky because I was sure to be damned. I walked in and felt nervous, but my mind quickly cleared. I opened myself up to interpret anything and everything.
At the Sparks Christian Fellowship, they are open and non-judgmental. As soon as I walked in and got my seat in this concert hall of a church, I was rushed with emotions in the live Christian Rock that was playing. My eyes welled up with tears and I realized how much I was missing in my life because of how jaded I have become. From family to NYC, things have been so fucked up in my young age and only I could change it. I am not the most religious person, but it felt good. It's been giving me the courage and confidence so far this week to do something and make myself work with diligence to progress to a higher level. I lost it somewhere on my path. Maybe it was a side path that looked like the better direction, somehow looking easier. I was wrong.
As my trip to Reno rapidly comes to a close with one weekend of performances out of the way, I realize just how badly I would like to make it BIG. I want to be someone that everyone knows. Here's the thing, I don't want to just be known for a nightlife socialite or club good. I want to be an advocate, I want to be major. I feel if I stay with this mindset and discontinue the partying every night, I will be less self-destructive to my own self. "To thine own self, be true!"
That's All!
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Friday, December 9, 2011
The Dancing Type
I sat at the computer for about twenty minutes, staring at the screen. To me this is a blank canvas for me to type out my thoughts and vent, release. It's enjoyable and something that I can say that I love to do. Writing is just another form of me dancing.
I sit here tapping my fingers to my own beat about clubbing, love, pop culture, etc... but one thing that I always think is that my thoughts are dancing around my head and I am not sure what move I should do next. The improvisation gliding along the surface of my brain like swans to an orchestra.
This blog is my journal as is a stage. For many that don't know me or think they know me, I am a deep person. The ocean that I swim is bottomless. No one ever knows what I am really thinking, and when they try to guess... they'll be wrong every time. I have had people call me "mysterious," but the funny thing is, I lay it all out there... If someone wants to know something about me, I tell them. I am an open book and I prefer honesty above deception.
When I see myself dancing, I am usually writing or dreaming. The writing is also away of expressing my dreams and aspirations before doing them. I want to document my life in such a way that people can get to know me better. They can dance with me. The exciting parts are the hip hop, jazz, and tango parts; as for slow and dramatic, I would choose contemporary-lyrical. My mood usually goes into my dancing, and my writing is about that mood. Laying it out for all to know just how vulnerable I really am.
Have you ever looked at me and thought to yourself, "Who is this guy?" I know I have. I do it every time I look into the mirror. The reflection is someone I recognize, but not always someone I take pride in or even judge. The person is someone I am forced to look at every day, so I write these things down to keep me sane. I dance these emotions out to be loved by myself. The reflection will never change no matter how badly I would like it to. I live with that person staring back at me because he judges me. I get nervous and anxious that he is not proud of me. I go into depths to see what it is he sees.
This may sounds crazy or bipolar, which I get... but it's not... it's a reality that some of us face. Are we happy with our reflection physically and mentally? Is that person in the mirror staring back laughing at or applauding us. If we are not happy with ourselves, then how can we be happy with anything? I am dancing on the keyboard trying to figure out what it is that I am trying to say. The words are being typed as my brain processes more thoughts.
When I see myself in the studio, the mirrors from wall-to-wall, there's no escaping my reflection. I can't run away. I have to face myself. I see myself not pushing myself, I know I can do better... The other me is telling me so. It's just that reflection that makes me get it right. Just like my brain gets these words right.
My expressive side is pretty fucked up. I can say what I am thinking and people understand most of the time. Once again, I am the only one that gets me. I continue to type, but I need to push more out. Getting people to understand you is hard work, just like getting the steps to a choreographed piece.
ok, but seriously... I just went into a place of my brain that I didn't know I had. Going back there...
Dancing and writing are both movements for me. They are things that help me release and be me, see me, change me, improve me. I take it as a gift of expression, a talent that makes me strong with every move and tap. My reflection is my spell check, as my spell check is my technique and will to get every move right. Both strengthen my will to get better and make my heart more fond, day-by-day, of this art that consumes me.
My passion is how I know that I will make it.
That's All!
I sit here tapping my fingers to my own beat about clubbing, love, pop culture, etc... but one thing that I always think is that my thoughts are dancing around my head and I am not sure what move I should do next. The improvisation gliding along the surface of my brain like swans to an orchestra.
This blog is my journal as is a stage. For many that don't know me or think they know me, I am a deep person. The ocean that I swim is bottomless. No one ever knows what I am really thinking, and when they try to guess... they'll be wrong every time. I have had people call me "mysterious," but the funny thing is, I lay it all out there... If someone wants to know something about me, I tell them. I am an open book and I prefer honesty above deception.
When I see myself dancing, I am usually writing or dreaming. The writing is also away of expressing my dreams and aspirations before doing them. I want to document my life in such a way that people can get to know me better. They can dance with me. The exciting parts are the hip hop, jazz, and tango parts; as for slow and dramatic, I would choose contemporary-lyrical. My mood usually goes into my dancing, and my writing is about that mood. Laying it out for all to know just how vulnerable I really am.
Have you ever looked at me and thought to yourself, "Who is this guy?" I know I have. I do it every time I look into the mirror. The reflection is someone I recognize, but not always someone I take pride in or even judge. The person is someone I am forced to look at every day, so I write these things down to keep me sane. I dance these emotions out to be loved by myself. The reflection will never change no matter how badly I would like it to. I live with that person staring back at me because he judges me. I get nervous and anxious that he is not proud of me. I go into depths to see what it is he sees.
This may sounds crazy or bipolar, which I get... but it's not... it's a reality that some of us face. Are we happy with our reflection physically and mentally? Is that person in the mirror staring back laughing at or applauding us. If we are not happy with ourselves, then how can we be happy with anything? I am dancing on the keyboard trying to figure out what it is that I am trying to say. The words are being typed as my brain processes more thoughts.
When I see myself in the studio, the mirrors from wall-to-wall, there's no escaping my reflection. I can't run away. I have to face myself. I see myself not pushing myself, I know I can do better... The other me is telling me so. It's just that reflection that makes me get it right. Just like my brain gets these words right.
My expressive side is pretty fucked up. I can say what I am thinking and people understand most of the time. Once again, I am the only one that gets me. I continue to type, but I need to push more out. Getting people to understand you is hard work, just like getting the steps to a choreographed piece.
ok, but seriously... I just went into a place of my brain that I didn't know I had. Going back there...
Dancing and writing are both movements for me. They are things that help me release and be me, see me, change me, improve me. I take it as a gift of expression, a talent that makes me strong with every move and tap. My reflection is my spell check, as my spell check is my technique and will to get every move right. Both strengthen my will to get better and make my heart more fond, day-by-day, of this art that consumes me.
My passion is how I know that I will make it.
That's All!
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
The Chronicles of Grindr: The Top, The Bottom, and Prude One.
As the end of 2011 approaches and 2012 sneaking up on us, I finally realize how technology and dating has really changed. As gay men, we no longer have to head out to a club or bar to find that man to take home or search endlessly for our future husband. Grindr does that for us.
I have been called the Grindr Queen, addicted to the app... even found my true (technically) off of this wonderful outlet for our gay renaissance of sorts. I remember first getting my iPhone right around my 21st Birthday. I remember it being one of my first downloaded apps. I got it before texting anyone.
I still feel the overwhelming rush of excitement, "wow, you're sexy... new to the area?" The funny part is that I wasn't new at all, I just downloaded a new app, I had a new way to get in touch with people. I quickly found myself going on dates, even having people meet me at my parties and promoting through this awesome outlet that seemed endless. Like the gay GPS, it scans your area for local gays, helping you find an instant hookup or chatting buddy to pass the time.
I have many experiences through Grindr, that I can reveal now more so than I could before. I remember my very first hookup off Grindr, it came after my first 947,875,785 dates (can you say exaggerate, much?) I just remember receiving x-rated photos and sending them and my heart was beating fast after my our many advancing messages to each other. Do you want to know the best part? He lived no more than one hundred yards from me! He was tall, dark, and handsome. I remember us cuddling and the thought of the pictures running through my head. I could feel him behind me, and before we both knew it, we were going at it. We continued this little escapade for a few months until I realized that we definitely were not on the same page.
In March 2010, I worked at Black Party and met this gorgeous French couple. They were charming and open and hung like horses of which I need to experience more often. We all fooled around and one of my friends even got involved. It was insanity, but the good kind. I stayed in touch through Facebook and Skype, but I didn't know when I would see them again until they popped up on Grindr. I used to live across the street from Barracuda and they were staying across Eighth Avenue at the Gem Hotel. I even bumped into one of them on the street and he scared me by coming up behind me. Well, a few nights later... They were both behind me. They rate in the Top 10"... I mean TOP 10 of my best ever! Let's just say, I love FRENCH MEN!!!!!!
I once met this French guy that works and lives in NYC. He took me to an amazing restaurant that my friend, Robert suggested to us. It was called B.E.S. on 22nd and 11th. It was cute and he kissed me at the end of the night, but awkward because he admitted to thinking because we met on Grindr that I would just go home with him. This wasn't the case, so we chatted a few more times and then I just blocked him... What a shame!? He was so gorgeous!
The best time to go on Grindr is during Pride, Black Party Weekend, and HustlaBall weekend. You find so many handsome guys. A lot of them being "DTF" which was always fine by me. Once again, my French couple would pop up and plenty of other candidates. Long Story made short, those weekends are very pleasurable.
Imagine Fire Island, a place filled with great looking guys that are ready to pounce because of being stuck in NYC and now the beast wanted to break free. On certain weekends there are great sex parties, and house parties, and things in general that you can get yourself invited to or meet up with people there so you already know that at least one guy that is going peaks your interest. I have found some of the best meetings out there in my time. The issue is, HORRIBLE RECEPTION!
When I head out of town to New Haven or even DC I am on Grindr picking up people all the way there from the bus or my friends' cars. My friends have even asked, "do you think the bus is going to stop for you to have a 15-minute-fuck?" It's actually really funny because I am usually just chatting to get to know people because I am bored. In DC, I actually found an amazing guy that I am still friends with and he was phenomenal in bed, but even better out. Too bad he lives in DC, right?
Everyone knows my best Grindr occurrence of how I met my ex, the love of my life. It's a tale that I will continue to tell for years, maybe as long as I live so I won't tire the subject now.
Grindr conversations are very direct or sometimes even drag out until you hear the popular questions, "what are you into? What are you looking for? top or bottom? Masc or fem?" etc... That's why I message my speech before being asked and most guys like that I know what I want. Some think I come on way too strong, but why play games? Why waste my time or theirs?
Grindr is also censored heavily. You cannot write many things on your profile and your profile photos are to be that of a Catholic School outfit. It's asking for much, but I guess you can send more in chats. Some guys don't think they should have to send photos of even have a default. Do they realize that I won't have sex or even go on dates with anything that in considered a man?
In Reno, NV people are very closed off or over confident. I have had the most unattractive guys start propositioning me and the guys I would go for act prude or want to take me on dates. The goodlooking guys are on the slim pickings side, so none of that has even happened.
That's All... for now!
I have been called the Grindr Queen, addicted to the app... even found my true (technically) off of this wonderful outlet for our gay renaissance of sorts. I remember first getting my iPhone right around my 21st Birthday. I remember it being one of my first downloaded apps. I got it before texting anyone.
I still feel the overwhelming rush of excitement, "wow, you're sexy... new to the area?" The funny part is that I wasn't new at all, I just downloaded a new app, I had a new way to get in touch with people. I quickly found myself going on dates, even having people meet me at my parties and promoting through this awesome outlet that seemed endless. Like the gay GPS, it scans your area for local gays, helping you find an instant hookup or chatting buddy to pass the time.
I have many experiences through Grindr, that I can reveal now more so than I could before. I remember my very first hookup off Grindr, it came after my first 947,875,785 dates (can you say exaggerate, much?) I just remember receiving x-rated photos and sending them and my heart was beating fast after my our many advancing messages to each other. Do you want to know the best part? He lived no more than one hundred yards from me! He was tall, dark, and handsome. I remember us cuddling and the thought of the pictures running through my head. I could feel him behind me, and before we both knew it, we were going at it. We continued this little escapade for a few months until I realized that we definitely were not on the same page.
In March 2010, I worked at Black Party and met this gorgeous French couple. They were charming and open and hung like horses of which I need to experience more often. We all fooled around and one of my friends even got involved. It was insanity, but the good kind. I stayed in touch through Facebook and Skype, but I didn't know when I would see them again until they popped up on Grindr. I used to live across the street from Barracuda and they were staying across Eighth Avenue at the Gem Hotel. I even bumped into one of them on the street and he scared me by coming up behind me. Well, a few nights later... They were both behind me. They rate in the Top 10"... I mean TOP 10 of my best ever! Let's just say, I love FRENCH MEN!!!!!!
I once met this French guy that works and lives in NYC. He took me to an amazing restaurant that my friend, Robert suggested to us. It was called B.E.S. on 22nd and 11th. It was cute and he kissed me at the end of the night, but awkward because he admitted to thinking because we met on Grindr that I would just go home with him. This wasn't the case, so we chatted a few more times and then I just blocked him... What a shame!? He was so gorgeous!
The best time to go on Grindr is during Pride, Black Party Weekend, and HustlaBall weekend. You find so many handsome guys. A lot of them being "DTF" which was always fine by me. Once again, my French couple would pop up and plenty of other candidates. Long Story made short, those weekends are very pleasurable.
Imagine Fire Island, a place filled with great looking guys that are ready to pounce because of being stuck in NYC and now the beast wanted to break free. On certain weekends there are great sex parties, and house parties, and things in general that you can get yourself invited to or meet up with people there so you already know that at least one guy that is going peaks your interest. I have found some of the best meetings out there in my time. The issue is, HORRIBLE RECEPTION!
When I head out of town to New Haven or even DC I am on Grindr picking up people all the way there from the bus or my friends' cars. My friends have even asked, "do you think the bus is going to stop for you to have a 15-minute-fuck?" It's actually really funny because I am usually just chatting to get to know people because I am bored. In DC, I actually found an amazing guy that I am still friends with and he was phenomenal in bed, but even better out. Too bad he lives in DC, right?
Everyone knows my best Grindr occurrence of how I met my ex, the love of my life. It's a tale that I will continue to tell for years, maybe as long as I live so I won't tire the subject now.
Grindr conversations are very direct or sometimes even drag out until you hear the popular questions, "what are you into? What are you looking for? top or bottom? Masc or fem?" etc... That's why I message my speech before being asked and most guys like that I know what I want. Some think I come on way too strong, but why play games? Why waste my time or theirs?
Grindr is also censored heavily. You cannot write many things on your profile and your profile photos are to be that of a Catholic School outfit. It's asking for much, but I guess you can send more in chats. Some guys don't think they should have to send photos of even have a default. Do they realize that I won't have sex or even go on dates with anything that in considered a man?
In Reno, NV people are very closed off or over confident. I have had the most unattractive guys start propositioning me and the guys I would go for act prude or want to take me on dates. The goodlooking guys are on the slim pickings side, so none of that has even happened.
That's All... for now!
Then You Left
I saw you, I stared.
I heard you, I listened.
When you first laughed, I blushed.
You flirted, I became shy.
The first time you touched me, I felt static.
The first time you held my hand, my heart hummed a song.
The first time you hugged me, I melted into you.
The first time you kissed me, I couldn't breathe.
The first time you held me, we became one.
The first time you made love to me, I was yours.
We went on adventures, we explored.
I would breathe in your scent, I got high.
"I want you," and you had me.
You took a polaroid in sepia tone, it would last longer
The first time you touched me, I felt static.
The first time you held my hand, my heart hummed a song.
The first time you hugged me, I melted into you.
The first time you kissed me, I couldn't breathe.
The first time you held me, we became one.
The first time you made love to me, I was yours.
What I want to be forever, it ended quickly
The adventures were grand, but journeying faded.
I stayed in and cried, losing you killed me.
I was reborn with reality and motivation
I wanted you, needed you, but I needed my sanity more.
Where is my sanity?
The last time you touched me, I felt static.
The last time you held my hand, my heart hummed a song.
The last time you hugged me, I melted into you.
The last time you kissed me, I couldn't breathe.
The last time you held me, we became one.
The last time you made love to me, I was yours.
Then you left...
I heard you, I listened.
When you first laughed, I blushed.
You flirted, I became shy.
The first time you touched me, I felt static.
The first time you held my hand, my heart hummed a song.
The first time you hugged me, I melted into you.
The first time you kissed me, I couldn't breathe.
The first time you held me, we became one.
The first time you made love to me, I was yours.
We went on adventures, we explored.
I would breathe in your scent, I got high.
"I want you," and you had me.
You took a polaroid in sepia tone, it would last longer
The first time you touched me, I felt static.
The first time you held my hand, my heart hummed a song.
The first time you hugged me, I melted into you.
The first time you kissed me, I couldn't breathe.
The first time you held me, we became one.
The first time you made love to me, I was yours.
What I want to be forever, it ended quickly
The adventures were grand, but journeying faded.
I stayed in and cried, losing you killed me.
I was reborn with reality and motivation
I wanted you, needed you, but I needed my sanity more.
Where is my sanity?
The last time you touched me, I felt static.
The last time you held my hand, my heart hummed a song.
The last time you hugged me, I melted into you.
The last time you kissed me, I couldn't breathe.
The last time you held me, we became one.
The last time you made love to me, I was yours.
Then you left...
The Dancer
People have a passion, they have an outlet to release emotions, show their talent, be who they want to be. It's a place they escape to where they feel invincible. Insecurities be damned because this place is solace and no one can take that away.
When I dance, I feel free and invincible. Nothing can penetrate my passion as if I had a force field protecting my release. I feel people watching me, yet I am alone on the dancefloor. I can only see me, be me, feel me. Getting back into ballet has been one of the most difficult thing after a few years. I felt every insecurity pressing me to the ground. You may as well have buried me six-feet under. Somehow, I decided it was time to step it up and I dug myself out to work my ass off.
When those stage lights are on me, it's a glow... Not because the lights are hot, but because I am me again. I feel wholesome and innocent on stage. I'm not judged nor am I constricted to reality. I am a super hero that has no kryptonite, except maybe too much tequila. My life is literally a scene from Billy Elliot in the sense that I want to break free dancing every single moment that I feel a large rush of emotions. I break free, let loose, I'm me.
Now, I see dancing as just fun and my love, so why am I going to hold back any longer. I am capable of much more and being something greater. Why do people call me the dancer? They don't call me 'the dancer' because I play football. I'm ready to make it.
That's All!
When I dance, I feel free and invincible. Nothing can penetrate my passion as if I had a force field protecting my release. I feel people watching me, yet I am alone on the dancefloor. I can only see me, be me, feel me. Getting back into ballet has been one of the most difficult thing after a few years. I felt every insecurity pressing me to the ground. You may as well have buried me six-feet under. Somehow, I decided it was time to step it up and I dug myself out to work my ass off.
When those stage lights are on me, it's a glow... Not because the lights are hot, but because I am me again. I feel wholesome and innocent on stage. I'm not judged nor am I constricted to reality. I am a super hero that has no kryptonite, except maybe too much tequila. My life is literally a scene from Billy Elliot in the sense that I want to break free dancing every single moment that I feel a large rush of emotions. I break free, let loose, I'm me.
Now, I see dancing as just fun and my love, so why am I going to hold back any longer. I am capable of much more and being something greater. Why do people call me the dancer? They don't call me 'the dancer' because I play football. I'm ready to make it.
That's All!
Falling In & Out
I don't know why, but things seem to get harder with dating as you grow older. As your heart grows more fondly over one person, you start to realize how insignificant all the other hookups and suitors were before the one. I can't say he was the "one that got away." He was more like the one that had to go away.
Starting on Monday evening, I had a sudden rush of emotions toward my Aussie ex-boyfriend; I guess it's more difficult ending on good terms than it is like a normal disaster parting. It could have been a disaster if you look at it in the right sense. Heart shatters and it sounds like a thin glass falling to the ground and it takes forever to clean up because of how far it spread. No suction of romantic vacuum currant could seem to shock it back to life and working properly.
When people express a kiss as taking their breath away or a spark that ignites their heart, it's not a phony rush. I was kissed, I was touched, I was alone with him every single time he kissed me. The spark set my heart of fire and I couldn't breathe. He looked at me and I was melting, so he would catch me with a tight embrace and life-changing kiss. Adele says, "yesterday was the time of our lives," and this past summer was the time of my life.
I feel like after love squanders, the wrong types, somehow journey into your life. What these types don't realize is that I can recognize what I want and what I feel. Yesterday I saw something so simple that reminded me of my ex in TJ Maxx when I was with my friend Candy shopping... I burst into tears straight away. It was natural.
In the past few days I have also spoke with a few of my friends such as Candy, Erica, and a few others about our exes and it seems that we all have similar issues. My Aussie was someone that had the utmost respect for me, and I for him. The times we shared are irreplaceable. Sometimes, we as people, lose sight of reality and dwell on our past and when things were, or seemed to be, perfect. My life wasn't purely absolute with him, but everything seemed better. I am a motivated being, but he made me ten times more.
Now my head rushes with a million questions and uncertainties. How do I find it again? Will I ever find it again? Can someone help me fall out of love so that I can fall back in it? I find it hard to believe that you can feel that strong for more than one person in your entire life. In television and Hollywood in general, we see characters leaving their mates that they settled down with for their ONE TRUE LOVE. are these real stories? I don't want to hurt anyone or build a life to throw a wrecking ball at, but fate and passion would strain my soul until I ruined what I currently had.
That's All!
Starting on Monday evening, I had a sudden rush of emotions toward my Aussie ex-boyfriend; I guess it's more difficult ending on good terms than it is like a normal disaster parting. It could have been a disaster if you look at it in the right sense. Heart shatters and it sounds like a thin glass falling to the ground and it takes forever to clean up because of how far it spread. No suction of romantic vacuum currant could seem to shock it back to life and working properly.
When people express a kiss as taking their breath away or a spark that ignites their heart, it's not a phony rush. I was kissed, I was touched, I was alone with him every single time he kissed me. The spark set my heart of fire and I couldn't breathe. He looked at me and I was melting, so he would catch me with a tight embrace and life-changing kiss. Adele says, "yesterday was the time of our lives," and this past summer was the time of my life.
I feel like after love squanders, the wrong types, somehow journey into your life. What these types don't realize is that I can recognize what I want and what I feel. Yesterday I saw something so simple that reminded me of my ex in TJ Maxx when I was with my friend Candy shopping... I burst into tears straight away. It was natural.
In the past few days I have also spoke with a few of my friends such as Candy, Erica, and a few others about our exes and it seems that we all have similar issues. My Aussie was someone that had the utmost respect for me, and I for him. The times we shared are irreplaceable. Sometimes, we as people, lose sight of reality and dwell on our past and when things were, or seemed to be, perfect. My life wasn't purely absolute with him, but everything seemed better. I am a motivated being, but he made me ten times more.
Now my head rushes with a million questions and uncertainties. How do I find it again? Will I ever find it again? Can someone help me fall out of love so that I can fall back in it? I find it hard to believe that you can feel that strong for more than one person in your entire life. In television and Hollywood in general, we see characters leaving their mates that they settled down with for their ONE TRUE LOVE. are these real stories? I don't want to hurt anyone or build a life to throw a wrecking ball at, but fate and passion would strain my soul until I ruined what I currently had.
That's All!
Monday, December 5, 2011
Wondering.
At times I wonder, "why do guys make us wonder?" I feel games are programmed into guys' heads to make us think and guess what is really going on. Sometimes it makes us over think, over analyze and causes unnecessary drama. Why does this happen?
I have always battled myself, and so have many others about things that may be wrong with us because of these guessing games. There is a mental block in our minds since we can't understand why guys hold back or aren't direct with us.
I believe in honesty and being upfront with somebody. Sometimes when you express yourself fully then you get an undesired answer, but at least you get something out of them. Other men like to play 'cat and mouse' and by that point it becomes a lost cause anyway. I hate chasing, but I like answers. It's like being left out in the cold and you're going to freeze until that door is opened and you get warmth whether it's a gratifying answer, or not.
That's kind of happening to me now. As much as I like someone, I still don't have a complete closure with someone that I care for. I ought to deserve some sort of way to cease my curiosity. I accept timing for what it is, but making me wait for explanations as to why I am lingering in anticipation for future rebuttal to continue a relationship of any sort, is simply absurd.
Moral to my little blurb, JUST SAY WHAT YOU'RE THINKING... stop making me guess and wonder, possibly coming up with all of these ideas that maybe I'm being lied to, and have been mislead this entire time. I don't like guessing games.
That's all!
I have always battled myself, and so have many others about things that may be wrong with us because of these guessing games. There is a mental block in our minds since we can't understand why guys hold back or aren't direct with us.
I believe in honesty and being upfront with somebody. Sometimes when you express yourself fully then you get an undesired answer, but at least you get something out of them. Other men like to play 'cat and mouse' and by that point it becomes a lost cause anyway. I hate chasing, but I like answers. It's like being left out in the cold and you're going to freeze until that door is opened and you get warmth whether it's a gratifying answer, or not.
That's kind of happening to me now. As much as I like someone, I still don't have a complete closure with someone that I care for. I ought to deserve some sort of way to cease my curiosity. I accept timing for what it is, but making me wait for explanations as to why I am lingering in anticipation for future rebuttal to continue a relationship of any sort, is simply absurd.
Moral to my little blurb, JUST SAY WHAT YOU'RE THINKING... stop making me guess and wonder, possibly coming up with all of these ideas that maybe I'm being lied to, and have been mislead this entire time. I don't like guessing games.
That's all!
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